Ellen Ball

The thing I have struggled with the most since become a teenager is, I’ve realised, being a people pleaser. I hate that I care about what other people think, especially when objectively I know most of the time a lot of the people I’m so eager to please really aren’t worth the effort. I find myself constantly asking myself why? Why do you care? Why make the effort for the good opinion of someone who couldn’t care less about you? It’s something I have consciously tried to stop, but it’s a very slow process; hopefully one day I’ll get there.

I wasn’t always this way - my parents will tell you that when I was younger, I really didn’t care about what other people thought. I was a force to be reckoned with; no threats, no bargaining, no amount of reverse psychology could bend my will. As the kids say these days: I was doing me (don’t worry, I hate me, too). If you didn’t like it, well, that was your problem. I didn’t care at all. Don’t get me wrong, I was still a kind, considerate kid (my mother’s words, not my own). But if you didn’t make a good impression on me, I didn’t care what you thought. Life was that simple. What I wouldn’t give to go back to being four years old.

So, what changed? I don’t think there was one defining moment, but school definitely had something to do with it. My mum said she would drive past the preschool and see me watching the other kids playing (yes, pity poor four-year-old me). I think eventually the pressures of friendship groups and the schoolyard politics that come into play made me care a little too much about other people. I started to trying to please everyone. Which, big shock here, never works out.

So, I’m a people pleaser. What do I do about it? Should I throw caution to the wind and just say screw it? Well, no. That’s probably not the best idea. That’s how I end up unemployed and alone. Oh, wait. Moving swiftly on… 

There are definitely people in our lives that we should try to impress, although not at the expense of our own happiness. There are good, genuine people out there that you shouldn’t take advantage of. These are the people that care about what you think of them in return, and they will make your life better, lighter, easier. Well, as easy as life can be. Treat them kindly.

But some people really don’t deserve the time you spend on them, and you shouldn’t care what they think of you. Easier said than done, I know. But you can’t please everyone, a phrase which has recently become my mantra. Ultimately, your piece of mind and happiness are more important than the opinion of others.

I have always have had a love hate relationship with auditions. Its such a weird thing to do you spend an hours at home learning the script then an hour on public transport to be in and out in 5 to 10 minutes top. Back on your merry way again. It’s weird, its kind of like going on hundreds of job interviews a year, I'm now used to walking into a room and people immediately judging wether I am good enough for them. Which is in hind sight a pretty weird thing to get used to.

Its always odd going in a doing a small section of a piece that most the time you don't really know anything about. I think one of the reasons I used to hate auditions so much because it felt like there was no secret to nailing them. I could work my hardest on one scene and not even get a call back for it, to be sent a script on the way to another one that I get the part of. It fustrated me to no end that there seemed to be no sense behind it. But as time does on I think thats just my inner control freak raging her head, because let’s face it, if it wanted to have more control over my carer I definitely shouldn't have become an actress.

Because at the end of the day when it comes to auditions you really, really have no control. You can do your part by preparing the best you can but I've had feed back before that I'm too short, that I'm not the right ‘look’ or one of me personal favourites that I had the same name and looked to much like the directors ex. Really. I know! This used to drive me up the wall until I finally gave up. There is no use in worry about what I can control I'm only going to worry about what I can and thats the work I produce for said auctions. 

But they aren't all bad last week I went to an audition that I ended up waiting 50 minutes before going in. Then as I walked into the hallway where the other women were waiting it literally felt like the scene from LaLa Land where there are dozens of girls that all look like different versions of each other. Its always weird entering that environment, as a female I've always been led to believe that most other women are my competition, especially as an actor. Everyone is prettier than you and everyone is more talented. So seeing 8 other people that all look like you can make you go into that situation with your back up. But it was like that at all, it was really lovely. I spoke to these women for the better part of those 50 minutes. It was really nice to talk to other genuine people who know what you go through. Sharing horror stories about creepy producers we've experienced our how tired we are of reading casting calls where the male characters personalities are described in full and our character is described as “lead males girlfriend. Bit of a bitch. Nice body”.

