POISON

I told you how my mother over heard one of our fights and you went into full on panic mode major! Because getting/having the parental unit’s approval means the most to you. You make promises to do better and be better and do more self healing/work. On my last day of visiting my sister you had excitement in your voice. I NEVER had a man who was excited to see me and ready to greet me once I arrive home.

Once we got back home you came over IMMEDIATELY! You were at my front door in what felt like less than 10 mins. (I guess that helps when you literally live so close to my grandma’s house) you smiled at me the whole time wanting to sit right next to me on the sofa, but you maintained your cool in the single chair and you prepared yourself. When you seen my mother get up from the sofa you stopped her and you spoke directly to her looking her in the face and you apologized for how you treated me, you apologized for how badly you talked to me. You told my mother how much you love me and for how long you’ve felt that way about me and you didn’t ever want to treat me poorly. You said you respected my mother and therefore you needed to do better at respecting me and you vowed to do so. You vowed to do whatever it takes to make me happy and feel safe and keep me in your life. My mother looked at you and said her peace and said she will see for herself if you actually keep your word.

Then we went over to your house where we could talk more openly in private without my family interfering. You openly expressed your feelings for me and how much you wanted to keep me, you expressed what you feel when we go weeks not talking. You said you talk to the most high about me and what you should do about me. And you feel as if the most high was talking to you and told you I was the one you are supposed to be with. And you didn’t want to screw up anymore. You cried for me, in front of me, and I cried because of the mix feelings. Then I had to tell you my child’s dad was coming into town to see our son. And naturally you felt concerned and mostly uncomfortable about that idea. You assumed I would get back with him, you wanted to be there when he arrived at my grandmas house. You wanted to “chin check” him (verbally) to make sure he understood that I belonged to you. It felt noble to me but I reassured you that I could handle it and it will be fine. Then you said that one line that tugged at my heart strongly. “I’m afraid you are going to leave me!” You said it in a concerned way you said it with all seriousness in your voice, you said it like you were about to cry again. I looked at you and once again reassured you that wouldn’t happen. I can’t look at my child’s dad the same way ever again.

The next day you came to see me at my job, you stayed for a long while, you witnessed my son’s dad let him down once again! You witnessed him bail on him without even feeding him breakfast as promised. You witnessed me crying angry tears, me getting seriously pissed the hell off at the level of betrayal and neglect he showed our son. You heard the pain in my voice from the angry venting. You then Calmed me and told me to come over after I showered and changed and packed a bag. I listened….. at your house you told me you will be a better man for me the man I needed, and you would be a better role model for my son. You will pick up the role as the father figure for my son since his own dad failed miserably. I cried more and just nodded and said “OK”.

Found these pictures on Pinterest this morning and thought to myself.

My people can literally pull of EVERY SINGLE FASHION known on this planet. (Yes even the country farm girl cowgirl look) but if there is one fashion genre that we nail 110%, it would be this one right here! This Bohemian Chic/Earthy girl aesthetic…… it literally makes us look like we are glowing! Some how to me it enhances our features, our face and body! 💯🙌🏾👏🏾

If you don’t believe me then really find every picture of a black or mixed breed woman rocking this fashion and reeeeeeeaally look at the picture. No I don’t mean for a few seconds, I mean for a good solid minute a FULL 60 seconds should suffice and you will (or should) see what I mean. If you’re the type that hates on colored people for no real logical reason under the sun then obviously you won’t understand or see what I’m saying here. But if your the type that adores women of any and all color of brown, then go and really look and you will or should see what I mean.

And no I’m not being biased and only saying that because I’m a mixed breed, (native on my father’s side and Spanish on my mother’s side……with African American and Dutch sprinkled in) …..but no I’m not just saying that just because I’m a mixed breed woman myself. I’m saying that because it’s something I noticed this morning while on Pinterest. It was a TikTok video clip of this woman whose outfit of the day looked like she was dressed “boho chic” AAAAAND ready for the beach! And she was ABSOLUTELY STUNNING! It’s like she was LITERALLY glowing and she wasn’t using any filters!

I learn something new every single day. I’ve never even heard of these words before. Seems like every time I go on Pinterest I’m finding new and useful things. 💯☺️ have any of you guys heard of these phobias before?

I find phobias and the ones like these listed above (which really wouldn’t be considered a phobia if you like something) but I find all of them interesting. And I have fun trying to pronounce the big funny spelling looking ones. I laugh if I get tongue tied.🤭 but to know that there are so many out here for what seems like everything is fascinating.

I only have like maybe two or three phobias and a lot of the kinds where you like/love something. I’m a “melanophile” an “autophile” a “nyctophile” just literally all the ones I posted I can see in myself.

In this video she is speaking logically and realistically about marriage. And yet people laughed and acted as if she was just telling a joke. Most of those people listening to her will not or did not even remember half the stuff she said due to being brain washed by society and what they said about how to marry.

But she was being real, if a woman is going to marry a male then she better make sure said male can afford to put assets and land and property in her name. So that when bad shit happens and he dies before her, then she will be covered for the rest of HER life and their children (if they had any) so called “love” does not cover or take care of things like that and 9 times out of 10 it leaves the widow with HIS DAMN DEBT she has to figure out and handle. She hit the nail on the head when she said “males are unreliable” and 99% of them truly are. And 99% of them want the woman/wife to be their caregiver and pillow. To consistently give GIVE GIVE! But in this era they don’t give back, and if they do it’s the bare minimum and shit that doesn’t even last long.

I personally have been so turned off by males at this point that I don’t see marriage in the cards for me now. 2 back to back narcissistic relationships (with a 5 yr single/freedom gap in between them) I look back and realize that I was VERY happy and stress free when I was single!!!! And to me that speaks mad volume! And the two times I was with a guy, they both brought mad stress and anxiety and depression and a couple of YEARS to get out of my system. Not days or weeks or a few months but YEARS!!!! (About 3 yrs to get the anger out of my body from the first narcissist….. and the recent one/experience with the newer narcissist I’m obviously still getting over it. Judging from my past posts on here. I’m not going to rush it though, I didn’t rush the one before him and I did fine, I can talk to him without feeling any bad/negative emotions and I’m not bringing up the past of what he did to me etc etc, so that tells me that I’m FULLY OVER HIM. So I know with time ……probably another 3 yrs I’ll be over this recent one)