oh dr greene we're really in it now

I just don't know what's wrong with me. I have potentially found the one, a woman who wants to be with me, and who, despite all the little things she does that might annoy me sometimes, is gentle and kind and does more than enough to make up for those little things. I'm so stable and supported with her. But for some reason I feel so out of place. I want freedom, and that's not even to say she doesn't grant me any. I want freedom to flirt and fuck and run away without leaving someone I love so confused. Though that's not to say my other plans to run away don't include that. It's different when it's someone like her though. it's harder to run away. and maybe that's a sign, maybe that's telling enough. but right now I feel so isolated. I can't express this to our mutual friends, or even to others in general, because I sound insane. whatever. I hope she leaves me so I get that pain I deserve for even thinking the way I do

I'm still so upset with my friend. I wish I didn't have to talk to anyone.

If I were to leave my relationship to have more casual sex there's not even a guarantee that'll happen I don't think I'm that sexy and I haven't been able to go out in so long

reading kink posts about rape and feeling like the worst human being on the planet why why why can I not just get it up for normal shit why am I some sort of freak nothing ever happened to me !!!! I was thinking about the girl that made me realize I like girls and how weird and a little violent she was and how she did and said mean ish things to me and maybe that's what fucked me up but it doesn't matter because now I'm disgusting

posting from group therapy but self soothe is so stupid. all of this feels so stupid

I need to be the favorite or the pariah but it can't be both

I need my banal suffering to live. without it how else will I feel special #mybanalsuffering

if I can't be human can I least be beaten enough to feel like I am

anyone else physically shake with rage / anxiety / biting back words when they're splitting it hurts my body because I get so tense when I shake

irrationally angry over learning my friend had a partner for 4 years that I didn't know about until now (they just broke up) (I've only been friends with them for like 6 months) (I want them to love me because I want to be the object of affection for everyone who I've ever met and I long to be the most important person in their lives without the consequences of that) (because I'm a bad person)

I think I was born to be isolated. I was born as an experiment by god to see what would happen if you made the most ashamed and self alienated person of all time. and see if they get into heaven or hell

I wish I was normal so fucking bad. I don't just mean in my mental health, but in my identity and interests. I could never not be transgender, but I wish that what I wish to have done to my body in the name of gender identity wasn't thought of as so disgusting or offensive. in searching for information I saw swaths of hatred, from my own communities, and was reminded that I will never be able to fit in even amongst people who are the same in more ways than different. trans women are the only people who tend to understand me, but I am so ashamed of myself and the fact that I am not a trans woman that I could never in good conscience attempt to express my desire to be amongst more of them without feeling like a fetishistic piece of shit. they understand what it is like to be a minority within a minority, often times within other layers of vulnerability, alienated from communities claiming to be built off of them. but even amongst them I am still in relatively white company, another struggle that I try to ignore so much as I have never felt comfortable in my identity as a person of color, only due to my internal shame of not looking more or sounding more or being more of my people. but I would like to be around trans people who are like me, in the sense that I do not have to explain what it is like to be not white in a white world. and on top of it all I am asking this nonexistent community of people to also understand my desires of victimhood (often sexually, though not always). to understand the desire to be hurt or to hurt others and to not worry about revealing too much of how I got these bruises lest they call the fucking cops on my partner. everyday I feel further from humanity. it is only through tumblr that I have found at least some sense of parasocial connection. I wish I could just be normal or die