Electra's Diary

I can't help but feel a deep longing, for years ahead or maybe now, when it's all over.

Everything has become so useless.

ive lost my last remaining physical hope. i have so many public and private identities that i cant tell who i am anymore. ive become this mess of personalities that dont fit. ive become a living contradiction.

its been a while since ive cared about anything. im addicted to energy drinks and cutting just to make me feel alive. im starting to believe that its not worth it.

I wish I was dead, yeah, and I hate my appearance. I just can't help but believe that theres something pretty in this mess. I always think I'm pretty while also believing that I'm the exact opposite. I'm a fucking mess of contradictions, right?

It's been almost exactly two months since I've changed my name, appearance, and personality. It's easier to focus on what I want to get lately. The Idle Teen is just full of waiting, waiting for everything. Waiting and wanting for the Beauty Queen to be a reality. In reality, it's going to be years until I die and come alive as another archetype. I just have to wait.

Its been two (?) weeks since i started the beginning of the end for me. Frankly, I'm scared. Very scared. I wish I could just grow up already and be that bottle blonde i see in my head. I wish I could already be out of this. But this is a punishment, not a trial run.

-idle teen

Why can’t i stop looking at myself in the mirror if everything i see is everything i hate?

I really wish i didn't go through with this. I wish i would've stayed and had a good childhood. Why did i think it would be fun to ruin myself? I wish i could've been normal and partied and had friends. I never thought that i would be 16 and suicidal.