Journey

This is what happens isn't it? This is what happens when I try to pretend that everything is fine my mind finds fresh new hells to show me.

Like living it once wasn't good enough

But he kept chasing me

The track would play over and over

And I was screaming no and

It was a dream

Fresh new hells indeed

And putting me back into the body of a child like it wasn't fucked up enough without it

My god I should apologise for showing eyes this nightmare of mine but

Please just let me get it out of my head I've been running from the screaming all day

Like it's some kind of game again my head is trying to tell me the worst things it can think of

And I couldn't escape I'd shake myself awake into the same dream over

And over

And over again

Dear "dream meanings" what the actual hell could be the meaning of doing this to your host?

Brain explain to me please how traumatizing your host for hours is anywhere near trying to survive?

I could so use a hug right now

Feel something that isn't violence for the first time since the last thing I remember

If there is a god

You're an absolute wanker for giving me this body

I hope God gets nightmares about being raped as a child.

Fuck.

And the day's been a challenge and I woke up broken from being broken all night

So I've only cried several handfuls of tears

Freshly opening wounds that we pretend don't trickle in to every interaction with men

Obviously

I do not claim to feel like I was just raped

Dreams are real as hell, but they fade in the waking hours I am not reliving the dream I am reliving my own story again

Just left the day with such a taste as I would describe as disturbed

Running from images of a father

I'm always running from a father

Dream interpreters that's what I mean. From somewhere up there.

I don't have enough spoons to edit.

Just, fuck.

Facebook's constant vendetta against me, a non-binary person, for standing up against people who constantly call me names and say I'm mentally ill or say I don't exist, is getting really fucking old.

I question where I go wrong

What part of me doesn't stick to others?

What part of me is making them leave?

It always seems to be for arbitrary reasons

Like they had been planning it all along and this was just their moment

Or they simply stop replying

I wish there was a mirror I could step up to

So I could see how others see me

So different from how I see me

I wish I could be myself

But myself makes people leave

If I could see the mirror I could fix the parts of me that aren't good enough

I'm sure of it

Sure that with enough glue and tape I could fit the shape of a desirable human being

Sometimes I feel I'm watching the world through a cell, and sometimes people come to the window

But they never stick around

They never try to break me out

It's not like I have the key to the door

Does this cell even have a door?

More like four walls and a window

Four walls and a window

Always looking out and wishing I could join them

But the bars keep me away

I wish they'd come back to me

Nobody cares

Stop shoving it down their throat

But they'd get quite upset if someone didn't understand their gender immediately

They say I should be silent and stop forcing people to see my point of view but they keep forcing their point of view on to me

Over and again I hear of this god I do not know

This hell I do not believe in

They act as if I spend all my time forcing my existence on to them when they come to me

They say we don't want equality we want everyone to love us

But I just want to be able to say Hello I'm non-binary

And not have that followed up with

Abuse

For what possible reason could humans seek out other humans purely to harm them and why wasn't this the behaviour that was viewed as deviant and not

Being myself

Being in love

How could love be deviant?

How could being be deviant?

I don't understand them mother

You made them so I assume you must

They're currently breeding out of control and for some reason giving all of their money to the rich

Money which they made up in the first place in a world where absolutely everything was free

And they think I'm the deviant one who should cease to exist

Jeff Bezos modern day debt slave master, should be free to do as he wishes, but I should be silent

No one wants to hear me

They confuse me mother

Sometimes I wonder if whatever mutation we have that puts us so outside the balance of the world, the thing that makes humans so different, wasn't a mistake

Sometimes I wish a great saviour would pop up and preach love and acceptance and loving thy divine mother earth and then I think

They'd quit

They'd be killed

It's like my personal inner mantra

Just be decent

You don't understand how hard it is

Or it must be

Because so many can't even manage it

Not even do I dare say

Be good

Because good is something left to those who can

But decent

And sometimes I struggle

Sometimes I forget I'm surrounded by traumatized children in adult suits

But generally

Mostly

I manage to be decent

I'm sure our definitions of decent are different

I think of it in percentages

Good a 90

Decent a 70

In terms of goodness anyhow

I wish I could go around and just tell people to be decent

Come follow me into my religion of just being fucking decent

Sometimes you fail, but that's okay.

