train of consciousness

Quiet So quiet some mornings. It’s not even early but it feels like everyone but me is sleeping, unconscious to the soft light and the sweet kitty snore of this chunky girl next to me.

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Loves me some Marilyn in the mornin'

Good morning

My uncle Al convinced me to pay the saxophone with the solo in this song. Every time I hear it, I think it might be my favorite over The Great Gig in the Sky. If you never liked Floyd you should still give this one a go. Close your eyes, grab your vice, kick back and listen ;)

Possibly the best band ever. "So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older, Shorter of breath and one day closer to death "

Someone told me long ago there's a calm before the storm I know, it's been comin' for some time When it's over, so they say, it'll rain a sunny day I know, shinin' down like water I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain? I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain Comin' down on a sunny day?

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I can't breathe without my sun.

Just the thought that I get to see you today is making my stomach flutter. It's been 5 years and you make me feel like I'm meeting you for the first time every time I see you. I can get out of bed, and I can look in the mirror and I can pull my socks and shoes on without a tired sigh. I love you husband.

It would be one thing if we fell out of love with each other. Or if we just couldn’t stand each other and had to separate. But loving each other, being best friends and being forced apart is torture. Knowing you are in the same city instead of across an ocean kills me. We went through so much, we waited so long… and now we are here. Somewhere so far off our map that we never saw it as a remote possibility. All I can do is pray God takes care of you until I can again.

Just don’t even know what to do but cry. My heart aches and my brain is scattered and my stomach is sick. I can’t lose him…he is my husband. He is a part of me. Without him I’m am not whole. But I love him. I love him so much. And I wasn’t prepared for anything beyond February 9th. I wasn’t prepared for the anticlimactic dismissal. The change in our connection. The different people we both are after living through this. Winning isn’t a win. The saving of a life that never should have been in jeopardy, destroyed both of us. Destroyed a family, destroyed a marriage.

I never really knew bittersweet happiness until this. We have to be happy and grateful. We seem to have no right to be angry. Or to cry. To mourn the devastation that has turned our lives around. The tears and sobbing won’t stop. The heartache won’t stop. The anger won’t stop. It makes me feel selfish to hurt so much. But that doesn’t make it not hurt.