It even got to the point where when it was time to go in and we wished each other luck, I genuinely wanted their auditions to go well even if it meant I didn't get the part. I even friended some of them on Facebook because I would love to meet up with them again. It made me realise auditions really aren't all bad. I know it’s been said a thousand times but the way we try a pin women against each other is ridiculous and needs to stop. This got kinda serious, but I really mean it. Lets start looking after each other now? Yeah?

So, first of all, can we just acknowledge that we actually have made it to blog number ten? That is ten weeks' worth of blogs. It may not sound like a long time, but I honestly thought it would last a week before I couldn't think of anything to write. I am very proud of the fact that I have held this commitment (but I'm surprised anyone is still actually reading them!) “Uh, Ellen, it's ten weeks - that's not even three months”, I hear you say, but I'm still proud. It's been a positive experience writing these, and I hope it has been for you reading them as well.

But I am weary of the fact that you still may not know that much about me. Yes, last week I spoke of some of my insecurities, but you may still finding yourself wondering "who is this crazy rambling person on the internet?" So I thought I would give you a few facts about myself. You didn’t ask for it, but you’re getting it anyway.

I am a pescatarian (meaning I don't eat meat, but I do eat fish). I've been one for about a year and a half now, and while I love being a pescatarian, I will never be someone who forces their preferences on other people. I don't care if you eat meat. Hey, I even cook the turkey when I host friendmas every year.

I love lists - weird, I know. My phone has three organisational apps, my favourite of which is wanderlust. It keeps all my lists in one place, and since I've been using it (for about a year now) I remember so much more than I used to. (Disclaimer this is not an add for any apps, you probably guessed that as no one is reading this blog so who would pay me to advertise anything but I still thought it needed to be said)

I can speak danish and have a Danish passport.

I want an Australian sheepdog so freakin' much!, I spend my spare time looking at pictures of them on the internet. Sad, I know, but while I’m still renting I don't see myself getting one anytime soon.

I'm fairly certain I have an addiction to candles. I go through about 20 tea lights a night, and then have about 5 bigger ones around my flat. 

I have a an irrational fear of Cephalopods (Squids and Octupuses) Hear me out: they are really intelligent, and have you ever see the colossal squid? That is TERRIFYING. Google it. Google it right now and tell me you're okay with that. Now that fear isn't the irrational part; I actually think its very rational to be scared of these monsters. The irrational part is that I feel that if I eat them, such as having calamari, they will know when I swim in the sea and will kill me. Yes, I know. I did say it was irrational. Moving swiftly on.

I read a lot. If I'm not super busy I will read about a book a week. I'm super picky with what I read, but I enjoy both fiction and nonfiction. I actually just bought a book on stoicism that I'm excited to read. I’m not trying to sound smart or anything, my book choices definitely haven't all been winners (cough Fifty Shades of Grey cough).

I can lick my elbow. It's pretty cool. 

I was created by IVF, making me a ‘test tube baby’. I've always found it pretty cool that my parents wanted me so badly, also I enjoy telling people a team of scientists made me. Kinda like I'm a superhero with no discernible powers, except licking my elbow. There is that. 

This week I wanted to talk about judgement and the way we view others. I feel like I am surrounded by judgements 24/7, acting is essentially going on a job interview everyday and if your lucky enough to book a job you then get peoples opinions on the final project. We live in a society where you can judge hundreds of people in 5 minutes. Now I'm not here to talk shit about social media; I love social media, it's great! It allows me to speak to all of my friends across the Atlantic, and creep on people I've never met. To be honest, I still feel I should have been in MI5 because of my weird gift of being able to find inordinate amounts of information on anyone, like anyone. Really. Be afraid; be very afraid. Anyway, moving on before I get arrested...

In my experience, people have occasionally judged me by thinking that I'm spoilt or entitled. Yes, I have two incredibly generous and supportive parents, and if it wasn't for them I certainly wouldn't have a place in central London and would have to get a “real job”. But if tomorrow they decided they didn't want to or couldn't help me out financially anymore, I would understand. I mean, I already feel guilty enough with the all the ways they have helped me. I am always aware of how lucky I am to have the opportunities I have because of them, but it's not something I ever expected or demanded. But the problem is that people only see the good stuff, - they don't see the tragedies we have gone through as a family, don't realise that we would give all of these good things up to have people who are no longer here with us.

