hey ahaâŚsorry i disappeared for months on end, i kept going back and forth about whether or not to end it all and just ended up prolonging the suffering. but anyways, how have you been?!
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@endlessmania
hey ahaâŚsorry i disappeared for months on end, i kept going back and forth about whether or not to end it all and just ended up prolonging the suffering. but anyways, how have you been?!

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iâm trying to be less reactive/aggressive when i feel myself getting triggered but itâs so hard when my parents trigger me the most. i donât want to blow up at them (despite them deserving it sometimes)
why is everything so hard
Something about being at the absolute bottom feels like home
wanting to get sicker so people notice Vs not wanting anyone to comment on your current state because youâre embarrassed of what youâre doing to yourself
*mid-split* you think i wonât kill myself just to spite you? hahahahahhaaa wrong.

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it feels so degrading when iâm begging someone to stop trying to pick a fight with me/scream at me because i can tell iâm about to split
ppl will be like âi support people w mental health issues!!1!!!â until itâs about a societally demonised disorder. ppl will be âalliesâ until theyâre asked to stop using psychotic as an insult, ďżźto stop equating low empathy with being inherently evil, to stop calling anyone they donât like a sociopathic narcissist. itâs so telling how people will immediately resort to the exact same ableist language the second theyâre not talking about a âsympatheticâ disorder like depression or anxiety.
if ur respect for people w mental health issues is conditional on what sort of issue they have, itâs not respect at all.
Exhibiting symptoms does not make you an attention seeker.
One of the stranger things I've noticed lately is the intrusive feeling of alienation that comes with socializing with BPD.
It's that pervasive feeling that you're nothing more than a ticking time bomb and that everyone around you knows it, so they put on their facades and go about their days putting up with you instead of actually enjoying being around you. It's the notion that you're only tolerated, and nothing more.
It's that feeling that no matter what, you're excluded from ever having a "normal person" relationship. Its perceived as a part of the human experience that's closed off to you, forever leaving you banging the gates with a perpetually out-of-reach sense of camaraderie locked behind.
Splitting is awful, granted... but what's been really been soul-crushing lately is how it conditions you to be terrified of your own thoughts, and whether you're masking those thoughts enough to put on a facade of your own and exist in the world without judgment.
It's exhausting on a good day, unbearable the rest of the time.
Cluster B culture is always apologizing for your reactions but never being apologized to when you are truly wronged.
.

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you canât hurt me if Iâm â¨goneâ¨
*minor inconvenience*
me: im not gonna freak out and let it ruin my day-
brain: this is the worst thing thatâs ever happened to you. you should dwell on it until it determines your mood for the rest of the day. make it everyone elseâs problem and freak out at them because of it
BPD is watching yourself burn your own life to the ground over and over again
itâs a wild ride having âplease donât leave meâ and âitâs your loss if you doâ daddy issues with âplease donât yell at me ill cryâ and âfuck around find outâ mommy issues

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