Corner of Grey Street and the End of the World

Every time I open my mail, my heart feels like it’s being squeezed.  No email from you.  No word from you.  Nothing for two months.  I allowed you to enter my life for over a year, taking over my heart, my body, my soul.  I gave that to you and you threw it back in my face like I was nothing.  

I guess I somewhat know what your son felt like as you stabbed him with a knife over and over again.  He trusted you.  Loved you unconditionally and wanted nothing but the best for you.  You took that away in one horrible moment.  I think that’s what you do with people that love you.  You slowly kill them.  You slowly let them die.  And that’s probably what you did to your ex wife.  She wasn’t a whore like you said.  She’s wasn’t some horrible mother.  She just got tired of your shit.  And you could have easily killed her instead.  But isn’t that what you wanted?  You wanted her to hurt.  So you did what you did as revenge.  You took what was hers and killed it.  You’re sick.  You know your sick.   

And in that moment you won.  You were superior.  You had control.  And that’s what this is about isn’t it?  Control.  

You’re a psychopath.  You manipulate.  You enjoy watching someone else in pain.  And what makes me sick to my stomach is that I loved you anyway. 

What in the hell does that make me?  

Now I have to go on with my life as if you didn’t exist.  And that hurts.  Because somehow or another...I loved you.  I still do.  I hate myself because of that.  

I’ve crawled into bed with a monster and I’m here to tell about it.  You could have done so much worse with me.  I was planning my life around you.  I was going to move closer to you and live out the rest of my days waiting for you to be released.  For what?  So you could slowly torture me, too?  Because that would have happened.  You are not a man.  You cannot handle life.  You belong behind bars.  You need to be caged and kept away from society.  Because on the outside you would run havoc with anyone you encountered.  

So much has happened in the last few months.  Covid 19 took over, I’m no longer with my prison man, I dropped Keto like a bad habit and now I’m a full fledged WW girl.  

Covid 19 affected my last job.  Everyone got laid off and it was no fun.  I finally found a job with a great company that is super well-known and pays quite well. As of right now, my job situation is stable and I can work from home.  It’s not a bad gig.  Last year at this time I was struggling hard.  Now, not so much.

I’m not entirely sure what happened on the boyfriend front.  I think the combination of him being institutionalized and of course Covid 19 keeping them on lock down all day and night made things ridiculously hard.  I could handle not seeing him often, but life behind bars really affected him as a human.  He’s calloused and pretty gritty.  I’m not used to that. At one point in this life, he actually killed someone...his son, which is why he’s there in the first place. This has to change you.  For the worst.  It’s not going to get better.  Those demons that held onto him back then that allowed this to happen are still simmering somewhere below the surface.  It didn’t all come out at once...it was a slow process.  But it was there.  Slowly, after a year and a half, his true colors came through. 

I gave...a lot.  Emotionally and monetarily.  I really had it in my head that the more I did for him, the closer he would be to me.  That didn’t happen.  In fact, it was quite the opposite.  The more I did, the more comfortable he became.  And the more comfortable he became, the awfulness started to show.  I felt sorry for him for so long.  I can’t even begin to understand what he feels like.  I can’t even begin to understand the psychological effect that an act like killing your child would cause. 

I quickly learned I was playing with fire.  

And I pushed back.  I took a lot from him.  But one day I decided I would stop doing that.  I started asking questions, wanting to know more....he dropped me so fast.  I crossed a line.  I entered his world.  And it was dark, and creepy and extremely hot to the touch. I even befriended his family.  I think that was another line I crossed.  They knew too much about him.  And he didn’t want them to tell me the real story.

So, things have been a little crazy on the boyfriend front.  I came across a ton of information about his case online and decided to read through it.  I probably should not have done that.  There were several articles that involved his ex and all the things she said about S around that time.  They were horrible, horrible things and as much as I didn’t want to read them, I continued. He’s never lied to me about anything, he’s been completely upfront about why he’s in prison from the get-go.  I dunno, I suppose the little details of his past just slapped me in the face, though.  I immediately wrote to him asking for more information.  Like, why he left these details out when telling me things.  I probably should not have done that.  

This happened 14 years ago.  I just dragged the past up and threw it into his face without even thinking twice about it.  I’m supposed to be someone that he can come to about anything and here I am acting the complete opposite.

I feel horrible.  

