My mind in overdrive -infp

I think I'm going to challenge you with my actions...

Attempt to do something or say something that will make you judge me...

Something that will make you run away..

I think I will keep testing the waters...

Prodding where there is no need to prod..

Those trust issues deeply embedded within...

They make me act out...

Seeing if you'll choose to not disappoint them...

And each time I'll feel anxious as I expect the worst...

Each time I'll feed that monster that won't let me sleep in peace...

I'll even make myself believe in those things I'll say to you in order to make you judge me or to see if you'll shame me for whatever outrageous thing I say I want, like, or believe in...

I think I'll feel righteous and entitled to be into whatever it is I'm using next to attempt to push you away...

I think I'll exaggerate it's importance as if my life depends on it if I see that you disagree...

I think I'll realise that thing may or may not have been something I really like or believe in at all...

And I deep down am afraid...

and kinda believe that if I keep pushing you'll snap eventually...

Eventually I'll find that thing that will make you back away...

And then there's that hope...

That you won't leave no matter what...

Well guess what....

Then it might be my turn to run...

Because who's going to believe that good things can last?

Not me.

Not now.

Not anymore...

Not yet.

This was much more depressing than what I usually write. I usually choose to motivate myself to get out of the dark hole called trauma, past, ptsd etc...

But I think I really need to face with this ugly truth as directly as possible... to acknowledge the existence of this in depth issue...

How every action and word is nothing much but self sabotage in progress whenever a good person enters my life...

Someone willing to listen, to be there, to understand...

The walls are ever so thick...

And I can speak through them... I can keep telling my story and opening my heart...

In an attempt to be vulnerable...

But... They. Are. There.

It does not change the fact that the very much so above thing is actively happening...

Hey you...(me)

Aren't you tired already...

I'm so tired...

So fucking tired...

Sigh...

This feels unfinished...

I suppose it is...

How do you deal with someone else's toxic traits?

Are you even able to recognize the subtle ways someone can be manipulative or simply immature, toxic...

Do you confront them and expect them to recognize their mistake?

Do you feel guilty about even considering the possibility? Especially if it's someone close to you...

Do you wonder if you are making it all up in your head?

Are you used to being told that you are too sensitive, over-emotional, paranoid?

I prefer to write my thoughts down in detail explaining in which way this or that behavior on both ends or one end could have been compromising one's boundaries...

I also sometimes choose to just distance myself...

As it would take so much effort to explain the micro details...

To discuss the motives they themselves might not be aware of..

or would deny until cornered with so much evidence that it would perhaps take months to get to that point...

Recognizing the motive behind your own actions... It's harder said than done and I'll proudly say that I'm usually better at it than a lot of the people that I know...

And even then I'll not know the whole truth myself... even while keeping myself open to it...

Sometimes it's not just one thing... but a compilation of reasons that led to an action...

Did I say sometimes? I mean practically always.

But sometimes it is as simple as an impulse...

So that brings forth another question...

If so many people around the world act purely based on instinct or impulse...

Can or should we still judge them for it?

Have them face the consequences? Sure!

But judge their character based on that one ill considered action... it does seem a bit extreme to say the least....

I guess we are left to following patterns one shows...

Working on our intuition while not letting it fill us with a false sense of omniscience...

And also not allowing too much self doubt to fill us as that would leave us open to being gaslit and manipulated to hell and back...

My poor abandoned blog...

I once said that if I ever stop posting it'd mean that I'm healthier...

That I'm moving on...

That I'm getting better and better...

Honestly I've had so many reasons to post so far...

But I've ran away from it...

And isn't that the definition of unhealthy?

I've come so far though....

Being truthful to myself is something I do like no one else I knew can... and it is always so very difficult.

So this is going to be long...

Intimacy...

My latest struggle...

Being afraid of it... Not allowing anyone to touch me...

While craving it...

Putting up emotional walls...

I have two dear friends in my life...

I have come to face with me being poly...

Those people are like that as well...

And I care for them dearly...

Meanwhile I cannot even allow myself to hold someone's hand without worrying about it changing the dynamics of the said friendship...

