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The cracking of the egg alerts the guards, I cook a nice meal consisting of one egg for them as a distraction and run.

imagine thinking I’m quiet because you don’t have access to the premium personality package

if i ever become a showrunner i will actually do the fake series finalle followed by the true ending where the popular gay ship is confirmed just so i can forever poison fandom with the idea that it can happen for real and then they will truly never let that hope go for all other subsequent shows they watch henceforth. just for the sake of making the world a worse place

this is the fifth fucking geode ive crakced open whys its all meat

my liege those are crab rangoons

i find it funny how tumblr always puts this title line in new text posts like what do they expect people are formatting their shitposts like emails. header line "my awesome tumblr post" body text "to whom it may concern, jerks my peanits so switftly i tie the tool assisted speedrun. warm regards, the swift peanits jerker"

Apparently when i was a kid as soon as i could dictate what i wanted for christmas i asked for nothing but a 'glamorous chair' in my letters to santa over and over until my mum got tired of my relentless faggotry and staplegunned a purple feather boa to a stool for me

Sick of all the things that started out as being intentionally free getting paywalled. Did you hear they started charging for putting river water in your socks?

"I hate when the skeletons on decorations aren't anatomically accurate." A Halloween skeleton isn't the same as what's inside you, idiot. It's different. A Halloween skeleton is, like. A guy or something. It's an animal.

If Halloween skeletons had bones like ours instead of hollow bones like that of a bird, they wouldn't be able to play their ribcages like xylophones. You sound so fucking uneducated right now.

oh so you want this character to be at the end of their rope?? on the verge of a breakdown?? total collapse?? and then you want someone to notice?? and step in?? to take care of them?? without having to be asked?? okay great that all sounds great unrelated question how well would you say you are doing right now?

people aren't even exaggerating indeed is literally like that. walmart attendant $13 an hour, target attendant $13 an hour, AI dick sucker $40 an hour, home depot attendant $13 an hour, guy who designs bullets that can only kill children $160k a year plus benefits, gas station manager $18 an hour

this morning i got a spam call that just played clown waiting music for a few seconds and then hung up on me. which really pissed me off a lot

Action movie that takes a hardline "murder is always wrong" stance, but still has the protagonist kill a ton of dudes, taking great care to establish that each killing adheres to the specific legal definition of self-defence in the particular jurisdiction in which it notionally occurs. There's caselaw citations in the subtitles.

boiling an egg is so scary you don't know what's happening in there. it could be hard boiled it could be soft boiled it could be not ready yet but unless you time it perfectly you won't know until you commit to cracking it open. and then you can't go back. you've committed. and buddy i've committed to some eggs i did not want to eat.