Stay Golden

So, sometime last year (?) science invented Vantablack, which is the darkest possible shade of black. Art world got incredibly excited. But as it needs to be very carefully made in a lab, it’s hard to get a hold of, and is extremely expensive. Enter Anish Kapoor, aka FuckFace McGee. Anish Kapoor buys the rights to Vantablack. He is the only human being on the planet that can legally use it, and he’s kind of a prick about it.

Art world is not thrilled with that.

Enter Stuart Semple.

Stuart Semple is an artist, and also makes pigments to sell in his free time. Stuart Semple is astoundingly pissed about this Vantablack nonsense, and Anish Kapoor’s dickery. Stuart Semple makes a new pigment, the brightest shade of pink ever, called Pinkest Pink, and puts it for sale on the internet. To be bought by everybody except Anish Kapoor. Literally, to purchase, you need to confirm that you are not Anish Kapoor, do not associate with him, and will not sell or give the pigment to Anish Kapoor or his associates. Art world has a good laugh, everyone buys Pinkest Pink because it’s awesome, and damn it we deserve something.

Anish Kapoor however is a penis, and will not take this lying down, because HOW DARE he not have literally everything.

Anish Kapoor gets his London associates to buy him a thing of Pinkest Pink, and being such a classy human being, posts a picture to instagram of him with his middle finger covered in Pinkest Pink, captioned with “Up yours. #pink”

Everyone flips shit, because. Y’know. Fuck that guy. Especially Stuart Semple. For context here, Anish Kapoor is one of the richest artists on the planet, and has repeatedly been referred to as everything wrong with the art world, and the epitome of the art worlds elitism problem. He’s a giant douchebag. Meanwhile Stuart Semple makes pigments just to get them out there. He turns 0 profit from his now enourmously popular pigments.

Stuart Semple launches an investigation as to who the fuck leaked Pinkest Pink, and plans to strike back. He does so by releasing two new products. First is Diamond Dust, which is a glitter made from glass, so that a painting is still visible after it’s applied, but glitters like a mofo. It’s the most reflective glitter out there, and is available to everyone who isn’t Anish Kapoor. And it being made of glass, if you stick your finger in there, it’s going to hurt quite a bit, so that was Stuart Semple’s way of saying “shove your middle finger in this, asshole, see what happens”. Except without saying that, because he can get an insult across while still being fucking classy.

He also releases Black 2.0, created with the help of over a thousand artists worldwide.

Black 2.0 is the answer to Vantablack. Black 2.0 is a slightly less black black, but looks functionally the same to the human eye. It’s completely safe, smells like cherries, and costs four pounds. Vantablack is highly toxic, potentially explosive, needs to be applied in a special laboratory and sealed properly, can’t be moved across borders, can reach 300 degrees celsius if you’re not extremely careful, and costs thousands of dollars. Anish Kapoor is the only human being who can use Vantablack. He is the only human being who cannot use Black 2.0.

So I think we can guess who got the better deal.

And thus the feud ends, Kapoor defeated.

…But not quite.

Kapoor, in this entire afair, has made exactly two comments to the public. The first being his charming message about aquiring Pinkest Pink, the second being claiming to Buzzfeed that he and his small army of lawyers will be suing Semple, an extremely poor artist who cannot afford a lawyer.

No lawsuit has been made yet, fyi.

The point is, Kapoor is a prick, and doesn’t like talking to the lower classes. So one day in July 2017, he decides he needs another floor on his London studio apartment, and starts making arrangements to have it built. His neighbors are fucking pissed, because this will ruin the light of their apartments. They call to Semple to save them, or at the very least piss Kapoor off some more.

Semple answers to the call, and releases two new paints, Phaze and Shift, as always, banned to Kapoor. They change colours, Phaze with temperature, and Shift is just iridescent. Shift needs to be painted over Black 2.0 to work, and Phaze just works on its own.

So that’s been the art world for the last two years.

Doug Jones. The name doesn’t ring a bell, does it? Probably not. But I’m here to tell you that this bitch is fabulous.

He started out as a mime and a professional contortionist. He got into acting and has acted in over 25 movies and numerous television shows. Still doesn’t ring any bells? Probably because Doug’s gig is characters and crazy ass costumes and shit. 

Here’s a picture of him:

Still not look too familiar? Well, maybe you saw Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer?

Doug Jones.

Or, are you a Buffy fan? Remember the episode “Hush”?

Look familiar now? He’s the one in the front.

Did you like the movie Pan’s Labyrinth?

Doug Jones.

Doug Jones.

Did you like the Hellboy movies?

Doug Jones.

Doug Jones.

Doug Mother Fucking Jones.

Or, hey! Were you born in the 90’s? Remember the movie Hocus Pocus that would play on Disney Channel every halloween? Remember this guy?:

Yup. Doug Jones.

Still not convinced of how badass this guy is? Here’s some awesome for you.

It took him 5 hours to get into the Pale Man costume in Pan’s Labyrinth, and, once in it, he could only just slightly see out of the nose holes, but he was mostly blind.

And the costume for Fauno himself? Well, he could only just barely see out of the nose holes in that one, too. The actual head part was filled with mechanics that made the eyebrows and ears move. And those mechanics were so loud that he couldn’t hear while inside of it, so he had to memorize Ofelia’s lines as well as his own so that he could say them in his head to know when to talk. Oh, and he doesn’t actually speak any Spanish at all, so he was memorizing both his, and someone else’s lines in a language he couldn’t speak.

Doug Mother Fucking Jones.

His ‘breakout’ was the MacTonight commercials (most of you are probably to young to remember those) as Moonhead 

And c’mon kiddies, don’t you know who is playing the Thin Clown in ‘Batman Returns?’ Great speech, Oswald…

In Del Toro’s Crimson Peak, he played both of the other ghosts.

And like the previously mentioned films, he shot this sequence with limited sight due to the prosthetics. Look at that. 

Face it, you’ve seen him everywhere and probably didn’t realize it. Let’s give it up for The Dougie. 

NASA has released new images of Jupiter, taken by the Juno Spacecraft.