Eggshell skull rule

"This isn't me, I don't want to do this"?

Ye- es, exams are stressful. But it's in stark contrast to the peace I've been finding over the last few months. Everything is awesome, then there's my fucking law degree lurking in the corner. It's officially been a year of living in Meru country. Five years since I was in Mparntwe lockdown, unemployed and unsure, when I decided I should get a law degree! That was indeed a decision I made when I was stressed.

This feels like a decision made in calm seas.

Not one circumstance in my life is the same now, and they are good circumstances. At this rate I will be studying for another two years, and actually the study is rather detracting from them? ("Want to go for a hike on saturday?"- "Can't, I have to finish my assignment." I am fast approaching 33 years of age.)

I could struggle through more dense documents to understand a point which is irrelevant outside of very discrete circumstances for another TWO YEARS or I could read for pleasure and interest again. That part is very uncool. I used to like reading, now I don't even read books during my holidays. I'm creative, but for long periods of the year I have to forbid projects lest I get too involved and neglect my studies. It's dismal. What about a nice day of sewing on my day off not a steady stream of legalese?

I have a job which I must work to survive, I can only study part- time. I study some evenings and on my days off, but sometimes to get through it all a proper rest day will be squeezed out of the fortnight. I could otherwise work this job I actually like and throw my energy into enjoying my life. More time on the riverbank, less on the computer ye ken? I don't feel excited about a life in the legal field, not anymore.

This semester especially, but for a long time, I've been persevering because I don't like how it sounds to say that I'm quit. Eeeeveryone knows I do this, I'll have to say it many times and oh oh what will they think? They will get over it so quickly. Any time someone else says they're quitting, I'm the kind of person who says "congratulations on your freedom" and I now extend that to myself.

I don't even always like saying that I am doing it. It sounds good, sure, but then I feel like I seem like I think I'm better than other people. Or looking for praise. Or something. Whatever desire for prestige I had in the beginning is gone and I feel Not Right in the place I find myself. Lots of unpacking. I have the stupid father I have, academic family, etc etc.

Rewatching lectures at 3x speed, getting into the revision flow.

I've been wondering if I even want to do this anymore. It's not fun, even if it's interesting mostly, sometimes. I don't think I want to be a lawyer, but then I don't have a clear career path in mind- paralegal? some public service position I don't yet know? Whatever will happen to me?

I question my motivations for doing it at all. Are decisions made under the pressure of a global crisis healthy and well thought out? I wonder if the only reason I continue is to avoid perceived shame for quitting, or the $54,000 of HECS which should be for something. But then I could stop it from becoming 74?

Or, ya know, it's just that point of the cycle. Months of slog and I'm tired and it's like fuck it, I'd rather be in the park. That's the God's honest truth of it, I do not want to sit here and watch lectures on this day but I don't have a hell of a lot of choice about it.

Semester two: keep up! rest is for the weak! You can take a break after your work's in, moron, and you can use that time to reflect on your inadequacies. Hope you used your planner.