The Gluttony Grotto

Check out how fat I fucking got and get ready to bust a good nut.

Twitter : @godofgluttony

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Traveling can be a concern if you are packing a little extra cushion on your frame. Modern day transportation is not designed with people in mind who can’t see their feet when they look down. I was inspired to write this piece after a recent trip half way across the globe. Nothing makes you aware of your girth than a long haul flight so let’s get stuck into this.

I’ll start with every fatty’s least favorite mode of transport, the airplane. I just completed two ten-hour endurance sessions that made an otherwise great holiday a massive pain in the ass. Firstly, I’m six foot tall and my shoulders are very wide so regardless of the fact that I’m a little pudgy, I wasn’t going to have a comfortable ride. I remember looking around and seeing people curled up in balls, casually napping away the flight and instantly becoming annoyed that I am unable to do the same. I’ll stop with the moaning and try to focus on some ways to make this a less strenuous ordeal. Planes are clearly not designed for people of size and you shouldn’t let that deter you from existing. You should never have to feel embarrassed to ask for you needs to be met as ultimately the airline is providing you service. If you need a seat belt extender, ask for it. You don’t have to make a song and dance about it. I was actually a little disappointed that I am not yet fat enough to need one because I love making a scene when it comes to anything where I can show off how fat I am. The other major seat related problem is over-spill. I do bulge out into the seat next to me but luckily my wife and I got a row of two seats so this wasn’t a problem, although we are both bigger so there wasn’t a lot of room. We got straight on the early check in to look for the best seats on the plane. Make sure that you get up and walk around every so often. I’ll take awkward bumping my belly into the back of someone’s head than seizing up in pain from not moving. A neck pillow is also a key item to take with you. It saved me neck ache and the rest of the plane enduring my walrus like snoring. I try to look my best all the time but sometimes you’ve just got to deal, so make sure you wear nice comfortable loose clothing for the flight. I can only imagine the turmoil of sitting there sweating and not trying to crease your suit for ten hours. If you want to travel everywhere, it’s quite likely that you will have to fly so do your best to make it work for you.

The other main mode of transportation that can be a pain for someone whose carriage is expanding as quickly as the gas prices is the car. I personally find that Toyota suits my needs very well and you just have to shop around to find something that works for you. I made the mistake of being cheap on holiday and rented the smallest cheapest hatchback I could find. I barely fit in it. I was wider than the seat so it dug into my back all the time. My stomach rubbed the steering wheel and I had to do this odd slide to enable access to the vehicle. I forgot that I’ve been living in North America and have grown to fill the space I occupy unlike the crowded and small conditions of the European lifestyle. This also goes for car design.  On the plus side, you get drive thru food to make yourself fatter with more convenience and AC becomes your best aid in the task of sweat management.

I think some of my friends from home hadn’t comprehended my new insulation as they are used to walking everywhere. That combined with a muggy city climate results in a very sweaty Idioteque. Walking can be a nightmare when you’re bigger. My advice is take lots of water breaks and slap on that anti-chaff cream between those thunder thighs. That cream is a godsend and saves you from the dreaded chub rub. One thing I did notice whilst being on the bus and train is that people give you a wide birth. I can only imagine it’s because it’s so unstable that they don’t want to catch a face full of sweaty man flab.

1. How you can hear them all trying not to laugh

2. The shear amount of friends he had to get together to make this