Things sure are here

I've been really silent on social media in general, ever since I separated from my ex-partners. I was afraid of them seeing me. The last half a year of our relationship was spent in daily, deep anxiety about how they'd react to anything I say, to anything I do. I was afraid of them and their judgment. And only now, years later, I realize that I have carried that judgment in myself all this time.

I also carry a lot of guilt from that relationship. It was the very first time I felt truly seen and truly accepted and my actions, or rather, inaction, cost me it. It feels like the relationship redefined who I am and killed the person I used to be. And what it defined me as was a poor partner, an unfitting person, someone who has and will fail others around them. Someone who's identity, needs or feelings don't matter, because... they are childish. Flawed. Bad.

And I only now realize just how deeply all this has scarred me. I to this day blame myself, feel like a devil that is wearing human clothes, because I cannot be good when it matters the most. But I keep coming back to the thought of 'wasn't I wronged, too?' I can't fathom how, but somewhere, I know that a breakup should not do this to a person.

Today, I find myself terrified of being truly seen. I am afraid of people seeing me, this pathetic shell of a person and seeing my scars and pain. And turning away. Even writing this feels like a selfish bit for attention that I don't deserve. Because I've been bad and not worthy of compassion and understanding.

I don't really think I know how to be a person anymore, because most of my life is just made of anxiety these days. Fear that if I say the wrong thing, I'll be ousted. Fear that I am as patchetic and wretched as I feel I am. Fear that I just fundamentally do not belong anywhere and with no one. And I hate this feeling, I hate it so much.

I don't think this is a way to live in any actual productive way. I have a hard time making art as well, because it too is people looking at me.

I suppose my exes would feel like they'd dodged a bullet, if they could read this. To know that I still live with their judgment. That I am pathetic. I haven't really spoken to many people of how afraid I felt every time we spoke after the break up. I didn't know what they wanted of me at that point anymore. I don't really think there would be people even left to listen. And I feel so stupid for being traumatized by it all. I feel so fucking stupid.

I mean, I was the one who fucked up, right? Do I have a right to feel bad, to feel like this?

To this day, I don't think I really know what even happened. All I know is what I did. And I did bad.

I think I needed to finally write this out. There aren't many that will read this, I know, but at least it exists. It is a bit of myself that I haven't shown to anyone in a long time.