the wigs in twilight:

super normal teenage girl moves to small town

becomes obsessed with a guy who by all appearances is in a cult

the incident where they dramatically broke up and Bella tried to go back to Phoenix but Edward followed her and they got back together but also Bella’s leg got mysteriously broken

another dramatic breakup and this time the entire family skips town leaving Bella catatonically depressed

sudden trip to Italy??? and then the entire family comes back???

Whatever Happened In Eclipse I Don’t Remember 

Bella marries boyfriend of approx. a year and a half, goes away on an exotic vacation and immediately contracts a life threatening disease

is rarely seen in public again until her mysterious death, which if I’m remembering correctly is a thing?? because Bella was pretty sure her mom wouldn’t be able to handle the vampire thing and that they were going to have to fake a death which is!! fucked UP

also apparently the Cullens haven’t ever bothered with, like, changing their names, so if anyone goes poking around they’re easily going to discover a family of seven rich weirdos moving around various overcast cities together for at least a century 

generic Missing White Woman opening that rapidly spirals into interviews Bella’s hilarious tacky high school classmates talking shit about the Cullens (Mike Newton’s Time To Shine)

Charlie (who Knows) uncomfortably lying to the camera about how of course he’s Very Sad about all of this and misses his daughter a whole lot. the crew immediately begins speculating about Charlie’s involvement.

a few scenes shot in Italy. the voice over concludes that there are no clues to be found there while a Volturi member hovers very obviously in the background for the audience’s enjoyment 

testimonies about Carlisle’s character that end with the interviewee getting distracted thinking how hot he was, including Charlie 

a segment trying to figure out what the Fuck Jacob’s involvement is followed by a montage of werewolves slamming their front doors in the crew’s faces

a brief mention of the murder spree that happened in Seattle during Bella’s senior year but quickly shrugging it off as DEFINITELY unrelated to any of this 

trying to dig into where the Cullens lived before Forks and quickly realizing that None Of These Children Existed Before the Age of Seventeen

briefly toying with a kidnapping scenario before stumbling onto a record of the Cullens in some other town that’s JUST old enough to be inconsistent with the ages they were supposed to be in Forks

“wait I think all the kids were actually in their twenties, maybe?”

Listen. There’s just something so incredibly endearing about Charlie nervously pacing the aisles of Bed Bath and Beyond a month before Bella gets there, worrying about how to make her happy and comfortable in his their home.

A middle aged employee sees him pacing and cautiously says, “Chief? Something I can help you with?” and Charlie just. Pours out his worry and excitement and everything and just gushes for like 10 minutes about how excited he is to see his daughter (his daughter!) again, for more than just two weeks this time, but he’s just not sure if he’s really dad material and he hasn’t even seen her in years and he doesn’t understand teenagers and -

“You got this, chief,” the employee - Connie - says, placing a gentle squeeze on his arm. “All you have to do is be her dad. You’re exactly the right man for the job.”

Charlie lets out a deep breath, runs a hand through his hair. “Thanks, Connie. That’s…real nice of ya. Can you help me out with this bed stuff? I’d rather wrestle a bear than pick out bed sheets.” 

Connie laughs. “What’s her favorite color? We can start there, and I’ll put together a color scheme based on that.”

Charlie closes his eyes for a moment and sifts through his (few, far too few) memories of Bella. He sees her as a toddler, wobbling around the living room as her mother films and laughs; as a kindergartener, her nose already stuck in a book; as an eight year old still missing teeth. 

Back then, Bella was still dressed by her mother, which meant that she was an amalgam of colorful, mismatched clothes, but none of them, even in retrospect, really felt like Bella to Charlie. 

Charlie adds “favorite color” to the list of things he wants to learn about his daughter, now that he’ll have real time with her at last. Then he directs his mind back to the task at present: “Favorite color,” he says outloud, “I can’t recall -” 

Then his mind flashes back to the birthday card Bella send him last year - a deep, lovely purple card embossed with lettering in silver and gold. Inside the card Bella had rambled about her day at school, about the books she was reading, about everything and nothing. 

Charlie still has the card in the glovebox of his car, and he takes it out whenever he has a particularly hard day at work. It reminds him of why he does the work he does - to protect that which is most precious. 

Charlie tucks the memory away and smiles at Connie. “She likes purple. But not the grape jelly stuff. The stuff that looks like it belongs in a sunset.”

Connie smiles and motions to follow her. “I have just the thing.”

*

A month later, Charlie’s pacing nervously again, this time in Bella’s room, with Bella there. 

“The sales lady picked out the bed stuff,” Charlie says, trying to sound nonchalant, and not ridiculously hopeful. “You like purple, right?”

Bella looks around. “Purple’s cool,” she says with a quick grin. “Thanks.”

1. Writing a story about a girl who wants something. Plot driven by a woman’s (non-vilified) desire. Truly dreadful execution but still a good idea, sort of a literary incarnation of the “he a little confused but he got the spirit” meme.

2. The fact that when Bella becomes a vampire she can still breathe but “there’s no relief tied to the action” which I remember verbatim because it fucking slapped. The idea of human physical sensations being partially defined by our mortality and the sensations still exist after you become undead but your experience of them is fundamentally different because you no longer need any of it? Extremely cool. The closest Meyer came to taking an interesting stance on vampires being dead.

3. Werewolves are immortal but they can literally stop whenever they want. That shit’s hilarious. Curse of immortality who.

bella: gutzon borglum, then his son finished it. why?

edward: and what state is it in?

of course bella being bella (”she’s always been a constant little thing” -charlie) she doesn’t get over edward, but the functional depression does wane a little over time. it gives way to an obsession with vampires that starts with some research but accelerates quickly to the reckless, dangerous hunting down of some real vampires. an encounter which she’s extraordinarily lucky to leave as vampire!bella rather than dead!bella. most importantly she finds herself suddenly in a position to go find edward, but also barely knowing where to start, how to live her new life, and not even knowing who changed her or why.

Vampirism: Super strength and speed. Getting to be young and hot for all eternity. A good chance that you'll get some kickass superpowers. You also never sleep but you don't need to.

Movies Told by Hands (2/?)