god of bisexuality™️

I just want to preface this by saying I do not think I am a lesbian, and the reason for that is because I still feel physical attraction toward males in an objective and distant sense. I am "almost lesbian" in the sense that I am bisexual and have a strong natural inclination towards women. I can think about a penis in my mind and enjoy it, and I can reason myself into accepting a man's body for what it is, and I don't think lesbians can say that. I don't want to imply I struggle like they do or have a right to claim I'm solely same sex attracted. As happy as I would be to be an actual lesbian, I am just bisexual. That said, I feel I am too traumatized to really love a man and I'm very, very attracted to women. So that's what I mean by an "almost lesbian" experience. This isn't that mspec "bisexual lesbian" crap, it's just a comparison.

Anyway, with that all explained I am beginning to come to terms with my almost lesbian-ism and it hasn't been easy. There are two big problems with confronting this. For start, I have a boyfriend. More importantly, a boyfriend that I am nervous to break up with. I don't really want to go into why but it's stressful to say the least. It's honestly why I signed back in on here again tonight. This setup isn't as secure as I would like but I just needed somewhere to talk where he can't see. Anyway I'm having a harder and harder time ignoring that I feel repulsed by sexual and romantic things with him. It was always that way honestly, but before it felt like that repulsion was a positive thing in a weird fucked up traumatized way. It doesn't help that our main bonding experiences have been drug use so I tend to be out of my mind stoned around him.

I don't actually want him, or any man at all in practice, and it's not because of radical feminism or any kind of political decision. That kind of thing hasn't even been on my mind lately, I haven't had the energy for it. It's because of the second big problem. The yearning. The God. Damn. Yearning. I don't think I've had a single dream in the past month that didn't somehow circle back to dating or cuddling or having sex with a woman. It's not even for a particular woman. I don't have any other women in my life right now besides family. Just any woman. It almost feels like an addiction at this point because I just can't get it off my mind. Even just having short casual conversations with women I don't know sends my heart fluttering with daydreams and what-ifs until we inevitably part ways a few minutes later and it all fizzles away back into cold reality. I got so worked up about it I even wrote a love song about a girl who doesn't exist and leaving my boyfriend to go be with her. I don't even write music. I can't sing or play a single instrument. I'm down that bad.

@pumpkin-seasoning

You don't want to be the word police... but you're going to stick it out and power through anyway, am I right?

Ok, sarcasm aside, I'm sure you mean well but this response is tone deaf. This isn't an identity or a label I'm using, it's me trying my best to describe some deeply personal shit I'm dealing with in a way others can come close to understanding. It's a comparison, a simile, the thing where you describe something similar but different so people who want to understand you can get closer to doing so.

And speaking of understanding, I know what a febfem is and you don't need to talk down to me in order to ask me that. That has nothing to do with what I was saying. I said I have a boyfriend, in fact that's part of the whole problem. That's not a febfem by definition and sexual identity isn't even the point anyway. This is a post about how I have to be physically intimate with men when I don't want to and it's killing me inside.

So read the room and maybe don't try to start passive aggressive lesbian discourse with me right now. Goodness knows that's always a productive and level headed topic on radblr. If this nameless "someone" is rubbed the wrong way about it because they want to read it in the least charitable way possible on purpose, imagine how I'm feeling being rubbed the wrong way about it physically on a daily basis just to get by.

Ok just to follow up now I'm less worked up, I want to clarify I don't hate you or think you're my greatest enemy or nothing. But Christ, can a woman just be left alone for five seconds while she's going through some hard times without someone eager to catch her slipping and start some shit? I just want to be heard and have people feel what I'm going through right now. I walk on eggshells enough in my normal life as it is.

@daughter-of-diana

Yes, it is your bad, and no, you don't get it. You are so far from getting it that "it" might as well be on another continent. You're still being passive aggressive. You're still talking about me like I'm an idiot. You can't even pretend to apologize without tossing in some backhanded crap about how it's my fault for not wanting to hear it and you were just trying to help poor little stupid me.

I could do my typical verbose response where I think about it and edit what I'm saying to help get the point across without being hostile. But that would be wasted on you, wouldn't it? It's wasted on most people I talk to honestly. So I'm just going to tell you what I should have told you in the first place. Fuck off. I put up with way too much shit to be soft about blatant disrespect anymore. If you're mad I won't let you talk to me however you want and go along with you trying to start shit on a post about being forced to have sex with a man just to get by, then stay mad and kiss my ass.

I had to put out this morning against my will, and I'll have to do it again tonight too. I do not have the mental fortitude to endure that, and also pick through your bullshit politely with a smile on my face. Maybe I can't talk back to him, but I can and will talk back to anyone else trying to walk all over me. I'm done. Completely and utterly done.