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From the pen

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Sept 5th, 2019
Havenāt started work for the insurance company yet.Ā I think Iāve jumped through every hoop theyāve asked me to, though.Ā I have one last thing I need to accomplish before my training starts, which is a marketplace exam and then Iāll be done.Ā Iāve been putting it off for three days now.Ā Ā
Today is a milestone anniversary for S and me.Ā I sent him a letter this morning telling him how much Iāve improved since knowing him.Ā It sounds weird, but I have.Ā Unfortunately, I didnāt receive a letter from him.Ā Sometimes that happens and I have to learn to be patient.Ā The prison mailing system sucks ass.Ā Ā
Iām thinking about crocheting a blanket.Ā I want neutral colors, like oatmeal, gray and maybe a dark teal.Ā Havenāt really put too much thought into it.Ā I want to make it for S, but I canāt send it to him.Ā I was thinking of making it, wrapping it up and then giving it to him when heās released.Ā Does that sound like a dumb idea?Ā Iām still on the fence about it.Ā Ā
I made the best butter chicken last night.Ā I had ten chicken thighs and was sort of at a loss at what I could do with them.Ā So, I made butter chicken and they turned out amazing.Ā I now have a ton of chicken left-over, though.Ā Ā
Still doing Keto.Ā My daughter had a birthday a few days ago and I splurged on a piece of cake.Ā After everyone had a piece, I threw the rest away.Ā Cake is my weakness and I canāt have it anywhere around me.Ā Iām surprised I stopped at one piece.
I donāt know why Iām not updating like I should.Ā Itās very therapeutic to write down things.Ā One day at a time, I suppose.Ā Ā Ā Ā
Letters from California State Prison. #prisonletters @quimbysbookstorenyc (at Quimby's Bookstore NYC)
No one is safe no moor𤫠. . . #Repost @27thletterspodcast with @get_repost ć»ć»ć» Peace everyone, here is our first unofficial episode of #27thletterspodcast .... This episode delves into the life of @lanreobey and his perseverance thru the obstacles life presented him with. Injoyš§š *Link is in bio* . . . . . . . . #27thletterspodcast #hiphop #artist #RnB #activist #entrepreneur #father #Daughter #prisonletters #loveletters #longdistancerelationship #miamor #castingspells #soundcloud #tbt #podcast #fatheranddaughter #lifesentence
Dear Reggie, do you like children? I remember how we spent time together with your niece Kimmie and how you adored her. You always told me that babies smell nice and I saw how you held your nephews too. Haven't you thought of our children? Once, I had a dream that I'm having a baby and you and Ronnie argued the name should be given to our baby. I threw a tantrum and you threw Ronnie out. I had a boy in that dream and we named the baby Reginald after you. Maybe a baby would make me happy.
(After much back and forth on how to start this letter in reply; They had spoken briefly on the subject a couple of times before fantasizingĀ of their life together beneath the open stars in Victoria park, or over a quiet drink ā what he thought may have been enough of an answer to his stance on children, and other peopleās from what sheād observed with him, but perhaps he had been a bit buttoned upĀ on the matter of his own ā quiet āĀ he knew & so he wouldnāt ask why. ā )
Dearest Frances,Ā
Iām sorry that itās been a few more days than usual since youāve received a new letter ā Theyāve moved me to a new cell block. Just to catch you up on what youāve missed.Ā ( It was in part a joke to the fact that very little actually did change there in Wandsworth;Ā theyād moved him to a place more confined āwhere he wouldnāt be amongst many men he knewā. If people didnāt like him that was fine enough, but when the majority of the place were mates of his, it made the officials nervous. Bit of information heād leave out for Frances though, being well acquainted with most of the prison population was a detail heād rather skip her knowing and leave the joke where it was. And the truth was her last letter had been quite the one to digest.Ā )Ā
Since your last note, Ritaās come to visit and told me Kimmieās said her first word and you were there for it.Ā I have to admit, when Rita told me, I was very sorry I had missed that. So, itās good Iāll be out before her next birthday so I havenāt missed any more of the important things.Ā I do love her to pieces. I have been thinking a bit on what youāve said about children though, about us having childrenā¦. and if I like them at all. Apart from Kimmie, being that I work as much as I do, I donāt get a lot of time to spend holding many peopleās babies, or interacting with so many neigbourhood kids about. But I do like them, yes. Especially when they are behaving themselves and smell that certain powder smell that they do particularly. Quiet as well⦠(smiles to himself along that stroke of the pen to cheek of that last paragraph.)Ā
You know that I like children, Frankie. Donāt be silly. That hasnāt changed. Of course Iāve thought about having our own someday too. Your dream doesnāt sound too far off from the reality of how that might actually go as well. A boy especially. You would want to name him after me then?Ā (It took him back a bit modestly to hear from her) If a baby would make you happy, you know I want to make you happy. You donāt reckon it would make a difference of your mumās favour of me then would it? Go nicely when you tell her youāre getting married too donātcha think?Ā Ā (knowing full well sheād hate him even more for it if heād gotten her pregnant as well. )Ā
I miss you. I canāt wait to see you soon,Ā
All my love xx Reggie

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Iāve literally sat here for the longest time trying to figure out what Iām gonna say, but it seems like no matter how hard I think about what I want to write I feel like itās not good enough for whatās really going on inside my mind, because itās so hard when I canāt even describe what they are. Either way, I know I canāt just ignore them. I can't keep bottling things up.. Not this time..Especially this time..