When he called me, it was the first time I’ve heard him actually sound panicked.  He was just verbally throwing up everything that had happened so long ago in an effort to give his side.  I never should have made him feel like that.  Never.  I feel so guilty.  

He’s paying for those mistakes.  Every day he’s making progress and doing so well.  He’s got a heart of gold and completely gives of himself every chance he gets.  The fact that I just took all that trust he had in me and threw it in his face freaks me out.  Man, I can be so stupid sometimes.  

Haven’t started work for the insurance company yet.  I think I’ve jumped through every hoop they’ve asked me to, though.  I have one last thing I need to accomplish before my training starts, which is a marketplace exam and then I’ll be done.  I’ve been putting it off for three days now.  

Today is a milestone anniversary for S and me.  I sent him a letter this morning telling him how much I’ve improved since knowing him.  It sounds weird, but I have.  Unfortunately, I didn’t receive a letter from him.  Sometimes that happens and I have to learn to be patient.  The prison mailing system sucks ass.  

I’m thinking about crocheting a blanket.  I want neutral colors, like oatmeal, gray and maybe a dark teal.  Haven’t really put too much thought into it.  I want to make it for S, but I can’t send it to him.  I was thinking of making it, wrapping it up and then giving it to him when he’s released.  Does that sound like a dumb idea?  I’m still on the fence about it.  

I made the best butter chicken last night.  I had ten chicken thighs and was sort of at a loss at what I could do with them.  So, I made butter chicken and they turned out amazing.  I now have a ton of chicken left-over, though.  

Still doing Keto.  My daughter had a birthday a few days ago and I splurged on a piece of cake.  After everyone had a piece, I threw the rest away.  Cake is my weakness and I can’t have it anywhere around me.  I’m surprised I stopped at one piece.

So, I’m thinking about buying a corset.  I’ve wanted one forever, but I’m getting a little more serious about it lately.  I’ve been doing research and joining FB groups to find the best one for my body type.  This should be interesting.  

Well, I passed my test.  I’m officially a licensed insurance producer for my state and Florida, as well.  

I had my doubts going in today that I’d pass this thing, but I kept my cool and pushed forward.  The questions were not awful and most of them were fairly easy.  I can say that studying for ten days straight kind of makes you memorize everything as a whole.  So, I went in there completely prepared.  

Weird how I still doubted myself, though.  I seriously didn’t think I’d pass.  I was having an Eeyore moment, I think.  Self-doubt sucks ass.  Sometimes I feel like I just don’t deserve the good things in life.  As if I’m almost sabotaging myself. I certainly don’t want to do that...but on another level, maybe I do.  Strange.  

S called me today before the test and told me to think like I”m going to pass it.  “Push all doubt out of your mind and stay focused,” he said. I tried to listen.  I wanted to listen.  But as I sat in that waiting room, every self-doubt I had came to the surface.  S called me an hour after passing.  I answered the phone and he said, “So, are you marvelous?”  And I had to say, “yes...I am.”  He also said he was proud of me.  That was something I seriously needed to hear.  

Tomorrow is the big day.  I find out if I will be able to sell insurance in this state.  I’m a little more than nervous.  I’m not entirely sure how many questions are on the test or how long they give you, but I’ve been doing pretests that consisted of 240 questions each.  I hope this state exam is a lot lower.  

I’m not going to cram tonight.  I’m not going to read over anything.  I’m just going to do girly stuff like paint my nails and maybe a do a facial.  I just took a long shower to help me unwind.  I didn’t think I’d be this nervous. 

I hope I don’t fail.  

So much rides on this test.  So much rides on this new job. 

The past few weeks have been sort of hectic.  I found a really cool job with an insurance company, but I need my state license to make it official.  So, I’ve been studying.  A lot.  I haven’t had the pleasure of studying since college 20 years ago, so believe me when I say that I’m struggling.  I did happen to find an online insurance dictionary and that just blew me away.  It’s the little things, right?  Between that and Quizlet, I’ve been learning at a steady pace.  I’m on my last three chapters and after that, I can start practicing with the pretests.  My actual test is on Sept 8th.  I’m beyond scared.  I have one week to crame all this knowledge into my brain.  

A couple weeks ago I went to Atlantic City and saw Godsmack.  It was so much fun.  My daughter and I gambled and had a few drinks.  I sang, danced, head-banged and screamed my little heart out.  The following morning I was feeling it, though.  Regardless, I had a blast and would do it all over again if I could. 

