Rantings of an Endigo

Coming out is not some rite of passage allowing you to finally be proud of yourself. Read that again. You should be proud of yourself because you have jumped into deep and unknown territory on a quest to explore who you are. It’s a journey we, sadly, often start alone. We feel lost. We are in the dark, with no one to guide us. On this quest, we face many challenges. We have to fight self-doubt, denial, fear, society, and monsters. It’s scary. Every day we have to find the strength to take a step closer to accepting ourselves in a world where many discourage us not to. It’s one heck of a quest. The journey you are on takes courage. And a lot of it. It’s hard. And that’s why I don’t want you to think that you need to be out to be proud. For real, please take a moment to realize this. You are on a journey most people will never have to endure. Don’t you see how strong you are? If you are not already telling yourself this, I will: Dear beautiful, brave soul; I am so proud of you. Continue your quest. You will make it. All of us have your back. You are not alone. Never forget this. Stay proud. ~ Roderick

Like, honestly I love seeing people who struggled to get pregnant succeed. I wish it was me, but I’m also happy for you. But I really have trouble swallowing when people who are already pregnant look back and tell us to “not lose hope”. Do you know how easy that is for you to say? Do you know how hard it is to hear?

Like, I’m really glad everything worked out for you… but it still might not for me. And every month that passes it feels like my chances get even worse.

So please, don’t pander to us infertile women. I get you were where I am, but your not anymore. I know infertility stays with you, looming like a dark shadow over your entire pregnancy… but it’s still slightly better than where I am. You don’t have to ask yourself “why not me” anymore.

I’m bitter af right now, but I’m still hopeful it will happen. We don’t have to be reminded to not lose hope, because we have no other choice than to be hopeful until we cross that line to give up completely. And there is nothing wrong with that decision either.

The women who do decide to “give up” and choose to adopt or to just focus on their own lives aren’t giving up hope. They are choosing a different path for themselves, and that’s ok.