The Final Act

Hello all that follow this tumblr! I have moved to a more permanent tumbling space, so if you'd like to keep posted on my life-musings and adventures, please follow kirstieamara.tumblr.com.

Whee! Thanks again for following. See you on the other side!

Thus far, this blog has been dedicated to documenting the experiences and thought-vomit produced by the closing chapter of my college career. There is a lot of reminiscence, a lot of introspection, and drabbles of experiences here and there of the big events of this semester.

In this special post, I will explain a few elements of my blog put into context with social media theories, incorporating topics that this blog has covered. I will make examples of past works pertaining to Tandaan and music, all in the interest of further explaining the most significant piece of this final project, which I will refer to as #DearFroshSelf14.

It is the culmination of this blog, and is intended as a glance back to reassess lessons learned before we move forward and end "The Final Act" of our college careers. 

But before that...

I just want you to notice me </3

In “The Wealth of Networks,” Yochai Benkler discusses the nature of the web, and the structure behind the types of sites that populate it.

He differentiates between “networked” architecture and “hub-and-spoke” architecture. Networked model includes multi-directional connections between different websites, while the hub-and-spoke model is intended to have a one-way link between the website and viewers, allowing for less interaction.

 Examples of networked architecture are sites like Facebook where there are links and interaction up the wazoo, or even a blog that engages audience in discussion and provides links to other relevant sites (hence the multi-directional thing).

 I’d say my website falls in line with hub-and-spoke architecture. While some of the blogposts definitely relate to the audience, can engage them, and benefit and interest them in some way (like my “motivational” posts), a lot if it is my stream of consciousness and I speaking into the web. This poses a problem for spreadibility and sharable…ness.

 When everyone can speak, the central point of failure becomes the capacity to be heard—who listens to whom, and how that question is decided. Speaking in a medium that no one will actually hear with any reasonable likelihood may be psychologically satisfying, but it is not a move in a political conversation. - Yonchai Benkler

 In hindsight, I could have made this blog a more interactive experience by saturating it with memes, and advice on graduating/college. Even a few tweaks to old posts that appear to be thought-vomit could make the site more spreadable and sharable. It is worth considering a larger audience beyond my narrow, immediate network, as much of my content is general and relatable to those that I am not just regionally close to.

Can I engage you?

Then what exactly is spreadable? In Spreadable Media, Jenkins discusses how those who succeed in creating spreadable media listen to and aim to speak to the needs and wants of their audiences. And, of course, one who spreads media has certain goals.

People who spread media texts ultimately seek to:

Define Themselves: Material spreads when it helps people speak their own identity.

Strengthen Their Social Ties: A tweet to a friend about a clip from The Colbert Report is not just a comment about the show but also a reminder of a continued relationship, perhaps to follow up on an ongoing argument. Of course, given the public/private nature of many social network platforms, recommendations people make for their friends are likely seen by others. 

Increase Their Notoriety: Content is more spreadable when it allows audience members to say something to their audience [...]

Build Community: Media texts often serve as a central resource for audiences to use in creating a social movement or gathering, whether fan communities who spread these works to bolster their collective enthusiasm or a group of protesters who circulate material to drive support behind a key social issue.

  My primary audience/network consists of friends and colleagues in the GW/DMV College Asian Community, and many of my posts have been geared towards that audience in particular, as they can relate.

So below, you can see how my creation of the “Tandaan: A Legacy” cover campaign was used to promote the cultural show that I have been promoting/stressing about throughout the past few posts of this blog (Tandaan XIV). I focused on a few factors that Jenkins deemed relevant in making something sharable and spreadable, such as nostalgia, easy reusability, humor and making it relevant to multiple audiences. 

Several seniors that have participated in Tandaan had their own cover photos made, featuring pictures of them taken during past Tandaans since freshman year, covering the nostalgia and reusability factor. It appealed to our target audiences and networks, inciting interest, and legitimizing a show, in a way. 

Humor and reusability: few friends actually made a parody of the ads using a stuffed animal (Nigel the Hippo, if you were wondering) and props from the show. The humor factor came about because of the reusability of the campaign, and it became a meme of sorts for a while.

Networked publics

As I've mentioned before, this blog has had a limited, and narrow audience. However, in broadening the content and make it more spreadable and sharable so that it is not wittled down to being applicable only to a certain community (like the Tandaan: A Legacy campaign), one could appeal to a broader audience when taking Jenkins' insight into account.

With the spreadable content created, it is interesting to consider to whom this is all spreading. Danah Boyd discusses networked publics, differentiating between a mediated and unmediated public (which both act as networked publics). An unmediated public refers to a space where "visual and auditory information is limited by physics." She uses the example of falling in public - the unmediated public includes only who was there to witness it. Think physical.  A mediated public refers to a space where the network mediates interactions between members of the public - technology such as television, radio, newsprint, and the internet can act as mediating technologies. Think metaphysical. 

Mediated publics open the possibility for spreading media through to a much wider audience, with the following four properties making them prime for this purpose: 

Persistence: Content spread through mediated technologies persists, whereas interactions that take place in unmediated spaces do not.

