idk

I am an unfeeling wench.

Touch me gently, softly, lovely.

Ill return tenfold.

Siren in the water beckoning for kindness, open your heart and let me in, I'll reflect what you give and make you fall in love.

Come closer, step just a little further, give just a little more, let me eat the admiration you have left to give.

Rip apart the feast of you, suck on the marrow of your affections. Lick at blood and guts and innards until its bone dry.

They leave in droves to come to me, and leave in pieces. The siren song is so good the wench thinks it true too.

wait I feel it now.

i thought the embers meant it had died.

how silly of me, a gentle enough breeze lit a spark. there is a flicker then a flame.

the soft exhale of a sleeping giant has done the trick.

there is something alien inside my chest.

it leaks out of me slowly, heady and viscous.

what is this,

it sticks to my hands and won't wipe off.

collects dirt and grime, and soap can't break it apart.

i can taste it on my tongue sometimes, bitter, addicting.

its hollowed out a space and grew before i realized to be afraid.

the taste is getting stronger, the weight heavier, every breath pushes it into my ribs, i can feel the scrape of teeth on bone, its gnawing on me.

eating me from the inside, licking up my organs, hot and slick.

its gripping onto my throat, makes it hard to speak.

i think its in my guts, twisted and wriggling, and creeping under my skin heating it up.

press into me bitter parasite, let me play good host.

Having siblings, is god's gift to humanity. Who would I be without them? My very existence is tied into who they are, there is no distinction between who I would be without them and who I have become for them. Have we become who the other needs or brought out the parts of ourselves that already exists. I exist for them. We would be dead without each other. I know love because of them.

i am living with chronic dying.

every breath feels like it could be the last,

oh gas station man,

how faithful you are.

you are ever present, you greet me and smile, no matter my state.

gas station man the light in your eyes never wavers for me, whether saunter or stumble, you are the same.

a parasite lives in my stomach.

it eats what i eat, then demands for more.

i think i have been comfortable in this grey zone for so long, because it offers the comfort of not needing to be vulnerable. no one talks about their feelings, therefore you dont have to worry. i know it all sounds like evil bullshit, and thats actually because it is.

i have been in successful relationships, where i communicated very well, but for some reason this inbetween, a "situationship" of sorts, creates a space for me to be comfortable with someone and also not have to commit, which is sickening and disgusting and i must do better.

i think that i should go into something knowing what i want the result to be. im so used to my peers not wanting to state what we are, and them saying oh we will just see where it goes, and having this like understood notion that we are getting to know eachother. but we have all been going about it all wrong. or at least i have, and the answer was in my face the whole time. i dont know why i haven't fixed this issue. maybe its because i never really cared that much because the people i was hanging out with also did not really care, or were so blase about things that i did not think anything of it.