Eris' Apple Pie

Today I got some bad news that will affect me in the foreseeable future. Asked for guidance for tomorrow:

Decided to give a shot to the new divination challenge.

I have been thinking about summing up my experience for a while. I finished the 50th day in a crappy hotel bathroom and the next day we were changed to a fancy, €300 a night hotel. Stuff at work broke down so I could get some much deserved rest. The computer program literally stoped working on the night I was supposed to work, only to mysteriously start again the other day when it was my colleague’S shift. At work, seems like I’m finally turning from the bad to the good side of some people and over all my performance is improving. I got directed to a specific magical path that is actually awesome (this was him “teaching me”) and got acquainted with a Bad ass, powerful Spirit…that I’m not allowed to talk about.

On the 49th day it was the first time Paimon actually had some good words for me. He showed up in his feminine shape. I love the image so much I’m getting an illustrator friend to draw it. Paimon as a curvy strawberry blonde dressed in see through white robes with a skull necklace… and skull flip flops.

She was kind and reminded me that I am strong, that I can fend of any shit in my way. She said I had been hanging around weak people and forgot how strong I was. She said that She could give me power but that it would never get me love, or peace. She said I needed to be strong as steel and tough as leather to be able to deal with the weight of power. And I guess that was the lesson of the 50 days. She proposed a further 50 to actually deliver said power. I thanked her but said that I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t want power at all, I was just confused about the meaning of it.

I noticed Paimon always seemed to want me to leave my ex back in the day. We considered getting back together for a while during the challenge, but it wasn’t meant to be. I do believe Paimon might have a hand in there as well. “I will forge you in fire so that you will be strong as steel and tough as leather”.

She has no interest in human affairs, that much is clear. She told me as much “I don’t really get human feelings, I never was human”.

How some people consider Paimon as a water spirit I will never understand! I came away from this challenge thinking (s)he is at times earth and other fire, and yes, even air… but water? Not a drop. Which further makes me believe the classification of demons in elements makes no sense at all.

Paimon also made me think a lot about the nature of these spirits, who and what they are. I do feel stronger.. and tougher.

The pressure at work is making my colleagues break down… one of them spent their lunch time sobbing the other day…and I have been improving my performance (and income) steadily. There are still some pending issues so this might not be forever, but it happened during the 50 days.

So, all things being equal.. would I do it again?

I guess I would. I did learn some interesting things but this whole tough love approach leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I’m not a fan of authoritarian figures, so maybe Paimon and I are not meant to be.

My blog posts have been a bit delayed lately but that might actually turn out to be a good thing, as it has afforded me some time to reflect on what I’ve seen.

Paimon has pretty much stopped communicating verbally with me and does so mostly through images. The reason behind this might be to allow me to take some of my own conclusions.

It’s my belief that what we sense as a demon (or even a deity) is a mix of the exterior entity that does exist, and some of our own mind, biases and experiences. Meaning, they appropriate our memories and context to communicate. So it’s normal that Paimon shows as images I associate with power but also images I’m used to seeing related to this deity.

So, here comes my not so big revelation: Do not assume Paimon’s gender (Seriously).

I never worked so long with Paimon before and as such I think I’m only now starting to scratch the surface of who this deity really is.

In the last couple of nights Paimon has been presenting as a Woman dressed in a white see-through tunic and veil, adorned with gold body jewellery and wearing a small gold crown.

It occurred to me that previously I’d always seen a figure with a skull for a face and long robes. I assumed it was a man. However, I don’t think Paimon is worried about that duality. It may dwell precisely in the middle.

I saw it present as that skeleton in robes, as the hierophant and also as the high priestess card.

Something I left out on the sex magick post was that that was the first time I saw it as a woman. It was confusing to me as I am heterosexual, but the experience was not unpleasant.

So this idea that Paimon showing up as a woman was to show itself as a passive entity (me being the active one if that makes sense) just did not add up because it was her who was in charge, 100%.

And the image I got in my head was not really lesbian sex.. does that make sense? Maybe not, I’m having a hard time myself making sense of it. Spirits have no genitals anyway, so how would one go about describing it?

But that is the less of my concerns so far.

Yesterday I got this image of her in the white robes again, with a scroll in hand, with Paimon’s burning seal on it.

So I’m thinking she wants me to write this down. Maybe she’s tired of people calling her a king. Monarch Paimon would be better, I suppose.

Maybe these 50 days will turn into a book later?  Stay tuned, cause I have no idea what’s going on either.

That being said: this “Paimon is actually a woman” is a debate going on for ages. I found this on Stratton-kent’s “Pandemonium”.

So while I’m writing this, Phanessa hits me up on facebook with her rendering of Paimon that she requested directly from him. “Come through the pen” - she said. And she was already planning to show it to me. This is what she showed me.

I commented with her Paimon looks like a man in drag. I really got a vibe of a drag queen just getting ready to go into costume.

And the best part, of course, is that she was completely unaware of my findings in the previous night.

Wow, this is starting to make some sense.

Seems like paimon talks only every other day. I can feel him around just by closing my eyes and imagining his seal so I can only believe this is by design. I can’t really remember much from Friday. No more sex magick, that I remember. Just the usual offerings, can’t really remember much. I’ve been really very tired, and this week will not be very easy in terms of schedule either. Sleep deprivation is a very good way of torturing and bending people and I think he knows it. Bael keeps showing up even while I’m chanting Paimon’s enn. Enns are not very useful for me, I keep rolling my tongue and forgetting about them. I usually do better just singing their praises and asking for them to show up. Anyway… not only I’m struggling to keep this ritual going as I’ve been flooded with requests for magical help from friends and since Paimon will not help with anything, this means extra ritual. But since I need some fun as well I went to the Capital on Saturday to meet some occultist friends. The trip did not go very well as it was not well planned and ended up adding to my general exhaustion. I met some cool people tho, interested in demonolatry too. It’s always nice to meet these people in meatspace for a change. That night I had rented a room at a hostel with a friend but I still performed a quick invocation before bed. He showed up as his old hierophant self with a scroll on his hand. Bael attended once more, but silently. That was all I saw and could not get any more info. I’m thinking he wants me to write something cause when he wants me to study he shows me books instead. I was way too tired to dig deeper so I said “my part of the deal is done, I’m gonna sleep now”.

