To people in my life...
I think I'm going to challenge you with my actions...
Attempt to do something or say something that will make you judge me...
Something that will make you run away..
I think I will keep testing the waters...
Prodding where there is no need to prod..
Those trust issues deeply embedded within...
They make me act out...
Seeing if you'll choose to not disappoint them...
And each time I'll feel anxious as I expect the worst...
Each time I'll feed that monster that won't let me sleep in peace...
I'll even make myself believe in those things I'll say to you in order to make you judge me or to see if you'll shame me for whatever outrageous thing I say I want, like, or believe in...
I think I'll feel righteous and entitled to be into whatever it is I'm using next to attempt to push you away...
I think I'll exaggerate it's importance as if my life depends on it if I see that you disagree...
I think I'll realise that thing may or may not have been something I really like or believe in at all...
And I deep down am afraid...
and kinda believe that if I keep pushing you'll snap eventually...
Eventually I'll find that thing that will make you back away...
And then there's that hope...
That you won't leave no matter what...
Well guess what....
Then it might be my turn to run...
Because who's going to believe that good things can last?
Not me.
Not now.
Not anymore...
Not yet.
This was much more depressing than what I usually write. I usually choose to motivate myself to get out of the dark hole called trauma, past, ptsd etc...
But I think I really need to face with this ugly truth as directly as possible... to acknowledge the existence of this in depth issue...
How every action and word is nothing much but self sabotage in progress whenever a good person enters my life...
Someone willing to listen, to be there, to understand...
The walls are ever so thick...
And I can speak through them... I can keep telling my story and opening my heart...
In an attempt to be vulnerable...
But... They. Are. There.
It does not change the fact that the very much so above thing is actively happening...
Hey you...(me)
Aren't you tired already...
I'm so tired...
So fucking tired...
Sigh...
This feels unfinished...
I suppose it is...
...













