a wreck. eloquently.

for example: i am disabled. have two abled siblings. we are all adults; they’re a lot older than me. my siblings both have children. i get a lot of assistance from our parents. right now, i can’t work. right now i can’t go out into public spaces comfortably on my own (i can, but it’s hard and i prefer to have someone with me). that means i can’t shop for groceries alone; i can’t go out on necessary outings alone.

it looks a lot like i’m “coddled” and babied by my parents because of this, and my siblings are both so angry over it. they get so angry that i receive assistance. they talk about how they never do (which is extremely untrue). they talk about how unfair it is; about how i’m taking the easy way out. but they are abled. they have children and jobs. they take care of themselves extremely well–especially compared to me.

i get it. really i do. but look:

nobody who receives special assistance enjoys it. nobody likes being stared at while they get help. we all want to be able to say yes, i have a job; yes, i can take care of myself; yes, i am abled. but not all of us can.

i am an adult who is often seen as a child because of the assistance i receive and the life i lead. of course i don’t like it. nobody would like it. i hate “taking the easy way out” as my siblings and so many people refer to it. i want to be an independent human being. i want a career and a life. but right now i can’t; some people never can.

tl;dr some disabled people need help, and that should be respected. we aren’t taking anything away from abled people. we are getting the help we need to survive.

Antibiotics kill some bacteria, but don’t manage to kill other bacteria. Just like when you get a particular sickness (or a vaccination), your body can protect you from future infections, any bacteria that came into contact with the antibiotic is protected from future doses of that antibiotic. Bacteria are very virulent breeders, so they spawn more resistant bacteria.

If you take the full dose of antibiotics, your natural antibodies can deal with the cells that are resistant while the medicine kills off the bacteria that isn’t resistant. If you don’t take the full course of antibiotics, then your body has to deal with both the resistant and the non-resistant strains of bacteria, and it can become overwhelming. Also, most bacteria are able to pass on genes between still-living cells, so that previously non-resistant strains become resistant, and you have inadvertently cultivated a stronger strain of bacteria.

Furthermore, colds and the flu are viral infections, so antibiotics don’t work against them anyway. The best protection against viral infections are vaccinations, as there are not many viruses that we have developed anti-viral medication against, once you already have the disease. If there are anti-viral medications, it is even more important that you take the full dose of the medication, because anti-viral medication is even harsher against the body than antibacterial medication is.

How antibiotics work

Buy them cold medicine 

Buy them cough drops

Buy them fancy tissues with lotion

Make them too much soup to eat in one go and freeze half for later

Find them a low-cost clinic and accompany them there

Tell them you are giving them their day’s wages and they are staying home Friday/Monday and then do.

Go to their house. Wash the dishes, take out the garbage, walk the dog, scoop the cat or just plain change the whole litter box, clean the bathtub and mom voice them until they take a hot shower or steam their head.

if they have asthma or bronchitis and are out of inhaler but you have a half-full one, that is a thing you can sanitize and share.

TOP TEN IOS APPS by bree celestudials 

like many other students, i use my iphone for many purposes, including studying! a few of the apps i’m going to recommend here are classics, but most are more obscure to avoid giving repetitive information. all of them help me cope better with daily life, academic or otherwise. listed with their names and a description of their function. every app is free!

google calendar, google docs, & google drive

condensed to one point because they really go hand in hand, google’s organizational apps are a must-have for any student. syncing across multiple devices, with convenient organizational categories, they are most effective when used together.

discord

my favorite method of communication, discord is a chat app that far outstrips skype. it has text chat, voice call, and a video calling function is in beta right now. it has custom roles and emojis, and server management and nicknaming is much easier than ever before. despite being advertised as “chat for gamers,” it’s really for everyone!

duolingo

this studyblr staple is a great tool for on-the-go language learning. it partners with the duolingo website, and offers a vast variety of languages with customized learning paths. quiz yourself on the bus, or study during lunch: duolingo is here!

paper by 53

paper is a note-taking alternative for the creative mind; it has a word processing function, and it also offers a digital sketchpad. if you want to switch fast between doodling and writing, i recommend paper.

viridi

a classic calming app, viridi is a game where the player cultivates a bowl full of succulents in more or less real time. it’s always calming for me to check in on my plants and water them, but be warned that just like real succulents, they can die! nevertheless, i recommend viridi to anyone with anxiety or a busy schedule; it’s a quiet, meditative space that gives you room to breathe.

playmoss

a great music app for making playlists. it doesn’t host all youtube videos, but it allows you to do custom playlist cover art and titles, and it has free unlimited listening (unlike 8tracks). i’m celestudial on there; come say hi!

onenote

this app works in conjunction with onenote on windows, and is a great word processor and place to take notes. it does autocapitalize, which i’ve found to be somewhat annoying, but other than that its function is pretty much flawless!

VSCO

VSCO is a popular studyblr app; it’s a photo editor that produces crisp, professional images. use it to adjust your studyspo pictures to your liking, or to filter a selfie! it has many potential uses, especially for the artistically inclined.

i love fur

this one’s a little different: it’s a game app where you have to play with different textures of touch-sensitive fur. i find it very engaging and soothing, and it’s very helpful for my sensory issues.

clue (period tracker)

clue is a period tracking app, one of the more discreet that i’ve seen around. it allows you to keep track of your cycle, warns you when your next period should be coming, and it isn’t covered in pink and gendered symbolism for those of you (like me!) who have periods but aren’t female.

