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Justin Trudeau files 35 million workplace harassment complaints against Canada

OTTAWA – Less than one week after guiding his party to a surprise majority in the federal election, Prime Minister-designate Justin Trudeau has already filed 35 million workplace harassment complaints against his employers, the people of Canada.

“Obviously this isn’t the way I envisioned starting a new job,” explained Trudeau, “But I can’t work like this. Everywhere I go, women keep calling me names like ‘The PMILF,’ telling me to smile more, and yelling things like “show us your abs!” This morning, Marc Garneau and Bill Blair had a 45-minute conversation about how fuckable I am.  In my office.  Right in front me.”

The Liberal leader went on to add that the problem is even worse online, where his social media feeds have been inundated with shirtless photos of him, invitations from constituents to “Netflix and chill,” as well as countless links to editorial pieces on what political insiders all agree is “a pretty stellar D”.

The harassment has become so pervasive, Trudeau notes, that’s it’s even spread beyond Canada’s borders.

“Angela Merkel drunk dialled me at 3am last night,” recounted the Papineau MP, “To tell me she’d rather sit on my face than on the UN Security Council.”

But while Trudeau sees himself as a victim, the government’s Chief Human Resources Officer places blame for the unwanted attention squarely on the taut, muscular shoulders Canada’s 29th Prime Minister.  In a statement released today, the CHRO claimed that Mr. Trudeau is “asking for it with those suits he wears.”

“The guy just spent two and half months travelling across the country, begging Canadians to let him show us what he can do,” the statement continued. “And then when we try to take him up on it, he complains.”

The Ruined. Sunbury. Australia

You know, we try really hard not to hate you. Really hard. You’re my parents’ generation, you know? And I fucking love my parents.

But your generation really needs to learn to shut up and take a good, hard look at yourselves.

Today, I tried to get advice in a civil, polite and educated manner about a situation in which one is trying to juggle work and uni. I wanted to know how one could navigate the narrow criteria to qualify for youth payments from the government. And while some people were helpful, some were outright disgusting. All they could say is “KIDS THESE DAYS ARE SO SELFISH/LAZY/ETC MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND LESS TIME ON YOUR SOCIAL LIFE.”

Okay, firstly–if I ask you for advice and that is your response, which, by the way, I CAN DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITH, how about you shut the fuck up?

Secondly, are you seriously fucking saying that every single person in my generation doesn’t work hard? You’re saying that to me? I’m a DIRECTOR at the age of 24 in an organisation with over 200 employees. I have two degrees. I work, intern, study, and volunteer, and the first thing that gets put aside when I’m busy is my social life. And you know what that results in? A FUCKING LOT OF CRYING AND PANICKING AND PSYCHOLOGIST APPOINTMENTS. I have a great resume and references, but do you know how much I paid for that in terms of my own fucking sanity?? A FEW FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS IN TEARS, THANK YOU.

Thirdly, let’s talk about how the average burn-out rate in my youth organisation is 7 months. 7 months, and these are kids who volunteer, as well as study at uni or school, work and pay their own rent, utilities and bills, and are under the age of 22, in most cases.

My 21 year old director messaged me today to tell me she wasn’t coming in because had a mental break and panic attack last night, and she’s only been in the role for 3 months.

My 24 year old best friend had a nervous breakdown last month because of the stress of her workload, working full time at EY and studying 1 unit of uni.

My 25 year old ex-boyfriend and I split up because he didn’t have the time or mental capacity for a long distance relationship on top of his 60 hour graduate working week in construction management and 2 units of uni.

I had a meltdown last year at 23 because I was handling full time uni, and internship and volunteering. I can’t get a job despite testing within the top 15th percentile of graduates because you’re not creating them.

I went for a meeting at one of the biggest financial management organisations in Australia the other day and was told that the 9-5 job was a lie, that you’re expected to work more, and not be paid for overtime.

Our generation works our fucking asses off. You take advantage of us all the fucking time. We’re the first generation to be less wealthy than our parents because you guys fucked off with the economic boom of the early 2000s and left us with nothing. By 24-34, we’re only 48% likely to own our own homes compared to your 61%, because of your unsustainable housing market boom. On that note, did I mention that although average wage has rise by 27%, average housing prices have risen by 121%? Yep. My parents bought my house for ~$200,000 in 1990. In 2015, it’s valued at $750,000. Also, you are now making us pay for our university degrees when you got them for free, and not only that, but according to the Governments’ changes in tax law and war on universities in the past year, it will now take us twice as long to pay off our university debts. We’re the first generation of tertiary-educated Australians in history who will start work already in debt because of our university degrees.

Your generation is the one that has been labelled as the ones with the obsession with “instant gratification, a tendency for poor planning, and a sense of materialism”.  We’re the offspring of you, the most divorced generation in history. 

You hate us, but we’re a generation who grew up with war, with terrorism, with fear and conflict and murder and the aftereffects of capitalist bloodshed on our screens every day. We’re watching society fall down around our ears. My International Security professor told us last year that there will be kids entering high school soon who have never seen a year of peace in their lives.

We’re the ones who have been saddled with the mistakes you’ve made. We’re the ones who are holding on to each other despite our differences and telling each other it’s okay to be who we are, whether we’re gay or straight or black or white. Who are trying to save the environment, who are trying to solve your wars and find homes for the asylum seekers you’ve created, who are trying to cure poverty and wage inequality and food distribution, who run your social impact teams, who volunteer, who study courses that are going to change the world, who give back to society, who travel, all the while building our character strengths and portfolios so that we fit into the dumb as fuck capitalist world you made - and all you can say is that we’re lazy?

Jeez, it’s like having only one character

to represent your whole gender

in a group composed all of another gender

what

that’s like

can you 

even imagine

what this lack of representation

MUST 

FEEL 

LIKE

1. You fucking live here

2. You fucking live here

3. You fucking live here

4. You fucking live here

Ring brings ancient Viking, Islamic civilizations closer together

More than a century after its discovery in a ninth century woman’s grave, an engraved ring has revealed evidence of close contacts between Viking Age Scandinavians and the Islamic world.

An inscription on the glass inset reads either “for Allah” or “to Allah” in an ancient Arabic script, the researchers report February 23 in Scanning.

Scandinavians traded for fancy glass objects from Egypt and Mesopotamia as early as 3,400 years ago (SN: 1/24/15, p. 8). Thus, seagoing Scandinavians could have acquired glass items from Islamic traders in the same part of the world more than 2,000 years later rather than waiting for such desirable pieces to move north through trade networks.

Hi guys! I wanted to inform you about this great thing that is happening!

These smart fellows have devised a way to create cups, straws, mixers, etc that can detect common date rape drugs. This is an amazing idea and it needs funding! The campaign ends in 35 hours and they are a little short on funding. Please, signal boost this or even give a dollar if you can, it’s a great cause and something that will really change the world!

The world is one bright soul poorer today. Yesterday, March 12th, Sir Terry Pratchett died.