People look at me and don't take my job seriously. That's a fact. I've been told I wasted my parents money by going to acting school (something which has always been a fear of mine) by a family member, I've had friends not understand why I can't make lunch because I have an audition. This isn't an attack on anyone - I get it. I really do. And I would also like to say that I do also have incredibly supportive friends and family members who do understand. I understand this job isn't the regular 9 to 5 work a lot of others do; sometimes it doesn't even seem real to me. But I've even had fellow actress and friend call me a housewife who just stays at home doing nothing all day. (Not that there is anything wrong with being a housewife, however in this instance it was meant as an insult.) Its frustrating, because she has no idea what I'm doing all day. No one does; unless you are with me 24/7 or one of my closest friends, the chances are you don't know what's going on in my life. 

Now I'm not saying any of this because I want your pity - I really don’t, I hate people feeling sorry for me. I’m just saying that you don't really ever know what's going on with another person. One of my New Years resolutions for the past three years has been to be more compassionate, as I think a lot of the time, our opinion of someone else's situation gets clouded by jealousy; we only look at what another person has, not what they don't have. But this compassion has to be for yourself as well, as other people's voices can influence our own. Don't let someone else's view of you cloud your own; you know how you live your life, and, at the end of the day, you are the only one responsible for it.

I've been thinking about life recently. Not in a morbid, depressing way; I've been thinking about living your best life, making the most of each day and all that jazz.

I'm not exactly the poster child for living my life to the fullest; it would be pretty hypocritical of me to sit and lecture you all without owning up to the fact that I do procrastinate certain things, most of which include dealing with other humans: complaining about a service, cancelling a service, or calling up the bank. I will clean the whole apartment and organise my dvd’s before I do any of these things, and I don't think that will really change. I've been quite lucky in the sense I never really put off my work, because not being prepared stresses me out so much that I normally give myself a lot of time to learn my lines. 

But these little things can pile up, and although they might seem little at first, having to do them all at once can be jarring. I’m not trying to lecture you into cleaning up your house; the only flat I care about being clean is my own. But putting off lots of little things can these thing can affect your quality of life, especially if you have to deal with a lot at once.

I am a huge believer that putting positivity into your life will always bring positive results. Okay, they may not always be the results you wanted and might take longer to come than you expected, but they do come. So what are we waiting for? There is never enough time, and there won't be more in a few months - so take positive action! If you keep promising yourself that you will do it soon, there's a good chance you will keep putting it off until it's too late. Not to be morbid, but it's true.

What I'm trying to say is that you should do the thing you’ve been putting off, that thing you've always said you will do in the future, or in a few months, or when things start to calm down a little for you. I've got some bad news for you: life never calms down. It could be that thing you've always wanted to do, like learn a language, or it could be life changing, like quitting your job (although if you're reading this, I'm not telling you to just up and quit your job. I don't need that on my conscience). But if there is something that has been holding you back, something that has become that hurdle that you keep putting off, it's time to take a running leap and jump over it.

Whether its something you've always wanted to do or the thing you’ve been dreading, just do it. You won't regret it. The time is never right, so the time is now.

I have had enough. What, I hear you asking, have I had enough of now? Well, dear reader, I’ve had enough of the amount of times I find myself apologising. Weird, I know; there's nothing wrong with being polite, after all. But that's not what I'm talking about. I’m mainly British, and apologising is practically bred into us. If apologising was an olympic sport, we as a nation would win the gold every year. I've even been on the tube and heard “I’m sorry” thrown at someone as in insult. We love it.

I'm not saying we need to stop apologising all together. You shouldn't now go about your life without apologising and then come back to me in a few days complaining that no one wants to talk to you or work with you. If you hurt someone or make a mistake, of course you need to apologise - there's no grey area there. I have found that nothing can harm a relationship faster than someone not owning up to their mistakes and not apologising. Most of the time not saying sorry can actually makes the problem worse and makes you seem arrogant, so you should definitely continue with sincere apologies. 