I want to prove a point.

When I was in my late teens and early 20s, I kept getting involved with people who would say, “Oh, I’m a bad person” any time I brought up ANYTHING that was the least bit of a disagreement. 

Like, “Please don’t leave my X on the floor” would get, “Oh, I’m a horrible person!”

HERE’S WHY THIS IS A HUGELY PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR, and if you think I”m calling you out and you think you’re about to shut down, take a breath, remember that this is about learning, and keep reading.

What is important is what happened after. My boyfriend might say, “Oh, I’m just an awful boyfriend” and instead of him acknowledging the BEHAVIOR and working on fixing it, he’d get me trying to buck him up for the next half hour, telling him he was a good person. The behavior that started it all would not change.

Well, things led to things and I went back home to live for a while, and found that the same exact thing was happening… with my mother.

And then I learned about pattern arguments. Pattern arguments are the ones where you keep having the same nonproductive argument over and over again. They don’t all follow this pattern, but this is a really common one.

The trick?

BREAK THE PATTERN

First you have to know what the pattern is. In this case: 1. Grievance 2. Self deprecation 3. Ego stroking So, with my mother, we started in on one of these, and she said, “I guess I’m just a terrible mother.” And instead of reassuring her, instead of derailing the issue and letting it go… I said, “When you say that, it makes me wonder how terrible a daughter I could be that you would think you were a bad mother. We have this conversation this way over and over, and the problem that I have always gets pushed aside in favor of trying to make you feel better. When you’re willing to have a real conversation about this, I’m happy to talk to you, but I’m bored with this argument, so I’ll see you later if you want to really talk.” And I left the room. Now, my mom is a reasonably self-aware person, and does a lot of hard emotional work, and so she got it, very quickly. 10 minutes later she came out and found me, and we had a real conversation about whatever the hell the issue really was, and we have literally NEVER had that particular pattern argument again in 23 years.  Boyfriend came to visit. I was upset about something, he started in on the “I’m just a shitty boyfriend” thing… and my response? “Yep. You are.” His jaw dropped. He blinked. And I said, “Look, that’s what you do. You say shit like that and it means you don’t have to change your behavior, and I’m tired of the pattern we have where I tell you something isn’t working for me, you tell me you’re terrible, and I spend half an hour making you feel better. I’m tired of it and I”m not doing it anymore. If you’re willing to have an actual conversation about this, and not just the same old argument, I’m game. But this thing we do where you talk yourself down and I butter you up? Is boring. And I’m over it.” We also did not have that argument again. (The relationship finally ended for real a while after, but it ended in a grown-up way, and not with a ridiculous meaningless fight.) When you knock yourself down, the gut instinct for the people around you is to pick you up. But that means you’re not pulling your weight in the relationship. You’re making them do the work and you’re not actually hearing them. So that brings us to another point:

How to deal with criticism

Okay, so if you’re not going to knock yourself down when someone says something negative about you, what DO you do? We don’t actually train people to take criticism well. But it is an art and a skill and NECESSARY to finding emotional stability in the face of a critical world.

I see it as a flow chart, but since the flow chart I made for it ended up in a book that I don’t own the copyright to (not a big deal) I’ll write out the decision tree here instead: 1. Someone offers criticism (constructive or not!)

2. Listen and think about it without immediately trying to defend yourself. You can say, “Okay, I need a moment to take that in and think about it because I want to understand it.” Or something else appropriate to the situation. It is okay to ask for time to think in most circumstances. Most people will appreciate that you are thinking about their words instead of immediately getting defensive or counterattacking. Think about whether what they are saying is valid, might be valid or is not valid. 

3A. If it is valid, then you have a choice. You can try to fix the behavior or you can acknowledge that it is a valid criticism but decide you aren’t likely to fix it. Start by acknowledging the validity of the criticism, and then say what you’re going to do to fix it, or say that it’s valid but it isn’t something you’re willing (or possibly able) to change, or say that it’s a valid criticism and you’ll need to think about possible solutions. They may have a suggestion. Taking it or not is also a choice. 

3B. If you’re not sure it’s valid, but it might be, tell them, “I really need to give this some more thought.” or “Can you tell me more about this? I’m not sure I understand the issue well.”  Or “If you can point me at some reading material or search terms, I’d like to study this before I decide what I’m going to do.” 

3C. If you know it is not a valid criticism, STOP a moment, and look at WHY they are making it. This is where Active Listening can be very helpful. “I hear you saying that X is a problem. I don’t see it that way right now but I’d like to understand better why you do.” Or if you think they don’t have enough information, “I hear you saying X, but my understanding of the issue is Y. Here’s what I know about it if you’re ready to listen.” If they’re just looking for a fight, tell them you’re not interested in fighting, and disentangle yourself. 

4. If the criticism is something you are going to listen to and take action on, tell them what kind of action you’re going to take. If it’s something you’re hearing and thinking about, tell them that. If it’s not something you’re going to do anything about or it’s just wrong, thank them for their input and move on.

Literally never is it going to be helpful to say, “Oh, I’m just a terrible person.” That’s very much like a nonapology-apology in terms of how unhelpful it is to any conversation. It’s kind of worse because it actually expects emotional labor from someone who is already having to bring up something unpleasant with you. Think about what they say Decide whether you’re going to do something about it Do the thing, or tell them you’re not going to do the thing.  Don’t demand emotional labor from other people when you were the one who messed up.