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@f1g-2

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Feeling of unease just crepes in like a peace of lint that is on your blouse… and you know it’s there but in the back of your mind you don’t really want to deal with it until you have to and then there’s way more lint then expected and a headache erupts for how long has this been going on .. l think for a while ok l just need it to go away and fix it … l can’t fix a person that is selfish and unwilling to give … l can’t do a thing about the feeling l get when he comes in the room and my heart is broken because there’s more lies coming out then real breath why are you bothering with him … he will never meet your expectations anymore he’s bored and you bitch to much about pain … ok take off the blouse and put something on that doesn’t have lint on it … maybe complaining is easier ha … why do l want him it’s kinda a live hate thing anyways just think of him in his ugliness moments and how he treats you most days then he won’t be so charming right ??? I tell myself it’s all about self Gratification ether way you want to look at it life puts self first for even the kindest person
What time will you arrive?? I always asks …because in my mined l always want to have the house neat and clean and of course my self the same way a fun package of clean ….It never arrives that way as the day drags on l really don’t see the sense putting out nice lines and washing my hair… and putting on makeup , he never notices the makeup or have washed up … boy what a pride kicker when he asked me if lm going to get in the shower with an interesting look …l have already gotten cleaned up ….so this is it hum!? I have lost interest… why bother when he doesn’t notice the extra stuff l want to feel better and it’s in my mined again to go begging for him to say something to the effect that he sees my lipstick and eyes and that there’s real clothes on more than house rags as l call them … Okay see the hour don’t judge he may have noticed something… not all that lipstick has gone to waste…. Oh no thinking again well he didn’t ask if l wanted anything from the store knowing l am not able to go …. It’s all a big let down saying silently under my breath…. I sabotage my foot … and l am slowly being drag off by my thoughts… He’s never going to want me the same way l desire him … he doesn’t seem to be a gentle man… just a reminder … so what he does not walk behind or open doors … why in the hell does it bother me so ? And his manners !!! There isn’t any no class at all …. It’s like he’s a monkey… just waiting through the jungle… oh stop and let me get back to the flirty stuff … no he doesn’t kiss like the beginning sitting really close holding hand… no matter where we are … no flirting with me…. He was so happy before… my sick heart really feels alone when we are together there’s got to be more … this is not all of it … If l only do this or if l only do that he will stop what he’s doing and pay attention like he use too … thinking it will never happen give up he’s not really working out and he’s not going to try he’s burnt out on you and just wants to run the other way when you open your mouth…. His insurcutys keep him at bay …. And not sure what you are truly about…. He can’t read your mined and you would not allow it if he could…. To many dark corners in that mined if yours … where’s your faith lately? Tided up in the old in -laws view of you ? And you won’t let it go … what a painful memory they raped you … of all you were supposed to be … now you have to clime the hill with out the gear … good luck getting tired yet ??thinking shut the fuck up to myself ….. okay it’s lorazepam time l can’t handle going in the dark corner today it was hard enough to wash my grayish hair and put makeup on and decent clothes …
Sums it up !!
Nothing can be farther from the truth…how you rip away at me with anger… it is not my fault you have this anger just like a wild animal you strike and never had l seen it coming … why blame me for being angry when you can’t have peace, you have to make your own peace inside your self ….l can only make it worse a cording to you l am a ———— and l am your anger well if that’s the case why do you stay ? why don’t you step out of the cage… the door it’s not locked only in your mined are you locked in …

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Yes we can do anything we want to if we stay on track and not let illness define you or anyone tell you your not worth it …
A nice ride to remember as the sun settles for the evening and it’s still hot outside… thinking back of the long week and all the time was wasted away on piddly day dreams or haunting past errors that will never be a nice thought…
This was supposed to be the moon and it looks like daylight… just like people they say one thing but look another and why do we fall into that web of deception… Is it to make us stronger …?? I feel so weak and don’t want to fight anymore even to breathe seems to take more energy out of me …. I feel sad and kinda almost desperate in need of changes or l will drown ….it isn’t what it seems but once daylight comes it’s not what l expected why is everything disturbing when it can be beyond ones first glance ….
Mediation is the only thing that comes to mined …my heart hurts and is that stronger then my feelings, lm really numb now and My heart is still stronger then my mined … and my heart hurts because some one crushed it but that person is in my mined … l still have feelings shut up mined just Meditate that you don’t have feelings meditate that your heart doesn’t really even pump ….
Please Don’t step on toes…

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This is so funny… because behind getting mad there’s a big reason why … when you have anxiety and pain issues it’s hard to even go to the store and when you do get there you want to get in and out as quickly as possible… what really sucks is when they don’t have what you came for in the first place the shelf is empty… and that after you found where it was supposedly moved too …. GRRRR
1. Get dressed
2 take anxiety med
3. Think to which store has the Item?
4. Think? how can l get out of going, think but it’s good to get out need to
5. Try to leave but your clothes rub my skin and it starts burning and shoes hurt
6. Think? so if l hurry at the store I can get these shoes off… wait maybe a different pair .. think ?if l go back to shoe closet I’m never getting outside… Isn’t that fucked up … STOP 🛑 THINKING!! and just do … Yes the meds just kicked in … ok what did the store do with the pet food ?????that’s all l needed from the store in the first place ( true story)
Wow l want this …
#I have lost my mined coco for coco puffs … and no l don’t have any at this moment ☹️ wish l could sleep hopefully my brain will shut down …
Afternoon delight….mmmm

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And CBD or THC edibles …