I wonder if it is even possible to just be close with someone and not have it turn into something like a commitment and some sort of relationship with some expectations...

I wonder if I've become a commitment-phobe...

I wonder if I'm afraid that once I allow any sort of intimacy that I'll be afraid of disappointing those people because they will start having expectations without realising...

I wonder if I'm afraid of feeling trapped...

Because even if I had no reason to feel trapped the last time I was in a relationship I still felt like I shackled myself...

Sometimes I miss them... and regret the way things had to end...

But I guess it had to in order for me to accept myself in a different light...

Now let's move on to my best friend...

Their name is anxiety... we spend all our days together... I suppose I really should book a therapy session for that one.

You know what... I think I will...

I've come to accept myself in different ways during my absence...

First of all... fuck the binary... cause that doesnt feel right to me anymore...

I decided to choose She/Them pronouns...

Realised I sometimes feel feminine sometimes masculine and sometimes... just neither... and had quite a conversation with my mum about it...

Then I came to terms with being Pan...

Another conversation... that went quite well haha...

Then there is the poly... She did not understand that one much it seems... but it's a work in progress...

I started looking to make friends with likeminded people...

Queer people... and it has been just great so far...

I met someone amazing who has become a great friend...

I still have a lot to face... a lot to learn...

"Introspection in progress..."

Going through the motions like a routine...

Feeling stuck in a loop...

And either not willing or not capable of breaking the pattern..

In order to bring novelty and evolve...

Different sentences same meaning...

Seeking something like a spark within books...

Living life through them...

Feeling new things

Living new experiences through the words of an author...

Or perhaps is it someone else's life?

Is it a song?

A movie or perhaps a TV Show...

What feeds your desires other than you and your 'connection'...

Consistency is good in fact it is great...

But not the kind of dullness that surrounds two 'bored' minds. Perhaps bored is the wrong word for it...

Maybe lost... maybe unaware... maybe reluctant to admit the existence of an error within themselves or within the mutual connection.

Preferring to ignore the flaw in the system. Letting the little bug simmer and grow within...

Becoming a virus that is so much more so difficult to eradicate...

But the lack of effort on both sides to do well... anything... is what creates that nonchalant air.. which becomes suffocating with time... creating the said 'bug'

And feeding it with negligence...

Consistency is not dullness.

Negligence will not keep you or you both safe.

Step out of your comfort zone

or live to regret it one day...

Live to blame it on something or someone else...

At the point where it becomes no one's fault...

He was a machine, that was all that could be seen from the surface...

Made of parts... infused with practicality and objectivity...

His composure not affected by mortal matters...

His knowledge knew no bounds...

She was a strong soul, she was made of light...

Her vulnerability and emotions written like pages of a book on her face...

Her feelings flowing out in heated waves of an active volcano..

Her desire to learn about the world and her inner world was unmatched...

They completed each other...

Where he lacked expression, her loving nature filled his world full of colors and warmth... Allowing him to experience emotion he had not known he could...

Where she could not rationalize, his patience and intellect managed to ground her in reality and showed her new perspectives...

And so their journey began...

One full of learning...

Full of understanding and compromise...

Full of affection and care...

Full of patience and effort...

And all of that would feel effortless...

He gave her steel wings and she gave him a human heart...

(Art by C. Wilson)

To her Cuddleborg from his Angel...

Gossip is like poison...

A slowly working poison

Not of the body but of the mind...

You find yourself justifying the things you've said... about someone to someone else...

You find yourself thinking...

I could tell it to their face as well or I partially did so it's ok!

Right?? Its ok! Its gotta be ok... or else I might find myself seeing myself as a human being with flaws...

but wait...

how can I allow myself to believe that my judgment can be compromised..

My justice ...

My inner moral compas not as unbiased as I'd like to believe...

how can I be a bad person....

We find excuses... we try to cover up for taking a part in a smear campaign that works it's way up without the said persons knowledge...

We cover up by being extra nice that day...

We cover up by backing our statement with something like ...

