the URL is self explanatory

If it's okay for someone to want to be taken care of, then it's okay for someone to want to take care of them.

If it's okay for someone to want to be hit, then it's okay for someone to want to hit them.

If it's okay for someone to want to be degraded, then it's okay for someone to want to degrade them.

"kink," contrary to what a lot of internet-only kinksters seem to think, is not referencing your relationship to a concept--it's referencing the concept itself. for example, "bondage" in this context is not referring to "being turned on by tying someone up/being tied up," it's referring to the concept of being tied up/tying someone up itself. this is one of the most common kinks you'll see people playing with in entirely nonsexual contexts--most rope groups have at least a handful of players who are asexual or entirely sex-repulsed, for example. at a lot of rope play sessions, sexual activity will be banned entirely & you'll generally be expected to not show signs of sexual arousal while in that space. because it's not the space for that--sexual play parties are their own thing.

so what makes something a kink vs. a "normal" interest, if it's not a sexual aspect? mostly social stigma. the group of interests considered "kinks" have developed a shared umbrella due to a shared societal pathologization of those interests in similar ways, and one of the ways that pathology manifests is by considering those interests fundamentally sexual. there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a sexual dimension to your kink, to be clear--but society sees sex as inherently disgusting, and sexualization is frequently weaponized to pathologize all kinds of people.

portraying interest in domination/submission as inherently sexual, for example, means those explicitly navigating consensual d/s play are relegated to the realm of "the bedroom" and signifiers of their relationship (i.e. a collar) are considered "obscene" and not fit to exist in public--even when equivalent signifiers of vanilla lifestyles are allowed and not considered obscene, i.e. a wedding ring. if you portray an interest in roleplaying as a dog as inherently sexual, it means anyone roleplaying as a dog in public is subjecting the public to nasty, perverted sex, it can be classified as obscene, you can arrest people for barking and wearing leashes even if they are deriving zero sexual pleasure from it whatsoever and are not exposing themselves or harassing anyone.

why are most kinks expressed sexually to some degree, or have a sexual dimension to them? because sexually active adults tend to enjoy sex. i don't know how else to explain this, genuinely. if you are a person who experiences sexual arousal and sexual attraction, then you will often be aroused by your interests in a sexual context.

like, i am really into fandom. i love a lot of different things about fandom. one of the things i love about fandom is that it's horny; i'm a big enthusiast of smut, horny cosplay, et cetera and so on. but that doesn't mean that i don't like fandom in completely non-horny contexts, or that my interest in fandom is always sexual and can never be separated from sex. just because i cosplay erotically doesn't mean that i don't also cosplay in other contexts entirely. cosplay turns me on, and i also love cosplaying at conventions and for entirely non-horny reasons.

kink is the same. sometimes the exact same person is both turned on by petplay and interested in it nonsexually. this is actually like... really common, it's not even just "sometimes," i would say it applies to the vast majority of IRL kinksters active in my local scene, and i would hazard a guess that this isn't a major outlier, it's fairly common in scenes across the world. but if you can understand "i like cosplaying, and sometimes i'll cosplay at a convention, and sometimes i'll cosplay for sex, and sometimes i'll cosplay for fun alone in my room, and sometimes i'll cosplay to jack off, and sometimes i'll cosplay for money, and none of these are The Only Reason I Like Cosplay, and sometimes when i cosplay i will do it in a way that only includes some of these reasons and not the others at all," it shouldn't be too hard to apply the same reasoning to kink.

This is actually exactly what I was talking about.

Not only is "men are evil" transphobic and adds to stereotypes that get men of color harassed and killed, but best case scenario, it paints men as incapable of being good and therefore why should we try to be?

As soon as the anti-trans groups get you to agree to hate cis men, they will go in for trans men, gay men, men of color, followed by nonbinary people and trans women. And on and on. It's already happening.

1% regret rate on transitioning

7% Child regret rate (this article actually says an 17%-8% regret rate)

6-30% regret rate on knee surgery

ohio republicans are attempting to pass a bill which would allow grown adults to subject young girls to internal genital exams if they are accused of being trans.

