Kill 'em all

there should be coming of age stories for people turning 30

hi yeah i know ive been on this medication for 8 years but i need-- yeah. yeah 3 more months please. I'll call you in 3 months to beg for 3 more months, thanks. Bye. Love you.

I should probably have a good scream. I feel like I’m a little overdue a blood curdling throat ripping yell

"🥪" is shorthand for "🍞🧀🍅🥬🍞"

Everyone needs three hobbies: one to give you carpel tunnel, one to leave you sore and bruised, and one for your distant relatives to insist you monetize

Jerking off. Falling down the stairs. Fixing the wifi.

The soon to transition Mrs Nice Guy: No more Mr Nice Guy

being a teenager is basically just half a decade of "ugh I hate myself I hate my life I hate my parents nothing is fair everyone is mean the world is cruel I'm tired of it!! but idk i guess every teenager has this phase and I'll probably grow out of it and understand when I'm older" and getting older and realizing you should have been even angrier and more violent. And then people forget this as soon as they have kids

friendly reminder that every time you mock an irish name for being “stupidly spelled” or “hard to pronounce” i am given a free pass to (thinks about an appropriate response) (wonders if that’s too distract) (mulls it over) (nods) murder you