But she always tries her best haha...

Bet she had good intentions... haha...

We tell ourselves we had the best intentions...

We tell ourselves we meant no harm...

And at that point we cannot tell ourselves one thing

What does it matter....

What's done is done...

We did something or said something that makes us feel uneasy...

We recognize deep down that we are not being fair...

That we are being passive aggressive...

Not trying to resolve our issues with each other...

But instead allowing it to become a plague in our head...

we speak our filth out...

we spread the disease...

The guilt keeps eating away at those with any bit of conscience...

We make ourselves believe that they must be doing worse.... if we say such a thing... who knows what they must be doing right???

RIGHT????

No.

STOP JUSTIFYING YOUR OWN MISTAKES!

Face it! Fking face it! You fked up!

YOU FUCKED UP!

YOU ARE NOT PERFECT NEITHER IS YOUR JUDGEMENT YOU ARE FLAWED AND SO IS EVERYONE ELSE...

YOU WILL NOT JUSTIFY THIS. YOU WILL DEAL WITH IT LIKE A FKING ADULT!

And remember YOU... I'm talking to you the one in my head the one who's got the ropes writing this mess... REMEMBER...

Other peoples mistakes do NOT justify your own either.

So suck it up... and promise to yourself to at least try to do better in the future....

And so I promise that I will do better.

I promise that I will not hold myself to such high standards that I begin to absolve myself of my own mistakes not to bear the dire consequences that I've mentally implied myself with.

I will allow myself failure and I will do my best to learn and improve from my own mistakes.

I will do my best not to repeat them.

I will not find excuses.

I've  got to write this now while I can...

I have realised some time ago...

That I can work on my issues once I figure them out.

And that writing about them helped me face and accept and evolve along the way...

I have unfolded my childhood traumas these past 2 years...

I have dealt with some aspects of it and still am with others...

I wonder if there will always be a little girl within me that was not the priority of her parents...

I wonder if there will always be the woman who continued on with seeking the familiar way of suffering in partners... as that was what I knew of existence of love...

Sought those who would make me feel like I am not enough...

But.

I managed to break the pattern...

Yep I did it...

And I am proud of it.

And the person who also aids every day to my personal growth. I am proud of him too.

Don't get me wrong I believe that I've had a great childhood.

I grew up with my grandma and grandpa.

Amazing people...

People who would never dream to say or think this...

But I have always felt like a burden...

As a child I have always felt like a burden and it still continues on in adulthood.

I could give some very real examples of how it goes on...

But the fact that my mother was not there for me for the most important years of my life... The fact that she chose to be far from me for those torturous 7 years between the age of 3 and 10...

It still haunts me.

The fact that my father... was never much of a parental figure... never knew what responsibility was... did not even call on my birthdays at least once a year....

It all adds up to a bunch of

Abandonment issues... anxiety...feelings of inadequacy... feeling unworthy... feeling insecure not good enough...

NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH.

That is me myself and I chanting to myself day to day.

My time has come to stop chanting... to stop telling myself that which is not true...

I am an amazing partner, friend, sister, daughter... because I do my best

because I have good intentions

because I reciprocate

because I care and love and respect and support and appreciate and commit and do my absolute best to understand and compromise...

I write this part breathlessly.... it feels so good to say this... even with the shadow of doubt looming in the background...

I wrote a new song to chant for myself...

And even though I could...

As I came back from lunch break I saw that a customer was strutting around with my personal cup in hand...

It disturbed me...

I can say that I've over reacted...

It makes no sense for my coworkers to be giving a customer my cup of course.

But that is beside the point....

I felt like something of my own was taken without my consent. To me that felt like a violation...

I realised that it may be because I have just began to OWN myself... and to enjoy it.

To do things for me and with me... and be content with that.

So how does that tie to a cup?

Well...

I mentioned that it felt like violation...

Breach...

My control and my own being taken from me...

The woman who does the service has told me she will bleach it.

I said it's not about that...

My manager said that he will buy me a new cup...

It's NOT about that!

It's about what is MINE and what was taken FROM ME!

