iâm going to rant here cause it feels 10 times more better than writing it in a notebook...and i know no one reads these
so if you saw you my last post i went a rant about this guy i work with and then i slept with him and then he got with another girl from work and they lied about it about it and blah blah blah whatever
well itâs been like two weeks i think and i see things a lot clearer now. i know i definitely donât have or ever did have feelings for him now, and how do i know that, well a lot of what he does annoys me and i also realise now i much i prefer his friendship. i think it was a lot because obviously heâs the first guy i slept with with ever and he was real nice about it to me and our friendship got stronger from it too. I mean no matter what the first guy has some meaning and for me it wasnât a relationship but almost validation that iâm not some ugly bitch no one wants. it was all kind of confusing and i donât think i ever processed what had really happened, which is why when the thing happened between those two it was all confusing. now i couldnât care less, kind of happy heâs moved on and iâm no longer the topic people at work talk about it, because I hate that. I donât regret what we had or what happened because it was good while it lasted, but it was never meant to last.
Now, things can just be a little awkward sometimes. Iâm friends with both of them and I hang out with them still, her alone, but i could never hang out with him alone again cause itâs just weird, if we do our other roommate is always there, which i prefer. the three of us hanging out is just real weird, I avoid that, so if she does hang out itâs the four us of (so my other roommate). I like her, sheâs a nice person and a friend but iâm noticing some annoying things that i just have to be silent about it. Sheâs a very self-important person and makes comments to point out sheâs not the centre of attention. like today, she pointed out the bruises he obviously gave her (i know this could he did the same to me and i think she knows that) but basically told everyone at work and make it clear it was him, and she does comments like this all the time. She also said he had been âgrafting her for a whileâ and she didnât notice or even think of it, but i know thatâs not true because he maybe grafted for a week (cause we were still sleeping together and then we stopped and for a week there was nothing then he started to get interested in her) and then i noticed (well i came back from holidays and noticed the very first day) and she was up for it caues she kissed him that night and she told me she had kissed him earlier in the week, so it was days actually, and like she wore his hoodie the other day and made sure everyone knew it was his, not hers, just small things that draw attention to her and the fact sheâs sleeping with him. but thatâs also it, theyâre just sleeping together. theyâre not official and heâs relucant to do so, and i know him well enough to know it cause of two reasons. one he doesnât want it, or two he feels guilty cause iâm around. she makes commnets all the time like she wants to be his gf though. like the other day she said âhe may be a dick, but heâs my dickâ he just goes real quiet. also you canât make a comment about me ever being with him cause he shuts down. like the other day we were talking about a going away party we had for a friend and how that night turned out and basically i slept with him that night and that became obvious and she just shut down and obviously didnât like it. which to me is annoying because she knew what she was getting herself into, because i told her beforehand, and also she made many jokes about me sleeping with him but now canât handle it.
theyâre both my friends though and i know i have to be careful about what i say because then i just look like some jealous ex-lover or something. i however can not see things working out. they donât have a lot in common, which was made clear to me last night when all four of us hung out and she didnât join in on a lot of the conversation because she had no idea about it, even when we tried she didnât really. she doesnât like to drink a lot or even stay up late, which is something we tend to do a lot of (she even went to bed early while we carried on drinking) and made him feel a bit guilty about it, which is not a good basis at all. I also had the strain itâs caused on my friendship with him becaues itâs mostly gone, something i feel sheâs made sure of. i canât make jokes without her being a bit uncomfortable and i become the odd one out, when it used to be her.Â
its just become even more awkward to be in this situation and i think she does it on purpose and to feel important. like great your happy you have a guy but you tell us some real personal information and also ony talk about it. like sheâs becoming one of those people who is more about the guy then herself and that and being self-important are two qualities i canât staind in people. unfortunately im a very observant person and i can see what sheâs doing and iâm not the only one who has said something, and what it does is even isolates her a little. i mean her friend at work is talking to me more and making jokes cause she feels awkward making them to her. it just feels fake and because heâs not smart or nearly as observant iâm not sure he notices or cares, caues heâs dick is still wet and he definitely cares more about that. but they have an awkward road ahead when things die down and thatâs on them and not for me to say only think and write down on a website where no one will see it.
