Swiggity Swag

SO! A lot has happened. Not much by way of romance, but more on life updates, I suppose.

To start, I got promoted from production coordinator to full-time editor in my company. My first project was honestly brutal but seeing the views on the platform means that all my hard work did pay off and I conducted myself much better than I anticipated coming in to the new job. My boss definitely gave me hell for some fuckups but I followed all the steps and I absolutely gave my damnedest. That being said, as of writing this blog, I haven't been paid for my efforts yet but it hasn't been that long since the project finished so I'll be a little more patient.

I'm also living in a new place! Permanently, and much better than the rental we had in the prior years. It's still a bit of a struggle, trying to adjust to the new living situation, but it's miles better than everything I've experienced in the old house. The old house was where my dad died, and where my ex (technically) broke up with me. I will say that living here definitely has its pros and cons, and the cons can be overcome with, arguably, some money and a bit more confidence, but I think they're not that bad compared to the cons of the old house. When I get my pay, I'll definitely be making upgrades to my room.

Romance... Romance... I don't know what to say, really. Yes, I still think about my ex, but less than I normally would, which I would say is a definite growth from who I was a year ago. I haven't really put myself out there to date after some really bad dating experiences in the second half of 2025. I would say that I didn't do much to fuck them up, and I'm quite happy that I didn't fuck anything up, but it was other people's mistakes that disappointed me and led me to stop seeing guys entirely. I'm still open to romance, but I want something more organic and... as delusional as it sounds, something out of a movie.

Let's see... I've stopped talking to my Russian friend entirely, but we're not on bad terms. I've given up any romantic interest in this one Discord friend, but we're now closer friends and that's fine with me. I dated a couple guys last year; one decided to hook up with another guy (that I personally know!) a few days after our first date, and another one was too obsessed to start dating me that it killed my interest in him entirely. All I have now are scattered crushes on some guys that I've met on Discord and frankly they're much more entertaining than anything I've put up with since the past year.

One stands out among them. Ah, who cares. His name is Jei. He's part of the Monster Hunter crew I roll with. He's very friendly, warm, funny, charming, and empathetic. We've grown close since last year and we even met up with a couple of friends in person. Safe to say, the first meetup solidified my feelings for him, and now I'm kind of... back where I was when I was in high school and college, crushing on a straight guy. He's just delightful, but I can't deny that I get the dumbest feelings around him, like being mildly upset when he doesn't give me attention, or feeling annoyed when he doesn't send me messages on social media. That's kind of how I realized I may have fallen a little too deep, and that this is yet another hole I have to climb out of if he won't be the one to help me get out of it.

Yeah. It sucks right now for me, but not entirely. Still, my romantic feelings tend to overpower my basic functions so, yes, I have gotten a little depressed over my feelings for Jei and how unrequited they are, especially after he told me two things. One was about how one of our gay friends confessed their feelings for him, and he clearly had to reject, and that put me in a very weird position where now I can't really risk him knowing I'm into him. Another was something about him running into his ex recently and how that ex had been talking to him again. *sigh* My poor little heart can't catch a break. Anyway, all this boils down to is that I'm still single and not really making much progress by way of love and romance.

To put it lightly, I'm fucked. No. I'm kidding, but I haven't been feeling so well in the past month...

That being said, things have changed since I last updated this blog. Right from the get go in January, I made new friends, somehow. It started with me doing some silly livestreams for TikTok playing Monster Hunter, which led me to talking to my audience, and further led me into joining their Discord servers. From here on, I met new people who are slowly becoming my new friend group from now on.

The next few months mostly involved me pulling out my old social skills and putting them to the test in joining a community. It was me attempting to find soulmates and keeping them forever (or, for at least a couple of years). I managed to make my own little circle of friends, dysfunctional as we all are. One of them I kind of have a crush on, but I can't really see it going anywhere for now unless he initiates something first, but whatever.

In the space of time that transpired, I have gained new friends, but I've lost one as well. A "friend" was too toxic, and I had to just cut things off with them. Hope they're doing well, but I also hope they never talk to me again.