Add on all the school shootings in the US, inaction on climate change, and a pandemic that was allowed to rip through schools unchecked, kids and young adults have a deep sense that their lives are disposable. And they're right! Our society is systematically hostile and abusive to children in so many ways! However, the only child abuse society gets riled up about is pedophilia. Adults act like pedophilia is the only kind of child abuse that counts as abuse.

And that's why I think we are seeing kids stretching the meaning of pedophilia. They are looking for language that encompasses all of the kinds of abuse that they're experiencing. All of the emotional abuse of children is normalized, quite a bit of physical abuse is normalized, and the lack of privacy, agency, and bodily autonomy is all socially enforced. The truth is that all of these other forms of abuse can and do lead to sexual abuse, too. These kids are on to something, but it's getting deflected and warped by the fact that they still live in the dangerous environments they've been abused in. I think more specific language will be empowering here and will also bridge the gap between the current generation of young people and other anti-violence movements.

So if you are a child or young adult who resonates with any of the above, I want you to know that as a child abuse survivor, I believe you when you say that you've been abused. I think the anxiety about fandom websites and queer people and kink is misplaced because strangers don't usually have the structural power and access to you to hurt you but I know that there are people in you life who do have that power and I'm worried about you. I think ao3/queer/kink are just the issues that you feel safest speaking up about. I see you speaking up and I think there's more going on.

So what I can do for you, as a random stranger on the internet, is give you some resources and language so you can start to articulate your experiences and find solidarity with others.

Some terms you might find helpful:

Here's a copy of the UN's Convention on the Rights of the Child. The US has refused to sign this but it's still a good idea of what the rest of the world believes you deserve and what we know will help you thrive.

Here's a copy of the power and control wheel for child abuse. Power and control wheels are commonly used in many forms of victim advocacy to help map abuse. To be clear, we count these things as abuse because we know from research that they are traumatic. Many laws have not been updated to include all these forms, so you'll notice that many of the things on this wheel are completely legal even though we know they are harmful.

Additionally, I'm including a zine I found on peer support for suicide ideation. I know that growing up, my friends and I were always told to tell a trusted adult but we didn't have one and ended up trying to help each other through some really awful shit. This is a guide written by someone with a similar experience and it details ways to informally support someone who is feeling suicidal.

Yeah, the above definitely isn't happening in a vacuum- nor is child abuse or lack of privacy particularly new.

It's a new kind of violation of privacy, and definitely a wider-scale one, too; I remember my mom recording me when I was upset as a way of shaming me into silence, and I cannot imagine how much more traumatic that would be if it actually had been posted somewhere public.

But what's different here isn't just increased forms of surveillance, or increased public involvement in surveillance and humiliation. Radical feminism utilizes cult-like recruiting tactics, and that adds to this as well: the insistence that they are In Danger, that they are The Most Victimized, that they Cannot Trust Anyone- Especially Adults (except, of course, the adults telling them this. Those adults are special and uniquely trustworthy.)

This instills a paranoia and distrust of authority that also fosters isolation, forcing the victims of this rhetoric to cut off all potential help in favor of leaning on The Group, and exclusively The Group. If they feel as if they can't trust anyone else, no one else will be able to recognize what's going on or, if they do, help them.

Radical feminism is probably also rising in part because of the phenomena @glossyfeathers is describing, i.e., people who are already feeling paranoid and distrustful see radfem rhetoric and find it resonates with that mental state.

It makes them feel validated: here is an explanation for why they're so afraid, here is validation that someone is hurting them (men, adults, society), here is a path to safety. All you have to do is cut off all support systems, isolate yourself entirely from society and everyone who loves you, and rely only on people who think exactly like you.

And more appealing, too, is the feeling of moral superiority: not only are you valid in your pain, but you are better than them because of it. Not only are you valid in your discomfort with queerness and sexuality, but you are purer because of it. You are the Most Victim, the one everyone should be focusing on and listening to. And because you are the Most Victim, because you are a child who Cannot Be Held Accountable, you are therefore inherently correct and inherently incapable of really doing any wrong.

It's not just validating; it's a promise of power. It's the white witch with a tin of Turkish delights.

