Quiet So quiet some mornings. It’s not even early but it feels like everyone but me is sleeping, unconscious to the soft light and the sweet kitty snore of this chunky girl next to me.
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Quiet So quiet some mornings. It’s not even early but it feels like everyone but me is sleeping, unconscious to the soft light and the sweet kitty snore of this chunky girl next to me.

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The End
We began it together, as one. It ends with us apart, as strangers.
The beginning of every story, eventually has an end. And this is the end of ours.
Ya
Allah my heart.
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She still sings me lullabies
I’m lying here in the quiet. She’s almost grown. Certainly more grown than I wanted her to be at 17. And suddenly I hear her. Lost in song. It’s been so long since I’ve heard that beautiful sound. We’ve had a few rough years…but we finally have a home, she has her room, I have mine, and that heavenly sound of her singing herself to sleep behind the door is the best, most wonderful, most beautiful…
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It's 2018
It’s 2018
It’s 2018. Just like that. As fast and crazy as the last few years have been, and with as much as has been happening in our universe, you’d have thought I would have remembered to jot a thing or two down. But I didn’t. And now it is 2018.
Everything feels different this year. Not that 2017 didn’t or wasn’t, but it is strongly and starkly different than any of the other years of my life so far.
I…
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Loves me some Marilyn in the mornin'

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Good morning
My uncle Al convinced me to pay the saxophone with the solo in this song. Every time I hear it, I think it might be my favorite over The Great Gig in the Sky. If you never liked Floyd you should still give this one a go. Close your eyes, grab your vice, kick back and listen ;)
Possibly the best band ever. "So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older, Shorter of breath and one day closer to death "
Someone told me long ago there's a calm before the storm I know, it's been comin' for some time When it's over, so they say, it'll rain a sunny day I know, shinin' down like water I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain? I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain Comin' down on a sunny day?
LandslideÂ
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? And can I sail through the changing ocean tides Can I handle the seasons of my life? Oh oh I don’t know, oh I don’t know
Here I lie. Tired and sore and old. A Saturday night, weekend of the 4th, and here I lie, alone. Last Saturday of Ramadan 2016. Don’t know where my husband is or what he is doing. But I know I’m…
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When you definitely have mental illness, but also have had a bunch of fucked up shit devastate your life so you aren’t quite sure if you are actually breaking down or if it’s just the crazy you.
My heart. It aches so hard tonight.
I can't breathe without my sun.
Butterflies
Just the thought that I get to see you today is making my stomach flutter. It's been 5 years and you make me feel like I'm meeting you for the first time every time I see you. I can get out of bed, and I can look in the mirror and I can pull my socks and shoes on without a tired sigh. I love you husband.
The Room without You
Bedtime is the worst. Maybe. Or maybe waking up. We used to go to bed talking. We didn’t shut up. We’d be so tired and we’d have to get up early the following day and we still couldn’t shut up. You would pull me close to you and I would feel your warmth and smell you. You would kiss my forehead and brush my hair out of my face. I would wake up next to you, and wrap my arms around you from behind and put my cheek to the back of your shoulder. I fell asleep to you and woke up to you.
Now I go to bed alone. My thoughts haunted with memories and what ifs. I look at your tie on the wall, the one you wore to our wedding and I remember we are married. I remember that day, that night, and I have a hard time reconciling that time with the present. I have a hard time crawling into bed and under the covers without you. I have a hard time falling asleep without you right there next to me. I have a hard time remembering the last time we went to bed together. We woke up that day and didn’t know our world would change and never be the same. And I can’t remember the day. Or the night before. I wish to God I could.
It would be one thing if we fell out of love with each other. Or if we just couldn’t stand each other and had to separate. But loving each other, being best friends and being forced apart is torture. Knowing you are in the same city instead of across an ocean kills me. We went through so much, we waited so long… and now we are here. Somewhere so far off our map that we never saw it as a remote possibility. All I can do is pray God takes care of you until I can again.

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What Now
Just don’t even know what to do but cry. My heart aches and my brain is scattered and my stomach is sick. I can’t lose him…he is my husband. He is a part of me. Without him I’m am not whole. But I love him. I love him so much. And I wasn’t prepared for anything beyond February 9th. I wasn’t prepared for the anticlimactic dismissal. The change in our connection. The different people we both are after living through this. Winning isn’t a win. The saving of a life that never should have been in jeopardy, destroyed both of us. Destroyed a family, destroyed a marriage.
Bitter
I never really knew bittersweet happiness until this. We have to be happy and grateful. We seem to have no right to be angry. Or to cry. To mourn the devastation that has turned our lives around. The tears and sobbing won’t stop. The heartache won’t stop. The anger won’t stop. It makes me feel selfish to hurt so much. But that doesn’t make it not hurt.