Itās been two months since Iāve spoke to you and every day that passes I seem to be doing okay. So many unbelievable things have happen and at this point in my life Iām just grateful that they did. Some were good and some were really bad and at this point I stopped questioning why. I just know that everything happens for a reason and sometimes shit just happens. Iāve learned to just let things take its course cause I know everything will be okay. Iāve always known, but sometimes it was really hard to believe it would be. Yet, here I am! 20 years old, almost 21 less than 2 months, with a new home, new job, new atmosphere and especially new perspective. Iām doing so good right now and I know Iām gonna do even better in the future. I have so many plans and ideas for the fall that by this time next year, all my small dreams of my adult life will come true. I feel so positive about this, because lately Iāve just started to believe in myself and ignore all the negative things others have told me about what to expect in the future. I just know that if I really put in my all in whatever I do, I can make anything possible. As lame as that sounds, itās true. So for these last two months that we havenāt spoke to each other and the month and half before that, this is what Iāve been trying to get through my head, to work for a better life for myself and no longer for us.
For so long I had this plan to make your life easier in order for our lives to be better in the future. I was so dead on with this that I risked so many things to make this possible. I started letting go of so many people, changing my attitude, my mindset, choosing work over school, putting off my priorities, lying, cheating, not trying my best and most of all losing my strength and faith in me. Forgetting who I was and feeling so low of myself that I almost forgot what I was even worth. What I meant to others and my whole entire purpose was.So after months and months of complete stress and mental breakdowns, for some weird reason I started to feel nothing. And when I mean nothing, I honestly mean nothing. At first I didnāt understand why or how long was it going to be like this, but at the same time I thought it was good. I didnāt have any type of reaction to most things you would say or do (that I usually would) and I was okay with that. Even though this was different, I really thought I was gonna be fine. Except after weeks of the same thing repeating over and over and over again, not only did I not feel anything towards most things, I started to not feel anything towards you. Some how after 6 years of waking up and going to bed everyday with you on my mind, it just seem to all go away. You werenāt my first thought of the day or even my last anymore. I didnāt think of you when good things were happening and nor did I think of you when shitty things were happening to me. When ever you called I always looked at my phone like, āOhh shit, thatās rightā, as in I almost always forget your even in my life. And once that started going on for awhile, I knew where this was gonna lead to. I never imagined us not being in each otherās lives because one of lost feelings, but surprisingly thatās what happen. I knew that I couldnāt go any longer with this and that this time was really different from all the other times, because this time it wasnāt fair to you. Even though you did so many things that werenāt fair to me. I knew this would hurt you, but all I could think about was, āWhatās the point?ā, whatās the point of dealing with all of this if I donāt even love you anymore? What was the point of staying after all the fucked up things you did to me? The lying, the put downs, the manipulation, the stress, the tears, going behind my back, making it seem like I was the stupid one, that I didnāt understand anything, the un appreciation I felt and especially the DOUBT I CONSTANTLY had that you were using me, because nobody wanted to and once you came back to reality, the truth would come back and you would go to someone else. And deep down I knew this emotionless situation I was going through wasnāt good for me and I rather feel something than not feel anything and I knew as long as you were around, I would be like this forever. Why would anyone want to be like that. What was the point? So from there, I had to do what needed to be done years ago. I told you how I felt, even apologized (that I think back and realized I didnāt even need to) and tried to comfort you, but all you did was stay quite. 3 min later, the phone call ended and you didnāt call back until 2 days later. 2 days later where I didnāt even have money to put on the phone and where all my bad luck started to happen. Then after a week you send this ridiculous letter saying Iām crazy, I donāt know what I want, I play to many games, Iām a liar, a cheater and especially a āfucking careless personā. At first I thought, this is the first to your bipolar letters, but when I looked what else was inside you sent back my previous letter and ripped the address to my P.O box from all the letters I sent you so you wouldnāt be able to write to me without knowing the correct information. (Which I thought was stupid cause by now I thought you would memorize it, but thatās not important right now lol) still, I didnāt understand why you would do that, but I felt like this was my chance to finally cut all ties. After that, I blocked you from calling me from county and state, I returned your wallet and other junk and suspended my payment plan from the P.O box. Once I did all of that, I had never felt better about myself. For the first time, I felt something, the first and real emotion I honestly had in a long time.