But the amount of times I find myself unnecessarily apologising is unbelievable; it's like I spend half of my time apologising for breathing. I think being a woman contributes to this, although it's not an exclusively female issue; however as a woman I find myself apologising for ridiculous things like having ideas or telling someone what to do. I get so worried about being called a bitch or a diva that I apologise first before asking someone to do their job, something most men don't have to deal with; they have the luxury of being able to tell someone what to do, or that they don't agree with something, without people wondering if it's their time of the month or thinking they're being a bitch.

This week I did that super scary thing I hinted at last week. It realistically won't amount to anything, but I took a big chance on myself and very nicely and politely asked someone else to. Yet for some reason, the second I had done it I regretted it, and I wanted to take it back. I wanted to immediately apologise, but for what? For taking up someone's time? For having the nerve to ask for something I've always wanted and spent most of my life working towards? Well, those and million other reasons, but when it comes down to it have I actually done anything wrong? No freakin' way! I wasn't rude to anyone, I haven't stepped on anyone's toes, and I'm not forcing anything on anyone. I’m just asking for a shot.

So I’m going to actively stop apologising for being myself, for asking for help, or for having an idea. I have worthy contributions to make just like everyone else, and I have a right to be heard to just like everyone else. I am not sorry, and maybe next time I ask someone to do something I will just ask without apologising first. I will still probably still say thank you a million times - that's never going to change and why shouldn't people feel appreciated? - but this is it for needless apologies. I’m not sorry I’m here, and I'm not sorry that I'm asking for my share of the cake. (Wow, that metaphor came out of nowhere. But I'm not apologising for it. Look at that - personal growth!)

This week, I have been actively trying to give myself less of a hard time. I think most of the time we are our own worst critics; we chastise ourselves for not looking a certain way, or not being as good as someone else. But let's face it, most of the time people are so wrapped up in their own little world that they don't even notice whatever it was you spent the whole morning yelling at yourself for.

This week my body had enough; it turns out when you start getting a bad cold, you can't continue on with your life as normal. After a solid three weeks of being non-stop, my body went “nah, we're done for now, take a break”. It's a good plan in theory, but has really just caused me more stress - really, whats' more stressful than doing a million things at once? Now I have to push all of my work to the weekend, when hopefully, fingers crossed, I'll have a voice again. I have my father to thank for getting ill, after he caught the illness and then proceeded to touch every single piece of French toast at brunch. It turns out I can be very selective when it comes to germs; I won't drink from someone else's water bottle when they are perfectly healthy, but when it comes to French toast my mind will justify anything. Needless to say, it was not the best idea. 

So now I've had to spend a few more days on the sofa than I'd have liked, and have now watched every single movie on nowTV and Amazon Prime and read every single fan theory for the end of Game of Thrones. So as you can tell, I've been super productive. I’ve also managed to squeeze in a little work; I started doing something super scary and crazy that I'm not really telling anyone about because I don't want to jinx it. Although it's one hell of a long shot, and not really a big deal, all my future happiness is resting on it. I'm just kidding. Kind of.

But all this sofa time has allowed me to spend a good deal yelling at myself for all the things I could be doing if I could walk 6 steps without having a coughing fit. But after a while, I decided that it was time to give myself a break. What difference is a few days really going to make? I also decided to try and stop berating myself for the way I look; recently I've looked like death because I've felt like it, and the Deliveroo driver isn't bothered if I'm still wearing my pj’s and dressing gown, so why am I giving myself such a hard time?

Reality can be a pretty tough concept to grasp; trust me, I've had quite the rocky relationship with it in the past (see my first blog post with the aforementioned Jonas brother obsession - clearly I haven't always been that in touch with reality). Even nowadays my relationship with reality can be pretty hazy; this week alone I've gone from convincing myself that a part I'm interested in is so completely out of my reach that it will never happen to being so convinced that I have the part (despite not even auditioning or being submitted to audition) that I'm practically already doing press for it in my head.

Acting is such a weird business. One week you're flying high and get role after role, and then you can go through dozens of rejections. It can be quite the rollercoaster. But I still wake up, even on the bad days, with the determination that if I do all I can it has to pay off in the end. Which may be naive but hey, we'll just have to wait and see.

