Last words

She is terrified of spiders . So when you’re out late with friends and she texts you freaking out because there’s one on her window, please go deal with it. She won’t sleep otherwise.

She is a total textbook introvert. She won’t reply for hours and sometimes you won’t see her for a week. You will take it personally. Don’t . She is simply taking care of herself and she will tell you how much she missed you while she was away.

She will get very jealous. My God, she gets so jealous. Those grey eyes will turn deep blue. She hates that about herself  and she doesn’t mean to do it . Remember she loves you. Reassure her you love her too.

There will be nights when she goes out and drinks a little too much. She will call you to bring her home. When you do , she will be repeating how much she loves you and apologising for being annoying. She is not annoying but make sure she has plenty of water and don’t let her pass out until she drinks it, or she will be miserable in the morning.

The cat comes first. Always. Don’t ever think otherwise.

And again i have puzzlement in my head and hands staying calm by my sides rather than reaching to do anything. Again i am writing about same old problems which i have wrote about too many times. Some would call me egoist, because i talk only about myself. But believe me i am not. I understand my pain better than anyone else and what i write about is anything but egoistic. My pain which i describe is a part of you, me and anyone else. It’s pain about unfitting anywhere, it’s pain about inability to choose the right path, it’s pain that i don’t appreciate you as much as i should and it’s pain that i couldn’t write about it for so long. I couldn’t because i was affected by others. They made me feel ridiculous. While they were interested in first world problems-make up, nails, money and fashion trends , i was interested in writing. I felt stupid and i started to consider writing as a useless thing too. I didn’t even want to think about it, because each time i was thinking about puting words on paper, i felt like a nerd. I imagined those people reading my work and laughing about the nonsense they were seeing from their view of point. It didn’t have any importance for them, just jokes on page that ment nothing- Nothing but the world to me.

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It’s already late hour and i should be asleep, but i am not. Lately i don’t get as much time as i used to for writing so i found this a perfect moment to torture myself with thoughts of what is happening. Not right now, but in general. What am i doing with my life, what have i already done and what am i aiming for.

On the one hand i have done so much. So many little things which makes my life fulfilled. 

On the other hand i am 19 years old and i have reached nothing in my 19 years. Just like others i am living with parents, just like others going to school and just like others just dealing with routine of every day . I haven’t done anything outstanding. Nothing i should be proud of.

i think that a big part in my puzzlement plays the fact that i have set a little bit different life time goal than others are used to set. My goal is to be happy and that’s where all the confusion kicks in. Others are aiming for better education, better jobs and more money. But that’s not me. Am i wrong to think that the main reason for our given lives is to find happiness? Should i change my thinking and become one of the black mass?

I don’t see studying in university and learning formulas by heart useful for my personal growth. Of course we should get a diploma so we get a better job so we can have a bigger house so we can afford to send our children to school and so on... We are so focused on our future that we forget that we still have a today. What about enjoying a moment and exploring? Because exploring and finding your limits,experience and finding yourself i consider as a learning. At the end of the life it won’t be a diploma that will matter when looking back.

At the moment i am forced to study, i am forced to accept the system which i don’t acknowledge. Maybe if i had taken academic year , i would have already learnt how to sew, how to emroider, how to draw, paint, make advent wreaths and cards. For right now i have learnt things which i will probably never use in my entire life and surrounded by people who i have no willing to meet again.

There comes a question: Why don’t i give up on everything and start doing what i like? The answer is simple- I am scared. It’s easy to give up and leave everything, but building everything from the bottom- not everyone can do it. What if my thinking is wrong and my idea about free-minded life is wrong? What if i wake up one day having nothing and at that point thinking i should had stayed in university? 

The greates tragedy of our world is that we can’t turn time back. Every wasted secound stays wasted. Every mistake leaves consequences which can’t be undone. And every days little decisions define the colourfulness of our lives.

I remeber when i met you, i left all my bad habbits for you. I quit drinking and smoking and started going to all my classes again. I left all my bad habits for you, yu saved me.

I remeber when you left, i tried so badly to get back into my old habits because i thought maybe you would want to save me again.

I smoked so much but it didn’t matter because my lungs gave up the day you left. I drank so much but bottle after bottle i was still so damn empty. I didn’t eat anything for days and i know you noticed. You noticed it all because you were so good at noticing but you never came back. And instead of falling into my old habits, i fell into worst habits.

I would drink so much that i would be in bed sick for days. I destroyed myself hoping you could fix me. But you didn’t and you couldn’t...because while i wouke up sick and in strangers beds, you woke up tangled with her. While i was burning out my lungs, you were burning canddles with her. And while my lips were pressed up against a bottle of vodka that made my throat burn, your lips were tasting her.

But looking back at it now i realise, you could not save me, only i could save myself. You love her and despite i wished you had loved me, i am not sad anymore. You love her and that’s okay. You are allowed to move on. You should not be blamed for what i had done to myself. I destroyed myself, not you.

The world is one big contradiction. They say quality over quantity, but then again majority rules. Mothers tell their children that that squirrel on the side of the road is just sleeping, anything to settle their little hearts. They pull the wool over their loved one’s eyes, despite the invitability of their child growing up and learning the truth. Stories describe a boy and a girl falling in love forever, and staying that way. They don’t add in that eventually a couple can fall into a routine so steady that they barely think of each other besides bittersweet memories of a lifetime ago, of lives better lived.

There are people who worship whoever is up in the clouds, and there are people who snarl at the thought of such thing. They tell you that you can be yourself, but then they tell you that rules only apply when it’s socially acceptable.