I just wish there were more decent people

さよなら何て嫌い

There's always a day when you say goodbye forever

さよなら言わないで

But I wish it wasn't so soon

I wish it wasn't like a blaring neon sign

Like I can't stop looking at it coming closer

Please

Stay?

隣に居て良い

Isn't it?

Aren't I good enough?

I'm never good enough no one ever stays

This is the part where now I'm mad and I want to snap

Fine then go, go like everyone else!

独りで良い

ずっと独り

何度もここに来た

永遠のさよならに

何で?

I get anxiety about going to work because of how I'll feel afterwards

I dread how I feel afterwards

Some days I feel like I feel after working without even having worked

Like today

When my anxiety is greater still, imagining feeling worse than this

My diseases plague me daily

I can no longer cook most days

I can no longer clean

It's all I can do to try to keep this place together.

How I dread feeling exactly how I feel now

How I dread it getting worse

I wish my body would give me a break

One week off where I could feel like normal and clean everything

I haven't felt normal in years

I don't even know if I remember what normal feels like

It's a battle every day to get out of bed

It's a fight to do the simple things I can do

Hair brushing leaves me so exhausted I have to sit to brush my teeth

Imagine that

Can't even stand to brush my teeth

My arm hurts now from the effort of holding my phone to type this

I am anxiously

Exhaustedly

Desperately

Begging with my body

Like all the words I've anxiously thought up and managed to get out are simply hung in the air

And then dissipated to nothing

Does anything I say really matter?

No one seems to agree with most of it

Or they don't listen

Or am I the only one that listens?

Maybe everyone else just allows words to travel through one ear to the other and out again

I wish I could do that

Let go of words that enter into my senses

But what's the point in experiencing the anxiety of talking if no one hears me?

Even when I am exhausted from my own battles

They use up my spoons and I want to dig my heels in and say no, but

I don't want to leave anyone suffering alone to suffer

But I'm so exhausted

So tired of listening to other people's issues when my own are also a daily battle

That no one wants to hear about

My shriveled up ego wakes up for a moment and wants to know why their problems are important enough to listen to but mine aren't?

And it's always the same story

No matter what I say it's like I'm talking to thin air

Hell even the wind listens better

Why do I waste my spoons talking to people who don't listen?

But then I just feel selfish

Aren't those struggling entitled to my time and effort?

Does it matter if I have none?

Does it matter if I'm speaking into the nothing?

They just want to talk at me.

Does how I feel even matter?

I may as well be a statue

Sometimes they're really annoying

Often they're exasperating

Sometimes they're nice

Sometimes they're mean

Often they're stupid

Sometimes they're so sweet and innocent

Sometimes they're monsters

Often they're broken

Sometimes they're selfless

Sometimes they're greedy

Often they're human

When I'm hungry

Wouldn't it be nice if I could just have food when I need to eat

In my mind I'm thinking it's just $25

But it's $25 I don't have, and cannot find

I'm working so hard as it is

As I try to compensate for all my short falls

If only it wasn't so hard to find the money to afford food

If I could just...do something for two hours and have enough to get by

Just have enough to get by

Wondering why?

Why they keep me poor?

The ones that hold the purse strings and dole out that set amount

And I can only make so much

It's not enough

I'm just hungry

Someone that shows interest in what I have to say

Trying to tell myself it's just my head messing with me again

But others don't show the same enthusiasm as me

I don't know if it's just that part of me that sets me apart

I don't know if I'm just feeling more than other people are capable of

But I still long to feel connected to someone, for something longer than a moment

I wish I could find you, oh someone from my tribe

He returns like the waves to the shore

I can't seem to get away

Even though the days between grow longer

It's still the winter here

I wonder if I want him to come back?

Maybe my soul calls him back to me

I still think of him at odd moments

Cues set by the universe

To never forget the past even while heading for the future

I wonder if I'll ever meet him?

Maybe my mere wonder brings him back to my shores

I'll never know, really, what it means to bring him back or send him away

Maybe he'll always be here