epochbrontide

How do I feel loved?

Now that I am in front of this screen, the thoughts are lost. The words that were on the tip of my tongue are barricaded inside.

afraid to come to life but longing to be heard.  Forgiveness and Hope disguising themselves as hate and anger.  

Here’s the thing though, I’m not sure that I’ve tried to ask either my Mother or Father how they met. 

A new awareness

A lighter step

warmth

compassion.

Things have changed.  

A long period of darkness.

I gave into it and in a way, it was exactly what I needed to do. 

I needed to explore that place.

I needed to explore all of those places.

I needed to see all of it

I needed to sense what I couldn’t see.

I needed to see myself

the one I keep turning away from

the one I kept putting aside

I’m learning to feel myself in my body

I described the change as going from hunched over, looking downwards shrouding my head with my arms, seeing almost a constant shadow and only the ground. To being able to stand up straight, look forward, side to side and all around me, free movement of my arms, a smile on my face.

There is something that I want you all to understand about yourself and your peers.  You do not have to share the details of your story or compare your scars to anyone else’s to know that you are worthy of acceptance, friendship or love.  Your story is yours.  Your story is yours to keep or share as you feel prepared, safe and comfortable sharing it.  Your scars are not for comparison.  Your scars and battle wounds are your own personal reminders that you, yourself are a warrior.  You have all survived.  Every one of you is a warrior. and every one of you is worthy of acceptance, friendship, and love.

Love, 

Behind her was the closest exit to the unsafe world outside and down the hallway to the right was the room that she slept in.  The room where she fantasized about growing up to be a young woman for sale - laying outside a shop on a dirty mattress with a number four on it.  Her legs out on the mattress in the shape of a four as well.  She hoped that her legs being spread would let the buyer know that she would be an enthusiastic purchase.  She dreamed of being chosen. She so badly wanted to be picked and loved and kept.

What would I do if I were completely alone? If I didn’t have family or a partner or friends or acquaintances to occupy my time with.  

What would I do If I I was the only person in my life? How would I spend my time? What would my interests be? would I enjoy painting more often? would I decide to get a cat or dog on my own? would I take vacations alone? where would I go? What would I do while I was there? what would I do?

Remember that you are living your life for yourself, but remember that while you’re doing that you bring joy to others. Remember yourself. 

While new interests arise from the push or thoughts of another person, and they may be things you’d never think of on your own, remember that your ideas are great, too. You can do anything! You just need to follow through.  fuck waiting for the motivation. just fucking start doing it.

and, as always, 

*love*, 

Yes, I know it’s soon.  Yes, I know it sounds crazy. Yes, I will miss my friends and family. Yes, it feels right. So, now that I have definitely made this decision... where the hell do I start?   I think I will need my vehicle when I am there.  so I will have to drive it across.  A friend gave me the idea of just getting a hitch on my car and towing a small trailer since I don’t own a whole lot of stuff. --Or sell my car, ship my stuff and fly there. (get quotes on this) - but then, I don’t have a vehicle once I’m there. I will start getting rid of things, and keep the money for life out there. Honestly, I don’t know what I would get for the majority of it, since its really not stuff most people are looking to buy. crafty items. costume wear, actual clothes.. random stuff.

Yeah, woah is right.  I am a little giddy about my life.  Okay - ridiculously, unbelievably giddy and I love it. Work Front:

I finally got a job in my field - and it’s really great.  Meeting and getting to know so many new people is a little exhausting though.  Trying to be authentically myself at work, while staying appropriate and not divulging too much about my personal life is hard.  The schedule is not like any other that I have worked before, but so far things are going well. Feels Front:

I have been trying to challenge myself over the past year to take more risks and to be okay with rejection, to be less attached to the outcome of events or relationships, and so far it has been really inspiring.  It has helped me appreciate the relationships I have for what they are, where they melt in my life, and to appreciate those people in the relationships for exactly who they are. It has taken me a really long time to love my authentic self.  I’ve spent so many years loving people for who they are, while not loving myself for who I am.  Not loving myself was noticeable, and I’ve been with some people who didn’t love me for who I was either.  As I’ve written before, I was terribly unhappy for a long time, and it took a lot of work to move forward from that. I am so grateful to have had the experiences of meeting people who love me for who I am over the past year, it has been amazing.  It is sort of a reassurance of my own confidence, but sometimes I catch myself wondering if I’m not putting in as much effort towards maintaining my mental health as I was before - because those outside loves are there to love me anyway.  I guess writing that out is a little reminder to not put my love for me on a balance scale with the love I am receiving from others. “Be your own fucking Sun.”  Once in a while I still need a reminder to not be dependent on others and that, ultimately, I am my own source. Depending on someone else, or someone else depending on you to be their source of everything that they need in order to be happy gives me the feeling of being trapped, or constricted.   Being my own source has taught me so much, and it has attracted like minded people into my life.   I have been able to rely on myself to recognize my own feelings, the root of those feelings, and to be the one to communicate those feelings without someone trying to fish it out of me. Gushiness:

Just after New years I took, what to me felt like, a huuuge leap - my heart was pounding, and I sent a message to someone I wanted to get to know more.  The outcome right now has been this: I have had the pleasure of getting to know someone amazing over the last few months.  It has been wonderful.  And sometimes I feel crazy for the thoughts that go through my head when I think about him.  This kind of crazy is a crazy that I’m totally in love with though.  I wont lie, I think we’re pretty fucking great. “and that’s all I got to say about that..” Love, 

I used to I feel obliged to stay in relationships (even friendships) because I’m the only one that has changed.

But now I know that if I am changing and my friend or partner is laying the guilt on me because of it, then that relationship no longer suits me.

We can change and become different people, and in some relationships the other person is supportive of your growth. Those relationships are out there.

Love,