An unnoticed bruise.

A few years ago, I had a severe mental health break. I do not say this lightly. Every day, I would wake up (from maybe 2 hours of sleep at most) and feel like it was going to be my last. I was constantly on edge, shaking without any moment of relief, fearful, paranoid, sick, and unhappy. This lasted for about two weeks total, but it felt like an eternity and then some. I was at a point where I did not want to be alive, anymore. Anyone who knows me personally will tell you that it is extremely out of character for me to feel suicidal, even when I'm at my lowest. I ended up in the hospital at one point, because I was so terrified and so ill. I was convinced that I was going to die.

During that period, I stayed at my mother's place. She tried her damnedest to keep me from falling lower than I already was, so we spent a lot of time together, just hanging out and trying to make the most of the situation, which was hard for her because she had a very busy work schedule. I was in such a bad state that it was often difficult to do much of anything without feeling like I was being a burden or pest (my own feelings at the time, no one else's), but one of the few things I was capable of doing was watching movies with her. We settled on checking out some movies from when she was young, during the 80s, since she knew I loved 80s movies already and was always interested in seeing more. One of those movies was Heathers.

I had already seen Heathers once, a long while ago, and while I enjoyed it at the time, it didn't really hit, so to speak. But now that I was a bit older and could understand it better, and going through this whole mess, it clicked, and I found myself loving it way more than I had the first time around.

So, during that period of time, I kinda' held onto Heathers as if it were a lifeline. I re-watched it several times, because it would help keep my mind away from everything that was going on. It helped me escape the thoughts in my head when I had trouble getting away from them otherwise, if that makes sense. Upon every re-watch, I liked each character more, the off-color yet familiar world that it showed became more of a safe haven, and the easier it was for me to feel happy and "okay", even when my body was telling me that I wasn't.

Everybody involved in that film did an excellent job, I must make that very clear. There is so much to love about the cast. But something about the character of Heather Chandler (and by extension, Kim) really managed to endear her to me much more strongly than the other characters. I wouldn't be able to give you a specific reason with confidence, because I genuinely don't know why it was her instead of, say, Winona and Veronica Sawyer or Shannen and Heather Duke that I got so attached to. But if I had to take a guess, after having given it a lot of thought, I think it ultimately comes down to one thing: she provided comfort more than any other character in that film did. She made me feel normal. Like myself.

Heather Chandler made me smile during a time in which I did not smile. Heather Chandler had me laughing during a time in which I did not laugh. Heather Chandler comforted me during a time in which I felt I would never feel comfort again. Heather Chandler gave me peace of mind during a time in which I did not have anything resembling that. All of that, for a character that isn't on screen for very long. That, in of itself, ensured that she would stick with me for a long while. She left quite an impression on me.

Side note, I really want to clarify quickly that I also had an absolutely amazing support system during all this. My family watched over me like a hawk and did so much for me, so I obviously don't want to give all the credit to a movie or anything surrounding it, because there's clearly more to it than that. I don't want to make it seem like I was all alone in this, because I absolutely wasn't. It wasn't just my mom, either - my dad and sisters all played a part in pulling me back from the brink and I would not be here if it wasn't for all of them. Looking back, it was the combination of their help, love, and care as well as getting comfort from such an unusual source that allowed me get out of that state of mind. That reminded me that life moves on and that I can pick up the pieces at my own pace.

In the end, I made it through.

Here I am now. I have been doing a lot better since that time, but the aftereffects of the whole ordeal are still being felt and I do struggle sometimes. Not nearly on the same level as it was back then, but... sometimes.

Heathers is now a massive part of my life and it has become something of a symbol of my desire to keep moving forward despite challenges that I face. It's a symbol of that massive hurdle, or rather how I was able to overcome it. Even if my fixation on it eventually wanes (which I'm sure it will as time goes on, just as it has with several things before), it will always have a special place in my heart. Always.

So, let's get back to Kim.

