#whatnow

how to cope with an indescribable sense of sadness and yearning

What Now? She sat at the table, head down, looking at her hands folded in her lap. Her fingers turned the ring on her finger. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” His voice came through the cell phone on the table. She didn’t need to see his eyes to know when he was troubled. She didn’t need to be in the same room to feel that something was off. She couldn’t tell you how but she could sense him, almost sense his emotions even from a distance. She had been restless all weekend. Hadn’t received a call for a couple of days but she told herself it was because he was traveling in the mountains and might not have cell service. She had tried to tell herself that she was being silly, but her feelings wouldn’t go away. She had sensed something had changed over the past few weeks but had never imagined this. “Did you sleep with her?” She had to know. “No. It was just a blow job.” THAT was better? She shook her head. “Was she pretty? Was she good?” Tears filled her eyes and overflowed, leaving a wet trail as they ran down her cheeks. “No. I left. I didn’t stay. She wasn’t you. The whole time I was with her I pictured you, your sweet pussy, those beautiful tits, those delicious nipples. It was your mouth I was thinking of. I didn’t stay. I was mad at myself that I let it happen, but I was drunk.” Her head tipped back and she looked up at the ceiling. Lips were pressed together to keep any sound from escaping. Tears flowed unchecked now. Never before had she felt such pain. How could her heart continue to beat when it had received such a blow? “Are you still there?” He asked. She nodded, afraid to speak. Realizing he couldn’t see her, she took a deep breath. “Yes”, she managed to get out, hoping he wouldn’t be able to tell that she was crying. “I’m sorry.” He said again. “This was the first time. I promise baby; it won’t happen again.” He paused. “Can we talk about this when I get home? I’m sorry I hurt you.” Another pause. “Baby? You there? You okay?” “Yes.” She whispered. “I’m sorry.” He said again. “Please. Can you forgive me? We need to talk when I get home in a couple of days.” Again she nodded, then whispered, “Okay.” He told her he missed her, and after telling her again he was sorry for hurting he, he hung up. She sat in the chair for what seemed like hours but probably wasn’t more than a few minutes. Her mind was a blank slate. Hurt, feeling tired and empty, she drew a deep breath. She knew she couldn’t continue living here. She had sensed his feelings weren’t the same. Gone was the closeness they had months ago. They no longer talked about anything important. He had been traveling a lot lately but she had accepted that as a necessity for his position in the company. She had tried to talk to him about these feelings but he had brushed her off numerous times. She got up to get a Kleenex. If he wanted her in his life, things would need to change and she didn’t see that happening. He had been restless for some time now and she knew he wouldn’t want her anymore. She was only a fuck toy for him to use when the urge hit. Gone were the days of talking about his projects , his work, friends and family. She had been shut out for months now. It was time for her to move on. She took the ring off her finger and left it on the table. ©️Copyright November 2019.