#prisonletters

Haven’t started work for the insurance company yet.  I think I’ve jumped through every hoop they’ve asked me to, though.  I have one last thing I need to accomplish before my training starts, which is a marketplace exam and then I’ll be done.  I’ve been putting it off for three days now.  

Today is a milestone anniversary for S and me.  I sent him a letter this morning telling him how much I’ve improved since knowing him.  It sounds weird, but I have.  Unfortunately, I didn’t receive a letter from him.  Sometimes that happens and I have to learn to be patient.  The prison mailing system sucks ass.  

I’m thinking about crocheting a blanket.  I want neutral colors, like oatmeal, gray and maybe a dark teal.  Haven’t really put too much thought into it.  I want to make it for S, but I can’t send it to him.  I was thinking of making it, wrapping it up and then giving it to him when he’s released.  Does that sound like a dumb idea?  I’m still on the fence about it.  

I made the best butter chicken last night.  I had ten chicken thighs and was sort of at a loss at what I could do with them.  So, I made butter chicken and they turned out amazing.  I now have a ton of chicken left-over, though.  

Still doing Keto.  My daughter had a birthday a few days ago and I splurged on a piece of cake.  After everyone had a piece, I threw the rest away.  Cake is my weakness and I can’t have it anywhere around me.  I’m surprised I stopped at one piece.

(After much back and forth on how to start this letter in reply; They had spoken briefly on the subject a couple of times before fantasizing of their life together beneath the open stars in Victoria park, or over a quiet drink – what he thought may have been enough of an answer to his stance on children, and other people’s from what she’d observed with him, but perhaps he had been a bit buttoned up  on the matter of his own – quiet –  he knew & so he wouldn’t ask why. – )

Dearest Frances, 

I’m sorry that it’s been a few more days than usual since you’ve received a new letter – They’ve moved me to a new cell block. Just to catch you up on what you’ve missed. ( It was in part a joke to the fact that very little actually did change there in Wandsworth;  they’d moved him to a place more confined ‘where he wouldn’t be amongst many men he knew’. If people didn’t like him that was fine enough, but when the majority of the place were mates of his, it made the officials nervous. Bit of information he’d leave out for Frances though, being well acquainted with most of the prison population was a detail he’d rather skip her knowing and leave the joke where it was. And the truth was her last letter had been quite the one to digest.  ) 

Since your last note, Rita’s come to visit and told me Kimmie’s said her first word and you were there for it.  I have to admit, when Rita told me, I was very sorry I had missed that. So, it’s good I’ll be out before her next birthday so I haven’t missed any more of the important things.  I do love her to pieces. I have been thinking a bit on what you’ve said about children though, about us having children…. and if I like them at all. Apart from Kimmie, being that I work as much as I do, I don’t get a lot of time to spend holding many people’s babies, or interacting with so many neigbourhood kids about. But I do like them, yes. Especially when they are behaving themselves and smell that certain powder smell that they do particularly. Quiet as well… (smiles to himself along that stroke of the pen to cheek of that last paragraph.) 

You know that I like children, Frankie. Don’t be silly. That hasn’t changed. Of course I’ve thought about having our own someday too. Your dream doesn’t sound too far off from the reality of how that might actually go as well. A boy especially. You would want to name him after me then?  (It took him back a bit modestly to hear from her) If a baby would make you happy, you know I want to make you happy. You don’t reckon it would make a difference of your mum’s favour of me then would it? Go nicely when you tell her you’re getting married too don’tcha think?  (knowing full well she’d hate him even more for it if he’d gotten her pregnant as well. ) 

I miss you. I can’t wait to see you soon, 

I’ve literally sat here for the longest time trying to figure out what I’m gonna say, but it seems like no matter how hard I think about what I want to write I feel like it’s not good enough for what’s really going on inside my mind, because it’s so hard when I can’t even describe what they are. Either way, I know I can’t just ignore them. I can't keep bottling things up.. Not this time..Especially this time..

It’s been two months since I’ve spoke to you and every day that passes I seem to be doing okay. So many unbelievable things have happen and at this point in my life I’m just grateful that they did. Some were good and some were really bad and at this point I stopped questioning why. I just know that everything happens for a reason and sometimes shit just happens. I’ve learned to just let things take its course cause I know everything will be okay. I’ve always known, but sometimes it was really hard to believe it would be. Yet, here I am! 20 years old, almost 21 less than 2 months, with a new home, new job, new atmosphere and especially new perspective. I’m doing so good right now and I know I’m gonna do even better in the future. I have so many plans and ideas for the fall that by this time next year, all my small dreams of my adult life will come true. I feel so positive about this, because lately I’ve just started to believe in myself and ignore all the negative things others have told me about what to expect in the future. I just know that if I really put in my all in whatever I do, I can make anything possible. As lame as that sounds, it’s true. So for these last two months that we haven’t spoke to each other and the month and half before that, this is what I’ve been trying to get through my head, to work for a better life for myself and no longer for us.