Relieved.
Well itās been two months since Iāve let go of that part of my life and as I said before from the beginning, everything couldnāt be any better. New this, new that, new everything. Iāve learned to get a hold of my emotions and control my anxiety. Iāve let all this negative energy out and let all these amazing vibes in. I feel good about myself and where Iām heading to. And even though I randomly got a letter from him last week and text from his grandmother asking me how I was doing, I know I canāt go back to that. I know that even if life throws me these little chances talk to you, I need to learn to walk away and just let things be. This is actually my first real post talking about this and now that Iām almost done, it feels so good to let things out and just talk about it. I didnāt want to at first (I never really do) but now in glad I did. All I know now, after everything that has happen I know it wonāt be easy since this time is different, but then again I believe Iāll do whatās right for me and him.
Donāt get me wrong, I will never regret this experience I had with him or forget all the good things that actually did happen. Iāll never regret the strong connection we did have at one point or the ones I made with his family, especially his grandmother. Do I still wish I had a better support system? Yes. Do I wish I could have done more? Yes, but like said. Things happen for a reason, or maybe shit just happens. No, I wonāt ever look back and wish it never happened nor will I ever wish bad on him. I still want great things to happen to him, like to get home safe to his family and later down the line achieve all his goals. I want him to do good and actually want to change for the better. And after helping myself and getting back on track with my emotions, I know deep down I still care, and even though Iām not in love with him, I will always love him. I will always love that little boy I met at 13 years old. The little boy who changed my entire life. Forever.
bana karli bir masal yazip gonder. #ulucanlarcezaevi #muze #ankara #turkey #mektup #lettering #bnw #bnw_life #prisonletters
March 18,2015
Kasey, I got your letter yesterday and no I donāt think your weird for wanting my shirts and stuff lol. Iāll talk to my mom Iām not even sure what all I even have for clothes anymore I havenāt really been home in forever it seems. But I doubt she will send them to you, youād have to go get them from her at the bar or something. I donāt know if I can give up my hat lol but I will for you :) Iām glad youāre doing good things out there especially without erica, I never did really like her much shes annoying lol. It donāt matter if you cant pay that much for me to call I dont mind writing I wish I got more letters though :( its ok though I know you got better things to do besides write to me lol. Thatās cool your mom lets you use her car again, if I was out we could use it to go bar hoppin lol jk. Ā I donāt think I even heard of that song you wrote down or I never heard of who sings it. The Lacs? it sound ok though kind of sounds like us huh? Especially the drinking part lol. I miss you like crazy too babes, I cant wait till I get to a home jail so you can come visit me! Iām probably going to be here awhile though. Maybe like 6 months all together I hope not but itās possible. I really want to go to mercer its closer to pittsburgh but I hear its really sweet there that was Zanes home jail. Have you heard anything from crystal about him? He is probably in Albion I imagine. Hows the weather up there? My mom says its been cold and still alot of snow its been nice down here in the 50s and 60s there aint been no snow for awhile now. What did you do for St. Patricks day yesterday? did you go out and drink green beer? I would of if I was out. I been really having trouble with cravings lately it seems. I just feel like getting high or drunk mostly Iād just like to smoke some weed or something. I finally got some tobacco and stuff my moms been giving me a little money not much though. Iāll be running out of shit soon hopefully she sens more. I would ask my brother and amanda for some money but they been broke with him not working and stuff. I been thinking about getting a card for my niece. I guess sheās been asking about me and wondering where I am they probably told her Iām camping lol thatās what they used to tell her. lol none of my other brothers or sister write me or anything. Do you still talk to my sister? shes a nut you would be better off not too. I put your number on my list to get it approved hopefully it will be by next week so i can call you !! I miss calling you and the calls here are way cheaper then the county so that 20$ you put on should last awhile I will only call you like every 8 days because I can only call once every 4 days so Iāll call you once then my mom once but atleast I get to hear your sweet voice! :) That will brighten my day up! So whats up with some pictures? with some cleavage lol and my ādirty lettersā lol times are hard for a guy in my position I need something for when Iām in the cell by myself if you what I mean lol. These are things girls gotta do with a man in prison lol. Am I being convincing yet? Haha Iām trying. I had a really good dream about us the other night :) I canāt wait to get out and make them come true :) in my panda suit haha. You would like that huh? lol. That would be weird I could never do that unless it was like one of your fantasies or something lol what are some of your fantasies? If you tell me yours Iāll tell you mine haha. But I need yours in great details! :) I want yours first though haha. I miss being around you I want to hug and kiss you! All over :) Sorry Iām horny today, if I was out youād be in big trouble lol for real and this is making it worse thinking about it. lol Well Iām going to mail this I guess and Iāll talk to my mom about give you a couple shirts ok! Iāll let you know. I love you baby, canāt wait to call you! <3 Love Wiley P.S. pictures & letters. good letters lol I love you babes!