Searchability: What is put into the web is searchable with a few keystrokes. 

Replicability: Literally copying and spreading to other places (like the sharing of links) works in spreading media. 

Invisible audiences: A larger number of people can come across your interactions across mediated spaces - for example, when Facebook shows you what your friends posted on their friend's wall. You are apart of the invisible audience. 

Take a past music cover I did for instance. 

This cover is here to stay (persistent), can be found upon a search of the covers of the song (searchable), the link has been shared (replicability), and when people posted it to Facebook, its reach extended to their friends, who I do not know (invisible audiences). 

It's the fifth cover down when "let me love you ne yo cover slow" is searched. Using keywords is important, as this does not populated immediately when "let me love you ne yo cover" is searched, which is more preferable. Perhaps using "acoustic" would have helped and made it more searchable. 

#DearFroshSelf

The money part of this post is this project. 

My blog's theme, as stated in the introduction, is about the final chapter in my college career, and that's obviously something a lot of us nationwide, and worldwide, are going through right now.

With that in mind, I made a short video in which I answer the following question I pose, aimed at soon-to-be graduates. 

The question is: If you could talk to your soon-to-be college freshman self, what would you say? 

This video, as a project, aims to get people talking about their college experiences, and lessons they have learned that they wish they would have been able to impart onto their Freshman selves. 

In regards to Benkler, one could answer the posed question across several social media platforms: Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Vine, Instagram, anything. All one would have to use is the hashtag to identify with the topic. Thus, it would coincide with networked architecture model of the internet.

Through this video/project, the aim resonates with what Jenkins considers spreadable. The aim is indeed to define myself and my own experiences, it's to strengthen social ties amongst graduates to be, or really anyone that wishes they could go back and speak with their freshman self, perhaps this will increase notoriety, and it will hopefully supplement the Class of 2014 community we have going on already. 

Alongside that, it has the nostalgia factor and it's easily reusable through the simple hashtag #DearFroshSelf14. It's open ended so everyone can make a response to it too, and it appeals to a wide audience.

Lastly, Boyd's Networked Publics Also relates, as the mediated public will be the focus audience, that gets the opportunity to interact through mediated technologies. 

This video was a little short, but purposefully so, as we know how short the audience's attention span is. So the important info is in the "about," and in the first second of the video too. 

the works.

Working on an online portfolio to showcase my extracurricular media stuff. 

I am very much digging Wordpress's new portfolio feature. 

Art and The Artist

Tandaan XIV: Rise Above was this past Saturday! It got quite intense, and feedback has been great so far - if you came out to see it, thank you!

The day was not without its bumps. It was a little bit of a mad dash to get things done, like printing publications last minute, etc. I was still editing videos for the production a day prior. It was crazy. But it all came together in the end! People laughed, people cried. And my sister even came - all the way from Toronto, while sick, just to see this show. I was moved by the support I had from PCS alumni and friends and family who came to see the show. 

Now, with the whole transparency thing I've got going on with this blog, I will say that my feelings about the show are bittersweet. I know my fellow seniors and I on the executive board are quite jaded at this point. Some credit that's due has not been properly given to people who worked so, freaking hard - but I'll see that this fact changes by the end of the year, as my last "act of love" for this org and its people, as president. 

Anyways, to the matter at hand/what this post is titled for...

So, I had a hand in writing the script. It was definitely a team effort, but I wrote most of the dialogue (this is probably why a lot of the characters are long winded and give emotional monologues). 

Looking back... it's a little scary how an artist can unknowingly put themselves into his or her art. Your work is a reflection of you. 

In music, it's painfully evident. The things you write and sing about are things you care about, or the things you think about.

In books, it's the same. 

In plays and stories you write, it is also the same. 

I didn't really realize it until a few days prior, how much of myself I truly put into Tandaan XIV's characters. And when I thought about it, past Tandaans, too, were a reflection of the writers. 

Past shows and their writers

Tandaan XI was ambitious, and filled with passion. There was a clear direciton of where the play was going too. That basically sums up our cultural coordinators - they knew what they were doing, and where they were going from the get-go, both in-play and in-life. 

Tandaan XII was family-oriented, and there was a struggle between doing what was right morally, or just doing what needed to be done just to survive. The main character chooses the moral high road in the end, though there was a cliff-hanger-esque ending.

His confusion was a reflection of what the writers were going through at the time, and though everything came together, there was something still amiss at the end of the year.

Tandaan XIII was thought out, and about standing up for what you believe in. I think the execution of the show, and the concise dialogue was a reflection of the writers. It was very clean, had a clear direction, and was a very on-point production.

This year... 

Without giving too much of the frustrating writing process away, man was this play a reflection of the writers.

The other writer was extremely resilient and a good sport about everything, but had difficulty conveying their desired message through dialogue. It was likely due to inexperience with script-writing, among other things. With this being the last play I'll probably ever do in my life, I didn't want to just settle. So I reached out and helped, and overhauled the script. I didn't realize then, that I was using these characters as a mouthpiece. Looking back now, it's eerie to see the parallels.

