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Whenever I have to make a difficult phone call, I always make sure to freak myself out really bad about it first and imagine every worse case scenario that could happen where they track me down and rip my heart out of my chest for daring to call with bad news. I do this for at least 30 minutes and for up to three hours before I make the call and then, yup, you guessed it, the phone call goes just fine and they're not even mad at me. And then i make sure not to learn from that so that I can still get really scared next time too.

I be like "omg, i have so much to do" and then go lay down

banal is a really good word because its like if you were having gay penetrative sex with yellow fruits 🍌

i hate when a book describes a pause as pregnant. get your dick out of the pause

one time i was making potato soup and i needed broth for it but i was out of broth. but in my dog food cabinet there was a carton of chicken broth that i had bought for my dog. now the box did say HUMAN GRADE and the ingredients were just bog standard chicken broth. it did say something about joint health for dogs on there. but the ingredients were normal. i even compared the ingredients list to some normal person broth and they were the same. so i did put dog broth in that soup and it did taste completely normal. but i did use the dog broth.

well its been nice talking, ill be in touching with you soon. i mean ill touch you in soon. fuck. i mean soon ill be touching in you. i mean keep in touching me. i mean ill be touch with you in it. Actually fuck it

I am the very model of a frightened shaking animal

ME: hold up. you see that? train's been through here FRIEND: how can you tell ME: tracks. they're not fresh, maybe 60, 80 years old FRIEND: no chance it'll come back, then ME: don't be so sure. That's well within their lifespan... and they're highly territorial

don't go into the humanities because they're unprofitable and don't go into stem cuz its getting torn apart right now and don't go into buisness because it's competetive and speculative and don't go into education because it pays like shit. Just lay on thr ground. Just lay on the ground.

when i was 10 years old my parents told me they were getting divorced and i logged on to animal jam and told my friends “guys… i have something i have to tell you” and then sent them a letter that said “my parents are getting… pie forced…” because the filters on the game didnt let me say divorce