And all the shame they feel, all the self-loathing they internalized, keeps their lips firmly sealed and their self-confidence firmly in question. They aren't actually pure- they're just listening to the people who are. Their shame makes them superior to Outsiders, but their own impurities makes them inferior to the people who claim not to have any of those "deviant" impulses or thoughts in the first place.

The white witch is giving you power, but you still have to do as she says in order to keep it.

They cling to radical feminism, empowered and entrapped by it, and radical feminism is in turn empowered: now capable of recruiting in higher and higher numbers.

Here are some resources (with links!) to get you started:

Before Stonewall

(a documentary about LGBTQ+ life before the Stonewall riots of 1969, including interviews with queer elders).

Nancy podcast, The Word ‘Queer’

(on the history of the word ‘queer’ and its relation to LGBTQ+ people).

Jeffrey Weeks, “Against Nature”

(on the importance of understanding categories of gender and sexuality as historically contingent, culturally specific, and socially constructed rather than “natural,” universal, or innate).

Jonathan Ned Katz, “The Invention of Heterosexuality”

(on the origin of the concepts “heterosexual” and “homosexual,” the history of late-19th century sexology, and the formation of modern norms of sexuality).

John D’Emilio, “Capitalism and Gay Identity”

(on the role of capitalism in the formation of LGBTQ+ communities in the first half of the 20th century).

Michel Foucault, “We ‘Other Victorians’”

(on some of the persistent pitfalls and traps that people fall into when thinking about the history of sexuality, and the recent origins of our ideas about sexuality itself).

Leslie Feinberg, “Transgender Liberation: A Movement Whose Time Has Come”

(an early work on trans politics and history that aims to show that trans people have always existed).

Susan Stryker, “A Hundred-Plus Years of Transgender History”

(a more historical account of the formation of trans identities, and the existence of gender nonconforming individuals pre- the formation of LGBTQ+ community).

Sheila Cavanagh, “Touching Gender: Abjection and the Hygienic Imagination”

(on the history of gender-segregated public toilets and how they have contributed to the construction and policing of norms of gender and sex).

Siobhan Somerville, “Scientific Racism and the Invention of the Homosexual Body”

(an examination of the connection between the invention of racial categories and early sexology). Scott Lauria Morgensen, “The Biopolitics of Settler Sexuality and Queer Modernities”

(a theoretical and historical examination of the way norms of gender and sexuality have been enforced through colonization and settler colonialism).

Making Gay History podcast series on Stonewall

(a series of podcasts about the Stonewall riots of 1969 which acted as a catalyst for the Gay Liberation and the modern LGBTQ+ rights movement, including Pride. Includes interviews with Sylvia Rivera, Marsha P. Johnson, and other central figures who were present at the riots).

“Prelude to a Riot”

“Everything Clicked…And The Riot Was On”

“Say it Loud! Gay and Proud!”

New York Times, “The Stonewall You Know is a Myth, and That’s O.K.”

(debunking some of the persistent myths about the Stonewall riots).

Sylvia Rivera, “Y’all Better Quiet Down – Christopher Street Liberation Day, 1973″

(a famous speech given by Sylvia Rivera to the crowd at the 1973 Christopher Street Liberation Day (i.e., Pride) event in New York. Note how the crowd boos her and tries to get her off the stage).

United In Anger: A History of ACT UP

(a documentary about the HIV/AIDS epidemic of the 1980s/90s and the community of activists that helped shift perception and policy around the virus).

David France, How to Survive a Plague

(David France discusses his book on the history of the HIV/AIDS epidemic).

PhilosophyTube, “Queer*”

(an excellent video essay on queer theory and the “queer” turn in LGBT politics, community, etc.)

CW: graphic depiction of sexual assault; violence; murder; hate crime;

the oral history project from act up

the lesbian herstory archives

the transgender archives of the university of victoria

the digital transgender archives

glbt historical society (digital)

anything that moves

a masterpost of lesile feinberg’s works by @genderoutlaws

the dyke march compilation 

paris is burning 

how to survive a plague

united in anger: a history of ACT UP

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