Day 21 was spent mostly going back home and then did some other invocation at night. Could not concentrate at all, ended up falling asleep again. I did manage to give the offerings and saw his sigil flash but o cant remember anything else. I guess it counts, it has to.

Can I just start by saying : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?

This was one of the most challenging weeks I can remember! I’ve been so anxious I started smoking again when I used to be just an occasional smoker. I felt deranged (I still do), tired, frustrated, embarrassed and more!

So, day 17: I think i went to that stage of “grief” of trying to negotiate. 

“If you could just give me a sign that I’m not just failing at this ritual, that this is actually not a waste of time... pretty please”.

My sign would be to have a peaceful night for a change. It got a bit better, buuuut no. No sleep. 

Either way, I knew I wasn’t going to quit, best I could do would be to switch my focus to some other spirit. I just can’t make myself quit. As pissed off as I was, as tired as I was... I’m taking this really seriously. 

It occurred to me that I cant bargain with him. I need to get his favour. He doesn’t need me. Some of the spirits on the goetia need something from us, not Paimon, not Belial, not those really fucked bad ass gods of old.

It is possible that by the end of the 50 days I just lost 50 hours of my life... but oh well, I always prefer to regret what I did than what I could have done.

So, same shit different day, right? Onto day 18.

Got home and noticed the cleaning lady had cleaned and rearranged my altar. I need a note “caution: do not touch: here be demons”.

As advised by Tom I did a divination to check if this was Paimon’s doing. Guess what? No, I really just have a cleaning lady who probably thinks too nicely of me to think I’m doing “black magick”. And it makes sense because, unlike most people, I really don’t care if you touch my altar. And apparently neither does him.

So, later that night, exactly the same ritual, no response, got ready to sleep. But I wasn’t exactly ready to sleep... I decided I was going to chant the Enn as long as it took. And it did not take that long.

Then, something did happen. Can I just say it was a weird sex magick thing? I was never one to kiss and tell. But yeah, gave me something to think about.This part is going on my personal journal, you pervs.

I had actually been told this could happen, so - you know who you are - you were right. 

Tests are not supposed to be easy, and I think that part of the test to me is to actually write this and expose my vulnerability, my failure and struggle. And just keep on to the bitter end.

He always said I need to toughen up. And it’s been tough, yet I’m still here. 

How bow dat?

Yet, I -know- It’s going to get worse. But, this badass hindu girl told me that’s what Gurus do to you: they break you to build you back up. It’s not supposed to be easy. This is not Masonry: you don’t get to buy degrees.

I’m just really happy I got this amazing people aiding me along: Tom and Brian and Ananda. Such valuable advice! I felt awkward just opening up to the world like this, especially when I felt like I was failing so hard. But actually I’ve been amazed at all the support.

so... yeah. Bring it on! 

In the last 5 days I’ve been on call all night, but still have to show up to work in the morning.  This is fucking criminal and it’s driving me crazy.

So when Paimon makes my life harder, it takes all I have to not tell him to go fuck himself.

I still managed to begin the invocation, get the offerings, start the enn.. and fall asleep. It counts on my book, I don’t fucking care.

He’s there, but if he doesnt want to talk or whatever, fine by me!

Actually, the one thing I asked him was to make sure he this didnt happen. But, he decided “he does not grant wishes” so I could go fuck myself.

I had a few hours I could use up to not show up for work and I managed to use them up today, so I wont be able to take Friday off, so  no fancy ritual for him.

I start thinking to myself if the challenge counts if done out of spite. Cause that’s how I’ve been feeling.

Oh Gods, this one was weird.

As I was expecting, the sleep deprivation is making its way into my life and, of course, my ritual.

I went to work in the morning having slept about 3 hours. Because I’ve been on call for the weekend, I’ve been sleeping in little intervals. 

Something tells me Paimon is not getting the present we talked about in the previous session.

So, I got home around 2 pm and did my ritual. This time I tried to scry into a bowl of alcohol on fire, almost burned my altar down as the fire started popping a bit too much because I had some liquid paraffin mixed in by accident. Had to put the fire down.

Some more menstrual blood (good to give my fingers a rest, as they are scarred as hell from all the offerings) which he seems to appreciate even more than regular blood.

So, this time I really left myself fall asleep during the ritual, there is only thing I remember: usually I see Paimon as a skeleton robbed as an Arab and this time he was just a regular Arab in the desert.

For some reason I started thinking about the scene of the Djiin from american gods. 

So, besides being a sexy, sexy scene between 2 Arab guys that I really enjoyed watching, there was something that stuck with me: “Fire consumes”. So much so the guy on the bottom there ends up dead (spoilers?).

Just like the fire I made at the altar for him got a bit out of control.

The catchphrase of this djin is “I do not grant wishes”.

And I’ve been pissed off at Paimon because he has done pretty much nothing of what I requested so far.  I´m pissed off, and he knows it.

I guess I haven't been granting his wishes either. I seriously cannot get into studying the qlipoth on 3 hours of sleep. And the Scrying into fire... too dangerous. I will have to seriously fire proof the altar first. 

So I guess we are both stubborn? Fuck. 

The thing is I don’t know if this was his way of communicating his point, or if I really just like that scene in american gods.