I’m still doing Keto except for the past couple days I’ve been cheating.  I reached a stall that has been with me for about 6 weeks now.  From what I hear, a cheat day sometimes resets things.  I’ve kinda taken it a little farther than one day, though.  I have to stop.  I haven’t been eating sugar, but I have had potatoes and bread.  And honestly, I feel like shit.  I can’t wait to go back on it tomorrow.  

Mentally I’m coping.  I think I might need a change in meds, but I see my doctor on the 30th, so that’s something we can discuss then.  

It’s been a while since I’ve updated.  So much has happened.  I’ve been really stressed with work and looking for something else.  I put in like 20 applications the other day, sent in resumes and cover letters.  Four companies got back to me.  Right now, I’m completely interested in two.  One I had to do a video interview with, which was traumatizing.  The other, I have a phone interview on the 18th.  Either one of those jobs would be super nice.  I just picked up a second job working for the Public Broadcasting System.  It will pay the bills, but it’s not something I want long term.  As of now, I’m struggling financially and it sucks.  

Being in love with someone in prison is a whole new concept for me.  I’ve had to learn lingo and new ways of thinking.  You definitely cannot be impatient, that’s for sure.  Everything is on their schedule, so you’re just basically following along.  It’s hard.  I love him so much, though.  It’s going to be a long haul.  I haven’t told people in my life just yet.  I don’t want to be judged and I most certainly don’t want HIM to be judged.  He’s doing his time, no need for additional bullshit.  I don’t make excuses for him.  I don’t take what he did lightly, either.  I’ve come to terms with everything and still accept him as a worthy human being.  He means so much to me and always will.  

The plan is to get out from all the shit I’m under at the moment and relocate closer to him.  I can move anywhere with my job, so that really isn’t an issue.  What is the issue, is living here is expensive.  I’m spending nearly 3/4 of my income on rent and utilities.  It sucks.  This state sucks. I was looking up rent prices in his state and they’re half of what they are here.  HALF!  I could be doing really well if I just moved.  So, that’s the plan.  I’m giving myself a year to get everything together.  

It’s been a while since I’ve updated.  So much has happened within the last few weeks.  I don’t even know where to begin.  

I went back to Keto a couple months ago.  My body responds to this new eating plan so well.  I’ve already dropped more than 30 lbs, so far.  Not only am I losing weight, I feel so much better.  No tummy issues and I’ve found my headaches are less frequent.  I could do this forever.  

Joined a gym the other day.  This is more challenging for me than the new way of eating.  I’m motivated, but it’s trying to find the time to go that I’m struggling with most.  I created a huge workout playlist to listen to, it’s awesome. The gym has Netflix, Hulu, and Spotify.  It’s actually really cool.  An hour goes by and I don’t even realize it.  I’m mainly doing the treadmill and leg press.  I might venture out to other machines when I am more comfortable. I figure as long as I’m getting cardio in, I’m fine.  Weights can wait. 

I met someone.  I’m feeling all the new and exciting things you feel when you first fall for someone hardcore.  I haven’t felt this way in years.  There are issues involved.  He’s incarcerated and two states away.  I can’t really tell people in my life about the situation.  All I can do is just enjoy what I have at the moment.  I”m making plans to see him in October. I cannot wait.  It’s weird because there isn’t anything in my life I’ve held back from him.  I feel comfortable telling him anything I choose and he does the same.  We talk daily, we write to each other daily. I’m just counting down my days.  Because honestly, we’re making some pretty big decisions.  It’s all happening so fast, but I love it.  

I’ve been fighting a chest cold for the better part of a week now.  It’s starting to get old and I’m reminiscing about a time when I could breathe easily.  Hot tea with lemon has been my best friend.  I must go through six/seven tea bags a day.  

My daughter is moving back home with me.  Things are not working out for her in Montana. I’m happy to have her back home, but at the same time, I’m wondering how much I’m really actually helping her. She’s 24.  I’m quite sure living with her mom isn’t something she has dreamt about.  She can stay as long as she needs, I’ll always be there for her. I’m hoping that this will give her the helping hand she needs to venture out on her own once again.  She wants to start school, which is something she’s put off for far too long.  Hopefully, that will be in the near future.  Good news is that her job is transferring her here, so it’s not like she’ll be unemployed. I miss her.  However, I’d rather have seen things work out for her in Montana.

