From A Hole In The Ground

It finally happened. During last night’s Ravenloft D&D game, I put on my best Rob Cantor impersonation and unleashed Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf on my players.

I have accomplished all I ever wished to as a Dungeon Master.

I opened the encounter almost verbatim to the song:

“You’re walking in the Svalich woods. There’s no one around, And you suspect the sun is dead. Out of the corner of your eye you spot him, Shia Labeouf!”

The players were stunned silent.

“He’s following you About 30 feet back. He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint. He’s gaining on you. And you can see there’s blood on his face! My god, there’s blood everywhere!

…roll initiative.”

I found out why after I’d been working there, oh, about a month. My period started suddenly, as it sometimes does, and I asked to excuse myself to go to the ladies’ room. He wanted to know why. I told him.

He started ranting about how lazy women were. How we wasted time. How we were so careless and unhygenic, and that there was no call for that. He finished by telling me that I certainly was NOT going to the ladies’ room and that I was just going to sit there and work. He finished this off with a decisive nod, as if I’d just been told and there could be no possible argument.

“If I don’t go,” I said in an overly patient tone, “the blood is going to soak through my pants, stain my new skirt that I just bought, and possibly get on this chair I’m sitting in. I need something to soak up the blood. That’s why I need to go to the bathroom.”

His face turned oatmeal-gray; an expression of pure horror spread across his face. He leaned forward and whispered, “Wait, you mean that if you don’t go, you’ll just keep on bleeding? I thought that women could turn it off any time that they wanted!”

I thought,  You have got to be kidding.

Several horrified whispers later, I learned that he wasn’t. He actually thought a) that women could shut down the menstrual cycle at will, b) that we essentially picked a week per month to spend more time in the bathroom, i.e. to goof off, and c) that napkins and tampons were sex toys paid for by Health and Human Services. I didn’t know the term then, but he believed that tampons were dildos. Which was why he and a good number of his friends considered them luxuries.

Ripped Pants

When Spongebob has to sleep over under Patrick’s rock and Patrick beats Spongebob like 50 times in his sleep…

Krusty Krab Pizza Song / WE USED TO RIDE THESE BABIES FOR MILES!

Plankton turns Spongebob into a robot and then he rebels.

FIRMLY GRASP IT!

I’m in the kitchen…at night. / Nosferatu

“3 cheers for Squidward! Hip hip! Boo.. Hip hip! boo.. Hip hip.. BOO YOU STINK!”

Krusty Krab Training Video

The one where Sandy is into extreme sports and Spongebob can’t keep up.

WHEN THEY THINK THEY KILLED THE HEATH INSPECTOR, HOLY SHIT!

Sandy hibernates…

Spongebob and Patrick try to raise a baby clam…

Spongebob and Patrick paint the invisible boat mobile BLACK!

Onion Breath / I’M UGLY…AND I’M PROUD!

When Spongebob and Patrick pretend to be Squiward when he’s trying to sell his house…

When Spongebob gets sick and Patrick tries to cure him…

WHAT I LEARNED FROM BOATING SCHOOL IS…..

CHOOOCCOLLATTEEEEE

Spongebob B.C.

When they are afraid to go on land but then they go on land and it turns into live action and Spongebob is a kitchen sponge…

SEA BEAR / CAMPFIRE SONG SONG

Magic Conch Shell

SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!

Spongebob tries to get into the Salty Spitoon.

FUUUUUTUUREEEE

Talent show with Squidward’s interpretive dance…

The dream episode where Spongebob is Squidward’s clarinet and he goes LAAALAAAALALLALALALA ALAAALAAAAA!

Kevin and the queen jellyfish…

Fine dining and breathing…

Flying Dutchman’s leedle leddle leedle lee…