But I do like being a dreamer, and I really do believe most actors kind of have to be a dreamer to survive (probably one of the reasons La La Land means so much to me). Don't get me wrong, there is certainly a balance to be maintained. I no longer think I'm going to be discovered buying groceries, definitely not in my 15 year old t-shirt and leggings. But I still hold on to the hope that with hard work and dedication things will eventually pay off. It can be kind of terrifying working in a business with absolutely no guarantees no matter who you are. Do I know what will come my way? Nope - not a clue. But I trust that one day it will all sort of fall in to place, and all the things that happened which I might not have understood will become clearer when I can see the whole picture. Maybe I spend too much time looking at inspirational quotes on Pinterest, but we all have to have hobbies right?

That being said, all of these things are easy enough to write on a blog. I think we all have the moments of self doubt, when those horrible little voices in our heads tell us we aren't good enough or will never get whatever it is that we want. But at the end of the day everyone you meet has these insecurities, and that voice in your head is an idiot and needs to shut up. You are great.

There is nothing wrong with being a realist. We all need to touch base with reality now and again, but there is also nothing wrong with having your dreams and striving for them. My mum gave me a great piece of advice a few months ago when I was having doubts from being tired of never having enough money to get by. I very dramatically declared I was quitting and the came up with some “normal” jobs I would do instead even though I would be desperately unhappy, but she told me to keep chasing what makes me happy: “An ordinary life will always be waiting for you, so why start it now when you could go for what you really want?” (Yeah I have pretty great parents.)

First things first: Yes, I'm still here, blogging away. Did I forget to post on Friday? No; I actually decided to take the week off for many reasons, the main one being that I was off camping, and the wifi was shockingly bad. It was hard enough to post on Instagram, let alone a bleedin' blog post! I also was super busy trying not to blow away in 40mph winds whilst simultaneously trying to spend quality time with my family. I also couldn't really think of anything to write about - it turns out spending a week reading books and body boarding doesn't really inspire the most philosophical blog posts. Well, not for me at least.

I am actually quite good at being on holiday. Dad is home from Australia, so it means I never really have to leave the space I'm occupying if I need something. Parents are the best, right? Unless it's to go to the bathroom, obviously. That would be weird. Also, side note: why is it the second you go camping, you suddenly have to pee three times a night, but when you're sleeping at home you don't have to go once? ...Yeah, this took a weird turn. Who doesn't love a good rant about bathroom habits? Basically what I’m getting at is that being looked after and doing nothing all day does actually agree with me. CRAZY, right? I’ve eaten a insane amount of food, including the best fish and chips I have ever had (Squires). Seriously, I almost cried - it was that good. I also had some quality pizza (Stoned- the name of the pizza place, not my mental state when eating it) and a lot of Pimms; like, a lot a lot. I think it comes out instead of sweat now.

But it's not all fun and games; I'm back in London for twenty-four hours for a quick filming break, details of which will be on my ‘upcoming’ page soon (yes, I'm plugging it, but since when have I been subtle about being proud of my work?). Then it's back down to Devon for the last two days of my camping holiday. Whoever said I'm not committed clearly didn't know me. I love a nice, relaxing holiday, but I don't say no to good work. I live for that shit.

So what's the point of this post? Well, I don't really know. I probably shouldn't tell you that, as I'm meant to sound professional on this blog. But it's the truth. I can try and squeeze out a message if you’d like, maybe work hard, play hard? Spend time with your family because soon all your cousins will be older and not want to come on holiday with you anymore? Always wear sunscreen? Or, if you decided to go camping on the coast in England, prepare to wake up at 4:30 am with the rest of the campsite to make sure you tent isn't going to rip in half or blow a way? All of these are valid life lessons, so take your pick of what you want the point of this to be. Thus ends another solid blog post. You're welcome (which I now can't say without singing - thanks, Moana). I promise next week will be better; who knows, maybe it'll have one solid point instead of four tenuous ones! I’ll also attach some holiday pics to make up for it, on the off chance you're as nosy as I am!