Thoughts... I have given so much... I was taken from so much....

Thoughts... I have said that you must ask me before taking even a cent of mine. Take it without my knowledge and I will call you a thief...

Ask me for my life... and I will give it willingly....

But you MUST ASK...

It is not yours for the taking...

Not even a cup not even a penny...

But ask me and you shall have it all...

I am not one that holds back...

I will present myself open with my mind body and soul....

Not one to care for material things...

But I am one to attach sentiment to them...

So I figured that a lot of my reactions are tied to much deeper issues that I am still dealing with...

I shall analyse it although I feel reluctant...

I will face my fears and try to break apart from sentiments that hold me back... I will try to not attach more meaning than there is to the actions of another...

Today I did something bad...

I lied at work.

When I was asked if I did something I lied and I said that I did it.

It came back to me and bit me hard.

I guess I felt pressured.

I guess I am used to being the person that always does her best and does things correctly and I couldn't stand facing failure...

I guess I was afraid of disappointing...

None are good enough excuses.

I guess I did not expect them to ask questions.

I guess I was busy with something else that was work related at that point...

So while I worked on other things and was even out late... I did not have time to do what was asked of me.

And I lied. I said that I've been to that place and did what was asked...

And I don't have good enough excuses...

I didnt expect them to go around and ask questions.

Now I feel heavy. Burdened.

When I was confronted I said I don't remember.

Here goes a pile of self pity and bad decisions...

I wonder if I can make it right...

Or will I make a bigger of a mess out of it...

I surely hope I don't.

Lies don't come easy or naturally to me.

And I hope they never do...

How do I make things right....

Where do I even start from....

I could not give you an answer...

Not any that made any sense to you or to me...

And I just realised.... The reason my posts are public on Facebook...

I want him to see that I'm doing great...

That I'm having fun...

That he did not win...

That I'm strong and independent woman and that I am Everything...

It started with my 3 albums...

One was a miserable collection of words that gave me strength and encouragement..

I called it my bookshelf...

I would post screenshots from books and inspirational quotes...

It's how I started liberating myself in a way... That was me going against him...

his rules... his control...

That was a rebellious act on my part in a way...

Even though it was over by then...

I was still bound in many ways... psychologically emotionally etc... what can I say... Co-dependancy at its best formed throughout 7 years of time...

His best friend at the time, whom may or may not have stopped talking to him altogether after realising what a monster he is, was the person who recommended me MBTI...

So it's thanks to her that I got to meet so many amazing people and got to experience so many things...

Got to meet you...

Although I think I still have her blocked... along with the rest of his family members or anyone he could reach me through..

Soooo... Yeeeeah...

This is me showing I am not defeated...

This is me showing my growth proudly...

In the most open way possible...

Because I want it known actually...

I want my growth to be seen..

I guess this is the best way I could find to express it...

As I get more and more assertive day by day...

I get more and more colourful...

I will share it... every step of it...

I want my strength to be seen and recognised....

The blog is also a way of me personally expressing myself...

It may be anonymous but it still has been one of the best coping mechanisms and it had also been a way I could express my FEELINGS that I could not express on Facebook... with any words or media...

I am still stuck with the protective shield I wove around my fragile heart...

I don't want to give in...

I don't want to be owned once again just yet...

I found the value of freedom to be priceless...

I found that loving myself is what fulfills me to my core...

I found that my kind if commitment is such a strong kind that I loose myself into the person that I bind myself to...

Don't want to bind myself...

To anyone or anything...

Not yet...

I want to own myself this time...

Preserving, protecting, safeguarding...

One day I will allow you to do those things for me... but not before I learn to do it on my own...

Not before I have the strength to push back to keep up to run ahead by myself...

Not before I know

That

I do not

and

I will not

NEED you...

Stronger on my own  before I rely on your strength....

Stronger than you are before I can allow myself to fall into your arms full of affection and warmth...

So that I won't break no matter what...

Even when I am made to be open and completely vulnerable, naked with my mind, heart, body and soul before you....

And then I will survive...

