Itās already late hour and i should be asleep, but i am not. Lately i donāt get as much time as i used to for writing so i found this a perfect moment to torture myself with thoughts of what is happening. Not right now, but in general. What am i doing with my life, what have i already done and what am i aiming for.
On the one hand i have done so much. So many little things which makes my life fulfilled.Ā
On the other hand i am 19 years old and i have reached nothing in my 19 years. Just like others i am living with parents, just like others going to school and just like others just dealing with routine of every day . I havenāt done anything outstanding. Nothing i should be proud of.
i think that a big part in my puzzlement plays the fact that i have set a little bit different life time goal than others are used to set. My goal is to be happy and thatās where all the confusion kicks in. Others are aiming for better education, better jobs and more money. But thatās not me. Am i wrong to think that the main reason for our given lives is to find happiness? Should i change my thinking and become one of the black mass?
I donāt see studying in university and learning formulas by heart useful for my personal growth. Of course we should get a diploma so we get a better job so we can have a bigger house so we can afford to send our children to school and so on... We are so focused on our future that we forget that we still have a today. What about enjoying a moment and exploring? Because exploring and finding your limits,experience and finding yourself i consider as a learning. At the end of the life it wonāt be a diploma that will matter when looking back.
At the moment i am forced to study, i am forced to accept the system which i donāt acknowledge. Maybe if i had taken academic year , i would have already learnt how to sew, how to emroider, how to draw, paint, make advent wreaths and cards. For right now i have learnt things which i will probably never use in my entire life and surrounded by people who i have no willing to meet again.
There comes a question: Why donāt i give up on everything and start doing what i like? The answer is simple- I am scared. Itās easy to give up and leave everything, but building everything from the bottom- not everyone can do it. What if my thinking is wrong and my idea about free-minded life is wrong? What if i wake up one day having nothing and at that point thinking i should had stayed in university?Ā
The greates tragedy of our world is that we canāt turn time back. Every wasted secound stays wasted. Every mistake leaves consequences which canāt be undone. And every days little decisions define the colourfulness of our lives.
My favourite colour is grey. But i am not sure if i want to see the world in grey.... And thatās the problem!