It's July now, and I'm at that point where I just don't know what's going on, or where I'm headed for in life. I just wanna keep up with my new friends, and maybe consider a new career path. At 28 years old, I'm still trying to claw my way out of some hellish pit that both the pandemic and my ex dropped me into. I'm envious of other people who are able to bounce back like nothing happened. I haven't taken a vacation in years, and it's starting to take a toll on me.

I've been experiencing brain fog, I think. I don't know if it's because of my bipolar disorder, or my compounded depressing experiences in life, or both. There's been moments at my work where I just freeze and do nothing, in an effort to prevent bad things from happening. Even I don't understand why that's my coping mechanism, and why it happens so frequently. It's so stupid, because I honestly feel like I just need something good to happen in my life so that I can have a fresh start. That maybe if I were in a better mood most of the time, I would be able to get things done better. Oh well, who cares anyway. A couple more fuckups and I can just kiss my job goodbye.

On a brighter note, my gaming experience has never been better. It is honestly very nice that I have people to play with on the regular. My socializing paid off, and now I manage a Discord server. I know they can't do much to improve my living situation, but they ease the pain. Laughter arising from a friend's humour can cure a bad day. Maybe this is incredibly selfish of me, but I do hope that I can find a romantic plot twist from a friend. It's the kind that's preferrable to the nightly scrolling of a gay hookup app that I have a love-hate relationship with. To be honest, the sex partners available to me are... not that great. I don't intend to start anything with them beyond casual sex maybe once a month, and I intend to keep it that way.

I can't say it's all been bad, but so far nothing concretely good without any catch has happened to me this month. For starters, I've lost touch with my Russian friend (maybe?). He still DMs me sometimes but for mundane things, and it makes me feel like a clown for not even considering going out with him recently. Maybe it's because I saw him as a love interest, and that's a mistake that can surely cost a friendship.

Other than that, I've revived my Tinder. I've been talking to new people, and they've all been pretty... meh. Some guys I've talked to just don't seem to know how to talk at all. No basic conversation skills, yet they still created an account to match with people anyway. Despite this paradoxical nonsense, I managed to capture the attention of someone pretty cool, I guess. A week ago, I matched with a actual Russian guy. At first, I just swiped right out of curiosity if we will match, and a couple hours later, we did. I said привет and he replied back with the same. I certainly caught his attention because somehow I was replying in Russian, despite being Filipino. I was talking to him for several days, getting used to being able to speak some amount of Russian, and even fully enjoying it. He was telling me all about himself, and what he likes, gosh it was so fun.

Then, the ghosting. Christmas Eve was the last day we talked. I don't know i I said something that rubbed him the wrong way, particularly because he didn't say anything. Christmas day, I greeted him. No reply back. At that point, I kind of just knew immediately. It was something I'd already experienced before, so nothing too disappointing to be felt. Then again, it did bring me back to who I was before I met my ex. I was just a desperate guy, trying to find companionship wherever I was. Happiness felt like a threat of an impending punishment.

Now, December 27, I just feel like a weird being taking up space. I still check up on my ex every now and again. He posts things that talk about regretting letting go or whatever. I can't tell if he's talking about someone he met after we broke up, or if he was talking about me. Either way, I'm delusional, so of course I will assume it's about me. It leads me to being pissed off as to why he doesn't reach out to me if he has these feelings of regret and loneliness, especially since last month I met up with him to talk about the whole breakup, and offered my friendship as a gesture of good will.

As it happens throughout my whole life, nothing ever goes in my favour. I always have to accept that other people's wills are to be followed, and mine is always just a suggestion. It's fine, I've survived by being kind. As Waymond said in EEAAO, "This is how I fight."

2025? Honestly, I have no fucking clue what's in store for me. All I know is that I have to be prepared for shitstorms and unexpected emotional anguish that is completely out of my control. I wish I was religious, then I could just say that God is testing me. Unfortunately, I'm not, so I question why I'm being repeatedly tested and never rewarded for when I pass the tests.

Anyway, reader, I hope that your holidays and the end of 2024 are going much better than than mine. I don't know how to end this on a cheery note, so I'll just wish everyone good health and better prospects for when they need it most. Bye 2024!