Since Chandler had become such a huge favorite of mine, as soon as I started to feel more like myself again, I wanted to see what other films and shows her actress had been in. Even when I wasn't feeling great, Kim always stood out to me as someone new and different, and clearly very capable of playing memorable roles. I had heard of and seen plenty of Winona's work, Christian Slater is a very recognizable name, and Shannen had left her mark. Even Lisanne, who has not done a great deal of acting, was a familiar face because I recognized her as the girl on the cover of the Head Games album by Foreigner (thanks, Dad, for influencing my music tastes and leading me to that little fun fact). This left Kim as the outlier - the one face among the main cast that I did not recognize from anywhere, that I had never seen before, and that made me that much more interested in finding out more about her. This person, who had inadvertently helped me get through such a tough point in my life, was someone I had come to deeply appreciate and respect, and I was eager to learn what I could about her career and her life. First place I thought to check was Wikipedia, of course.

First words I read.

"Kimberly Anne Walker (June 19, 1968 – March 6, 2001) was an American actress."

Oh. She's dead.

It was like I got slapped in the face. I continued to read.

Her page was barren, not even a picture. There was a tiny blurb about where she went to school and where she died, and an incredibly brief list of credits.

I don't really know how else to explain how I felt, but my heart bled for her deeply and instantly. You mean that this person, who has done so much for me in a time of need, is gone? That I can't thank her, somehow? That she just isn't here anymore?

I did more research. I didn't get very far, because there wasn't a lot of information about Kim online. I realized that she wasn't very well-known, anywhere. Not even looking up places where Heathers was popular brought up a lot of results regarding her. It seemed that even the fans of the movie that her most influential role came from didn't talk about her much, if at all.

It just... hurt, I guess. I felt like she had been forgotten. Outside her family (who surely miss her), I felt like she wasn't getting the acknowledgement I felt she deserved.

So, for the past few years, I've been doing my best to respect her memory in my own little ways. I continue to do research, looking for whatever I can find regarding her life and her work. I try to talk to fans about her, despite my terrible shyness. I create spaces to share whatever she was in, like my little YouTube playlist dedicated to her. I try to keep up with those things as much as I feasibly can. It isn't much, but I'm trying to give her her flowers, ya' know? To show that, despite her unfortunate death at far too young an age and her short-lived career, she is still remembered, that she does mean something, that she is influential, even now. That someone, outside of her personal circles, cares about her.

Because, I find it funny, and sad, and yet somehow wonderful, how someone I've never met can make me miss them this badly. Can affect me in such a way, despite having never spoke or passed each other by. Despite no longer even being able to speak, or walk, or live.

Rest easy, Kim. Thanks for everything. There's no word that exists in any language that could accurately explain how much you've changed my life for the better.

For the record, in case in wasn't clear, I'm not trying to insinuate that I'm special or anything for being a fan of Kim or her work. I'm just some lady. I know I'm not the only one who thinks about her or cares, as I've talked to several people who do. I've seen others take steps to provide more information on her, such as people who've been working to make her Wikipedia page more full or have been posting and sharing their own thoughts on her. I definitely feel that she is acknowledged more frequently now than she was back when I first discovered her, and I'm very happy about that. My admiration for Kim has even led me to make a few new friends! And that's not even getting into her surviving family and friends, who I'm sure love and miss her dearly. Again, this is more of an explanation of how I was feeling during a rough patch in my life and how it led me to become so enthralled in Heathers and Kim as a person.

I really hope this all doesn't come off as para-social, or weird, or stupid, because the last thing I would ever want to do is disrespect Kim (or anyone, for that matter). I'm not great with words when talking about my feelings, honestly, and this post probably comes off as more dramatic than it is because of that. I'm an admittedly awkward person. But I hope you can understand the meaning behind what I've typed. Really, all I'm trying to say is that Kim posthumously has made my life better and that I am very thankful for her.