StarRose101: the Awkward Asian of Geekdom

I just had a meltdown over how terrible my life's become/how my friends are terrible/the fact that I feel filthy and horrible and I'm an awful person because I just got legitimately angry at someone who's just endearingly naive. 

 And then I saw that this popped up. At the literal second this started I could feel the pit in my stomach start going away and my heart rate slow down. 

 Music has always done wonders for me, and Jonghyun's has never been an exception. His songs have always resonated with me in some way, either to soothe or muse the pain away. 

 I've been having this whole thing where any reminders of him, from his voice, his name, even his cheekbones, have caused me to just cry. 

 Now I think it's time for me to, rather than breakdown over tragedy, just smile in peace over the memory of this beautiful human being. 

 I have, and always will, love you Jonghyun. Likewise, I am, and always will, going to miss you. 

 I send 💙 to you in heaven, and wish for nothing but happiness for you. You most definitely deserve it. 

Thanks for always being with me. 

SHINee covers were always my go-to when I wanted to reminisce on the DB5K days

and now here I am, feeling nostalgic and sad and pained and just q-q

it’s already been a month since he left...

and I still can’t believe it u^u

but while there were a lot of really bad moments in 2017

there were also a lot of good ones

and hopefully 2018 can give everyone, shawols and etc., a chance to focus on the good memories from the past and heal from the pain, rather than letting the bad memories dwell in our heads

for now I think I’ll take a few seconds to just forget about all the tears and the denial, and just enjoy the music

I’m sure Jonghyun would nod his head to that

(and who knows, maybe he would even break into a Mirotic dance cover for kicks)

I just woke up to seeing what was ultimately a great performance, and another reminder of times that will never come back.

I’m crying (big surprise), but it’s not all bad.

There are still a lot of questions, and even more regrets, but in the end, there's nothing but love here. 

I will always love you, you big goofy dinosaur. You gave yourself to making everyone smile, to giving acceptance to all, and to sharing your voice with the world. 

 You did your best Jonghyun, and you did well. 

I’ve been an absolute mess since summer due the various ways my life has gone to crap but oh god starting from October it’s been nothing but heartbreak month after month with the consecutive deaths of my dear Gutaeng-hyung, a personal friend who I had just found, and the most recent one being Jjongie.

For the longest time, I couldn’t bring myself to read any of the articles surrounding Joohyuk’s passing, or look back at any footage of him from movies/2D1N. His loss was so unexpected and raw that I couldn’t deal with any reminders of it. My heart still breaks for everyone shook by the suddenness of his departure (especially poor Yooyoung and Joon-young). 

It’s been a week and a half, and I’m still haven’t really been able to look at anything connected to our departed dinosaur without just going Q~Q

I think the mix of nostalgia and grief is what causes me to be overwhelmed to the point of feeling pained inside and wanting to just cry it all out. 

Although that’s changed recently.

A couple of days ago, I was able to sit through a memoriam special for Joohyuk--and while I did cry, it was for two reasons. The first being my inability to suck up my delusions and accept real life for what it is and the second being from the knowledge that I’m not alone in my memories.

These same feelings helped me sit through a similar moment with Jonghyun today and I realized that yes, I feel miserable in my own sadness and that my heart bleeds for everyone else (oh god Kibum, Onew, Minho, and Taemin); but at the same time, I am happy to see all these captured tidbits of his life.

There are so many moments when I have smiled and felt nothing but joy thanks to Jonghyun--the same goes for Joohyuk as well and all the times he made me laugh to the point of tears.

And I’m not the only one who’s looking back at these moments with a smile and some pained tears. They’re both gone, but they are living on in our own hearts. Yes, there are so many questions, and maybe even more regrets, but that doesn’t take away from the happiness we’ve shared with/because of them.

This doesn’t mean I about to stop crying anytime soon, but at least I can now find some acceptance in this new reality. 

I hope the both of them are at peace right now and are smiling with the other angels. Heck, I can imagine that both of them are being the ones to make the others smile right now.

Joohyuk, I hope you managed to track down your family, and that you’re still laughing--even if that means it’s really old jokes that probably no one but you are getting. You had a full life, and it’s time for you to take a break. Thank you for all your hard work.

Jonghyun...oh god I’m crying again. You did your best, and you did well.

Remembered forever with love, Kim Ju-hyeok

“I want to be free of the night.”

It’s funny how smiles can look similar yet hold drastically different meanings; Parparadscha’s is bittersweet as they give Phosphophyllite advice and Yellow Diamond’s is dripping with comical anger at Rutile’s banter.

AH THE LAST MINUTE CAMEOS

I wish we could have had a small story with Patrick and Neyka but :/ what can you?

I guess it’s time for me to sit on my hands and wait/pray for a season 3 because gah I love this show to bits and I desperately need more of it in my life DX

“Because there are people who watch me, I’m able to be here.”

Again this was SUCH a good episode ugh it makes me angry that the season will be over next week

Padparadscha has a really beautiful design (in addition to an interesting story) so I couldn’t help myself from capturing the still where you get to see her resting in her wooden box

Time and time again I thank Houseki no Kuni’s director for using a CG animation studio for this because AH IT’S ALL JUST SO BEAUTIFUL and it really does all the gems justice

This transformation to Red Alex was just AHHHH

being DOMESTIC

oh god I LOVE THIS

When you go from being cute and smol to being deadly and stoic talk about a glow up XD

Tfw you’re faced with your crush and decide to make a split and end up confusing yourself in the process.

(Ik there was probably meant to be no suggested romantic intent between Luciana and Klaus but I liked the way they looked together??)