For so long I had this plan to make your life easier in order for our lives to be better in the future. I was so dead on with this that I risked so many things to make this possible. I started letting go of so many people, changing my attitude, my mindset, choosing work over school, putting off my priorities, lying, cheating, not trying my best and most of all losing my strength and faith in me. Forgetting who I was and feeling so low of myself that I almost forgot what I was even worth. What I meant to others and my whole entire purpose was.So after months and months of complete stress and mental breakdowns, for some weird reason I started to feel nothing. And when I mean nothing, I honestly mean nothing. At first I didn’t understand why or how long was it going to be like this, but at the same time I thought it was good. I didn’t have any type of reaction to most things you would say or do (that I usually would) and I was okay with that. Even though this was different, I really thought I was gonna be fine. Except after weeks of the same thing repeating over and over and over again, not only did I not feel anything towards most things, I started to not feel anything towards you. Some how after 6 years of waking up and going to bed everyday with you on my mind, it just seem to all go away. You weren’t my first thought of the day or even my last anymore. I didn’t think of you when good things were happening and nor did I think of you when shitty things were happening to me. When ever you called I always looked at my phone like, “Ohh shit, that’s right”, as in I almost always forget your even in my life. And once that started going on for awhile, I knew where this was gonna lead to. I never imagined us not being in each other’s lives because one of lost feelings, but surprisingly that’s what happen. I knew that I couldn’t go any longer with this and that this time was really different from all the other times, because this time it wasn’t fair to you. Even though you did so many things that weren’t fair to me. I knew this would hurt you, but all I could think about was, “What’s the point?”, what’s the point of dealing with all of this if I don’t even love you anymore? What was the point of staying after all the fucked up things you did to me? The lying, the put downs, the manipulation, the stress, the tears, going behind my back, making it seem like I was the stupid one, that I didn’t understand anything, the un appreciation I felt and especially the DOUBT I CONSTANTLY had that you were using me, because nobody wanted to and once you came back to reality, the truth would come back and you would go to someone else. And deep down I knew this emotionless situation I was going through wasn’t good for me and I rather feel something than not feel anything and I knew as long as you were around, I would be like this forever. Why would anyone want to be like that. What was the point? So from there, I had to do what needed to be done years ago. I told you how I felt, even apologized (that I think back and realized I didn’t even need to) and tried to comfort you, but all you did was stay quite. 3 min later, the phone call ended and you didn’t call back until 2 days later. 2 days later where I didn’t even have money to put on the phone and where all my bad luck started to happen. Then after a week you send this ridiculous letter saying I’m crazy, I don’t know what I want, I play to many games, I’m a liar, a cheater and especially a “fucking careless person”. At first I thought, this is the first to your bipolar letters, but when I looked what else was inside you sent back my previous letter and ripped the address to my P.O box from all the letters I sent you so you wouldn’t be able to write to me without knowing the correct information. (Which I thought was stupid cause by now I thought you would memorize it, but that’s not important right now lol) still, I didn’t understand why you would do that, but I felt like this was my chance to finally cut all ties. After that, I blocked you from calling me from county and state, I returned your wallet and other junk and suspended my payment plan from the P.O box. Once I did all of that, I had never felt better about myself. For the first time, I felt something, the first and real emotion I honestly had in a long time.

Relieved.

Well it’s been two months since I’ve let go of that part of my life and as I said before from the beginning, everything couldn’t be any better. New this, new that, new everything. I’ve learned to get a hold of my emotions and control my anxiety. I’ve let all this negative energy out and let all these amazing vibes in. I feel good about myself and where I’m heading to. And even though I randomly got a letter from him last week and text from his grandmother asking me how I was doing, I know I can’t go back to that. I know that even if life throws me these little chances talk to you, I need to learn to walk away and just let things be. This is actually my first real post talking about this and now that I’m almost done, it feels so good to let things out and just talk about it. I didn’t want to at first (I never really do) but now in glad I did. All I know now, after everything that has happen I know it won’t be easy since this time is different, but then again I believe I’ll do what’s right for me and him.