I’m hanging in there.  Working and sleeping most of the week.  I have two more days to go and I’ll have a day off.  Finally.  I see tequila in my future weekend.  

My latest thing to relax is weird.  It’s slots.  I play at night in bed on my phone.  It makes me tired and voids my mind so I can sleep. I can’t believe I went from playing hardcore MMO’s to slots.  I’m getting old.  I’m slowing down.  Small things make me happy now.  

I’m starting to become one with my 17-year-old cat.  He sleeps a lot.  Doesn’t play much anymore.  He falls asleep sitting up.  He must ache when he jumps from the floor to the couch.  I understand his pain.  He understands mine.  We get each other. 

I’ve started drinking herbal tea without sweetener.  I don’t know why, but I love the taste of just hot tea.  A little lemon and I’m good.  See.  I’m getting old. 

I want to buy a puzzle.  Not sure why, but I’ve been looking at them online.  You can find a puzzle of almost anything now.  So cool.  I want something that gives me a challenge and that I can later frame when I’m done.  The harder the better, right?  

Time for slots and sleep.  

Kitbull | Pixar SparkShorts

It was THE very most perfect day weather-wise.  Going over the Seaside bridge, I had every single window down and just took in the breeze.  It was awesome.  I seriously cannot wait until summer.  It’s been so cold here lately.  Today was a nice surprise.  

Headed out to have a couple drinks.  Got there and realized I haven’t had a margarita since last summer.  So I got two.  They were so good.  Sometimes you just have to treat yourself. 

Did a lot of driving today.  I just couldn’t bring myself to go home.  haha  In a few months I’ll be down at the shore enjoying the weather in a proper way.  I simply cannot wait.  Funny, if I didn’t live near the water, I’m not so sure I could be content.  It’s always been a source of happiness for me.  When I visited Colorado, I loved it...but there is no ocean.  I couldn’t do it.  Places like that are nice to visit, but my home near the water is the place to be.

Started out the day picking up groceries.  Then work.  After that, I had a two-hour call with my daughter.  I miss our chats.  I especially miss going out for coffee with her.  It’s one of those things I just cannot replace with friends.  

Spent most of my day taking calls.  Had a couple meetings here and there.  After all of that, I had an hour-long class where we went over procedures.  I’m starting to really like this job.  It’s not too stressful and at the same time, it still keeps me on my toes.  I think I needed that.  After working at a place where 90% of my phone calls were angry customers, it’s nice to smile while talking with people again.  It seriously makes all the difference in the world.  

Next week I’m out of training all together.  Basically, that means they will not be monitoring my every move.  Well, at least I hope they won’t be.  When they’re “listening in and watching” they take over my screen.  I notice the difference immediately in the performance of my computer.  Things are laggy and definitely slower than usual and typing becomes a chore  I’m not too fond of that.  It makes helping the customer a lot harder than what it should be.  Also, I’m not too fond of having someone monitor me.  But, it is what it is.   

I made more reservations this week than my classmates, which allowed me to receive an extra 15-minute break.  haha   I think next week, my commission kicks in, but the extra surprise break this week was nice I suppose.  I’ll use it tomorrow in the afternoon when I need that extra cup of coffee.  

Making baked chicken tonight for dinner.  And spinach.  Lots of it.  Popeye would be proud.  

So something really awesome, yet super odd happened in my neighborhood last night.  Someone posted on a community page through Facebook, a video of a guy trying to open the car doors to four of his vehicles.  The poster was livid and was warning everyone in the neighborhood to be on the lookout for this guy.  The poster lives four houses behind me.  So, I go outside to check on my cars.  And yep, there is this guy standing next to one of them.  I didn’t say anything, but he knew I was watching him.  He finally walked off, back toward the house he was at initially.  

Then something weird happened.  About 15 neighbors came outside, some with big dogs, and started yelling at this guy.  Then someone gave chase.  Dogs and grown men were running after him.  I never saw a guy run so fast.  He ran toward the Wendy’s around the corner to get some type of protection.  Sadly, a police car was sitting there waiting on him.  About six people came forward with video on their phones showing him either breaking into their cars or trying the door handles.  This guy was toast.  

Now his mug shot, name, and info are all over my FB community page and everyone is super proud of themselves.  It was super cool.