a rêgular ðêcørateð êmêrgêncy

i knew you weren't actually coming back. i think we all knew to be honest. its easier to run, right?? easier to leave. i know, i get it. i know how horrid i am to deal with, they dont see it but you do. i think thats why i havent fought harder to get you back, its kinder to let you be free of me. i wish i could get away from me. hah, ive tried a bunch, hasn't worked yet but one day it will. i dont know if any of this makes sense. nothing i ever say really makes sense.

we sent the email. the big email. i assume you know, you would've seen the draft as we were writing it, i assume you did atleast, you did log in during the process after all. her mother got back to us, haven't replied yet, none of us are really sure what to say. i mean what can you say after that.

im still convinced somethings going to happen and shes gonna somehow make her return. i dont know how but thatd be my luck honestly.

402 hours total now in vc. started sleeping without muting, apparently i make small noises in my sleep, apparently theyre cute. she calls the noises 'snuffles'.

we've started trying to make plans on how to get people out. not many options. im trying to focus on getting everyone else out first, people dont seem too pleased that im not more focused on myself. why would i be though, so many factors make it almost impossible, i know they dont realise it, they don't know everything. even if i could get out, its either live near enough to my mother or move far away where i know nobody. neither option seems good.

i had more to say but my memory has been getting increasingly worse as of late so i dont remember what any of it was. not like it matters, you aren't going to actually read this anyway.