Not Washington Magnus

I’m in a really bad place health wise, and it’s super embarrassing, and also it makes me susceptible to taking everything personally. And get hung up on tumblr stuff as a result.

Eg: Reading someone complain about a Thing Someone Did and assuming that a) they’re vague posting about me even though I’ve never met this person or b) I’ve obliviously done the exact same thing to someone else , and whether its a or b this is proof that I am The Worst and what am I going to do to make it better? Don’t mention it because that means you’re making it all about you, don’t apologise because that’s putting someone on the spot and pressuring them to forgive you, don’t make a post about it or reach out because you’re inserting yourself into a conversation where you don’t belong, don’t in fact do anything helpful to anyone but make sure to make yourself feel really bad about it in the process!

My therapist would probably advise me to get the fuck off tumblr if it bothers me so much, but this is also where I find a lot of comfort and connection so I’m gonna just. Try to avoid looking at any hotly contested topics for the time being. Which doesn’t feel great, because you can’t avoid important discussions just because they make you uncomfortable, discomfort it’s important and how you grow as a person, but right now any discomfort is piling on some Shit that I don’t need, so I will try to avoid saying or even reading things that could potentially get someone to even jokingly tell me to kms.

(NOT in immediate danger don’t freak out pls)

This post in itself feels awful to make because it feels like I’m asking people to “Pwease be caweful about my huwt feewings uwu”, or that I’m weaponising my mental illness to shut down discussions. But then I have to remind myself that I’m not shutting down anything, just choosing not to engage. Which I haven’t really done in the first place; I’ve just obsessively been reading back-and-forths and callouts and vent posts and convincing myself they’re directed at me personally whether or not I’ve actually done anything wrong, or that I’m inherently wrong because I can’t decide who in the debate has the better points, but since each person is making the other out to be obviously terrible, my failure to see the obvious terribleness means I’m DEFINITELY terrible and you can see how this is just a stupid mess now

Yeah reading it put like that I do not benefit from being in those spaces and nobody will gain anything from me showing up in them, so. I’m gonna hang back.

If you think you know what this is about (I’d be surprised because, as my rational mind wants to remind me, nobody else dwells on my failings as much as I do) then you’re probably partially right, except it’s about many other “issues” as well. You’d be surprised at how much discourse of varying subject and importance I can get lost in my head about.

If I’ve chanced to have An Opinion before removing this post, or if I’ve made a misstep in my ignorance, don’t think you shouldn’t call me out, just. Please be kind about it. And if you don’t have the capacity for that, maybe this is not the time for us to connect, block and move on and maybe in the future I can work things out and become a better person without you having to be the one to intervene.