You Are Not Immune To Spoilers

he fixed a bunch of potholes recently and all my gay neighbors won't stop posting shit like this

You forgot the other two.

I sit alone in an unfurnished room for several hours, locked in meditation. After several days of silence, my eyes snap open.

one of the funniest conversations I ever had with my ex was when they were still getting used to Celsius and asked me "what's 20 degrees?" and instead of converting it, I said "it's the highest your dad will ever let you set the thermostat and when you say you're cold he tells you to put on another sweater, we're not made of money" and they went "oh, 68"

Was driving with my grandmother and in broken English she says “no eyes… no nose… no face. Don’t trust.” To which I looked around wildly in search of this omen of ill portend.