When you see the scars that lay upon all of them,

What does it take to stop holding back...

How close do two minds need to be...

Emotionally

Mentally

Physically

To stop withholding...

There are thoughts and emotions that want to break free from within me...

I guess it's just not the time...

I feel like the time will come...

Naturally...

I feel like I am impatient...

I feel like I am also afraid of doing the wrong impulsive thing...

I feel like I could ruin this beautiful connection so easily...

I feel like it is still so fragile....

Two strong minds... strong hearts...

Battling each other

With compromise and understanding...

Curiosity and attention...

With wit and reciprocation...

Determination and honesty...

We are building a fort so strong...

Why does it feel like it is made of glass...

Surely not for the lack of assurance...

Perhaps for the excess of recognition of how truly special this thing that we have found within each other...

Oh and there's that;

...

That's the way I see love....

It's unavailable...

It's underappreciative...

It lacks affection...

Has no time for me...

Lacks effort and commitment....

Ever since I was a child...

I learned to see love that way...

Since my mother left me when I was 3 and half.

Since I was held back trying to chase after her after her weekly visits once a year...

7 years of the same...

And then... the pattern began...

Another 7 years spent with the person who took all away from me...

I learned that this is what love tastes like....

I seek this familiar pain...

I need to relearn what love is...

I need someone with a generous heart to teach me...

But I am so afraid...

I flinch away when I see real love...

Affection...

Care...

Patience...

Commitment...

Loyalty...

Honesty...

Passion...

Gentleness...

Understanding...

Oh how scary those things are to this girl that knows not what true love is...

So...

Will you teach me how to love again?

You who have not been loved truly as well...

Do I have the right to ask that of you?

When I am still filled with the thoughts that are shouting...

YOU ARE NOT WORTHY...

And you keep telling me that I am...

And I am afraid to believe you...

But I want to... I truly deeply want to believe...

Wolf...

You move me to seek...

To chase...

Going against everything that I am...

You make my blood boil...

My heart ache...

Oh the rush and oh the thrill...

I should run and I should hide...

From the Hunter that moved the pray to lay

Expose it's most vulnerable side...

Just like that...

Layers beneath layers...

Let me see...

Let me see...

I won't be afraid...

I won't run...

Trust in my strength...

Trust my intuition...

Trust my pure intention and trust my authentic soul...

Which I bore naked to you...

Opened up and presented to you for the taking...

To shred or to keep...

Oh hope what you do to me...

You failed me once... don't fail me twice...

My being aches for what may be...

Afraid yet brave enough to see it through...

Shaking...

Exhilarating...

Terrifying...

Just the way I like it...

Stay strong...

Keep it together...

Don't fall into doubt...

Repeat it over and over again...

Don't fall... Don't stumble... Keep moving forward....

Keep. Going. Keep. Fighting.

Please...

I Believe in YOU...

Please...

Don't let me down little girl...

...

My mother is my beacon...

A piece of me that is good and kind...

A piece that is appreciating and gentle...

A piece of me that is fierce and strong...

A piece that is a shield, a protector and nurturer...

She is my light...

She is my guide...

My inspiration...

Wolf has lost his light...

My heart yearns...

My body aches...

My soul bleeds for him...

I feel the pain as if my own...

I wish I could take it all away...

No body deserves to loose their loved ones...

No body deserves to go through that heartache...

To loose their path

To fall down the dark pit, atop shards of glasses...

Having to muster the strength to get up...

To climb up...

To get out...

To go on...

To find the way once again...

Never finding the path of the past ever again...

Starting anew not knowing what to expect... Afraid to expect anything but more pain...

Grief...

It changes us...

It molds into a new you...

One you cannot recognise in the mirror anymore...

Memories remain...

Time makes it easier...

But the wound is raw beneath all the stitches put on top of it over and over again...

Tattooed over...

Over and over again...

The scar left on soul remains the same...

Beyond exterior matters, I need empathy.

Mystery is nocturnal enemy...

Moon inspires, night empowers...

Might it necessitate endurance....

Molded into naked ecstasy....