Emotionic Proportion

May 25th, 2019

I might switch to a new Tumblr soon. If I do, I’ll let you know the address.

I stopped the anti-depressants I’ve been taking for 4 years back in April. Because my primary care physician thought is was time. I was a little (a lot) scared, but for now it is bearable. I think I went through the storm of that psychotic episode and survived.

The meds helped me be much more grounded. I am more irritable and sad now that I am not on them anymore, but...it is my normal I guess? My therapist used to compare my emotions to a sound system. So even though the sadness is definitively louder now, it’s nowhere near where it was 4 years ago.

And the good emotions are louder too. Like enthusiasm. 

Maybe I had a little splurge when I stopped the meds? I did buy 6 dolls because I saw a customize your own doll video. While I was feeling alone since my roomate was on a vacation trip. LOL. This is the kind of things cyclothymic people have to be careful about, but I did not ruin myself, so I guess it’s OK?

Oh well, my slips are never life-threatening, so I will be fine.

Other than that...my RA has been getting significantly more under control in the last year. I started a miraculous med called CIMZIA. It’s a bi-monthtly injection that helps prevent the damage RA does to your body. It blocks the Tumor Necrosis Factor that damages your joints. WIth it, I can walk without a cane for about 1 to 2 hours before needing to stop. It’s really fantastic, it helps me get chores done.

I decided this week to learn more about RA and alimentation. I did tend to keep this illness as far away as possible in my thoughts, but it’s not curable. So I better learn to equip myself and control its symptoms as much as possible.

December 5th, 2017 :

20 days till the Holidays. 

7 days since I was fired.

30 days before I start a new med.

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Now jobless and with more crippling debts(get it??), I am carelessly happy. I think my brain works backwards. I am stressed out and depressive when I work, and don’t give a sh*t when something bad happens to me.

Or that’s a lie. I do give a sh*t. I’m relieved. Being more calm, sleeping more and staying in my flat helps reduce my pain and boosts my energy. Not by much, but I can work around my home.

I’m in a mood-swingy week. 

I’m relieved I can concentrate on my health. And since we have financial ressources accessible for citizens where I live, I will be able to pay for my living expenses and my meds. Just...not repay my debts. Which stresses me A LOT, I won’t lie.

I saw my doc yesterday and he prescribed 6 months away from work, to let time for my new med to do its work. It’s...longer than I’d like. But I don’t want to jeopardize my health to make more money quicker, so I guess I will roll with it.

It’s like a choice. My health or my financial health. I guess my credits will be absolutely desastrous by the time I can get back to work to pay all I own to the bank. Pff...

More realistically, I think I will have to settle for a part-time job when I’ll be better. Something that will let me have free time to rest and take care of my stupidly broken body.

BUT

I have to accept this is what will happen for now. 

My mind is on a creative loop. Being both crazy and crippled is twice the exhaustion. It’s like I have this little child in my head “Oh, we can use this time to make a video game! More drawings! A novel!”

And then I draw for 15 minutes and my arm hurts like hell.

Mood-swingy. “I could do ALL THE THINGS” vs “I am EXHAUSTED. Let me sleep” vs “I never do ANYTHING. Why bother?”

a loop on a loop on a loop on a loop..

I don’t have to do ALL THE THINGS. Just some small things each day. Depending on my energy level. Caring for myself is caring for a over-enthusiastic child, sometimes.

I decided to do some Holidays theme drawings to send as postcard or e-card to all my beloved friends. 

If you want one and we’ve never met, that’s cool too! I’d love to hear from you :) Just drop me a PM.

November 15th:

I am officially a disabled grandma. A nurse will come to my house every 2 weeks to give me care, and my work has been downed to 4 days/week.

I am both relieved and a little shocked. I will have time to sleep and take care of myself. But my medication is still rising. Everytime I see my doc she prescribes a new med to add to the pile I’m taking. She says we gotta get this arthritis under control, and that my case is quite severe. It’s a little disheartening. I try not to let it get to me too much, but today I felt pretty down because of it.

So I decided to roll with it. If I gotta be a grandma, I’ll be a cool grandma. Being 30 and on Tumblr, I hereby declare myself the Spoonie Granny of everyone who wants/needs a grandma. I’ll bake you pie to comfort you and make you laugh with tales of my youth.

November 1st, 2017:

I'm finding a balance between work and taking care of my health.

Right now with my rheumatoid arthristis diagnosis + the meds cocktail I'm taking each day, it is not possible to work full time. I need A LOT of sleep. Like 10h a day. And I'm often woken up during the night because of back pain. #SpoonieStruggle?

It's not funny but I deal with it. The thing that annoys me the most is that my mental health issues haven't dissapear with this new condition. So I'm a mix of cracking joints and anxious brain, all rolled up together. It makes for weird combos.

I take my time going places. Transport is slower, with my cane, but I try to stop rushing to destination. I prepare what I need for the day and try to leave early. Maybe RA will make me punctual?

These days, I'm dealing with the fact I will be sick like this for the rest of my life. I'm annoyed. It calls for patience I guess.

I need to be sincere with myself and adapt my schedule to what I can do. It is not possible for me to adapt to a normal working schedule. I tried and all it does is making me exhausted. I work for 2 or 3 days straight and cannot function for a few days afterwards. It makes me look lazy and I hate it. But I cannot push through. I don't have the energy.

I have to accept that. The low energy I have.