When it's not about you but it's about you and those around you

This year has been full of confusion and difficulty and learning. Trying to figure things out, trying to figure myself out, learning who my real friends were, and just what to do with life in general.

I redirected a lot of the energy from the hardships I experienced first semester into this play. I remember how I was struggling so hard to stay afloat around the time the Typhoon hit. November was the roughest time for me... I dropped a pant size and one of my eyes is kinda small now from all the rubbing I inflicted on it from the excessive crying that took place. I found it strange that this turmoil within me, and in the country I indirectly serve through my work with this org, happened at the same time. Because that's how it felt - felt like a constant conflict and storm raging on inside.

Because I was terrible at being a living human and leader at that time, this play was a love letter to the Philippines... a "sorry" I couldn't do more to help before because I was in a really bad place. This was a "sorry" to my organization, too... that I couldn't be who I am now right from the get-go. 

Dat symbolism~

But yes, the show has a bittersweet ending. A significant character dies, and that shatters the main character. But it makes her stronger in the end. She takes what happened and it drives her to find her passion. 

That character's death symbolized the past... I wanted so badly to let go of everything, and to no longer harbor bitterness about the things that took place earlier in the year. I wanted it to make me stronger instead. Every monolgue or dramatic dialogue was a message, saying, "Don't give up. It will get better. Things will get better. It sucks right now, but, keep going, you'll be okay." And the main character finally overcoming all the crap that happened, even though it took years and years ... that was hope. That was the hope that I'd take all this and channel it to find my passion, too. 

While it will always be, for whatever reason, hush hush that I had a hand in writing this script/contributed at all to this play besides acting/dancing in it, I am telling myself that it's okay because, I got to do it period. I got to write something, I got to make art, and I got to watch people act it out, even act it out myself, and I got to show that art to people that matter to me. And they loved it. It made people laugh, it made people cry. It made people want  to come back and do the show next year... and affecting people like that... there is no greater reward for an artist. I will keep reminding myself that though it is not necessarily credited to my name, that this was all for the good of the organization.

Tandaan XIV: Rise Above was a love letter to my co-writer, my cultural coordinators, the Philippines, and to myself - and it is my last love letter to this organization. Though I could have done with less stress... I'm glad I was able to contribute what I did. (I shall post clippage soon so you can see what you missed if you missed it).

Well, showtime is closing in. There is so, so much more to be done. I'm going to be filming and editing an onslaught of videos, finalizing publications pieces and doing a lot of last minute work (which must all be completed by Wednesday this week). I'm screaming inside. 

But I must remember these few things to carry me through: 

This is my last Tandaan ever. Who knows if I'll ever get to manage a creative project and be on stage like this again. 

What we are doing is important. Educating people and spreading awareness of important issues in the Philippines is the purpose of my organization, and this show is the best way to do it. This show is extremely heavy and gritty and will shed some light on two things that are prevalent in the Philippines right now. 

So, feelings~ wise that's where I'm at on the show. 

Logistically...

I'm freaking out a little bit about how everything is going to come together. Are the dances polished? Will the actors be off book before showtime? Am I going to be able to film and edit the required videos in time? I need to write the opening remarks with my VP, get back to a bunch of other people regarding PCS things outside of culture show, etc, while prepping for final events the organization has. Oh, my left arm is pulsing even thinking about it. 

Productivity and Mood Boost: Simple Solutions!

Are you the kind of person that has a bajillion and a half things to do, but just kind of panics and then delays everything? Me too! Until recently. Here are a few things that are getting me through all the crap that I have to do - and keeping me happy (well, sane at least) and feeling productive through it all: 

1. Wunderlist. Simple to-do-list app for your smart phone and computer. It syncs between the two, which I find incredibly convenient. Tasks that you didn't complete on its proper due date will spill into the list for the next day until you cross it off. You can set reminders, and have repeat dates for tasks (for example, a reminder for a weekly assignment). It's beautiful. So. Beautiful. So simple. And it's so gratifying to check off a completed task. 

2. Activity Timer. A Mac app that I believe you can grab on the Chrome store, and for your phone. It basically sets a timer, and pops up with a notification when time's up. You can customize the message that's on the notification too. It's super easy to use, hassle free, and minimalist. I time my tasks and my breaks with it, and use it to apply...

3. The Pomodoro Method. It's named for that little tomato timer people use in the kitchen. How this works is, you work on a task for 25 minutes (which is one pomodoro), then take a 5 minute break. For every four pomodoro's, you take a prolonged break (15 to 20 minutes). This is great for people with really short attention spans (like yours truly). As you continue to practice this, your endurance will likely increase so you can work longer. But the mini breaks really do help. 

4. The 10 Day Mental Challenge. Yes yes and yes. Basically a challenge to stay positive, stay on task, and not procrastinate for as much as possible for 10 days straight. Specific guidelines and tips are in the article (AsianEfficiency.com is fantastic for productivity pointers by the way). 

5. Controlling junkfood intake. I can't escape my love of chili fries or Chipotle. But I can manage it a little better and reduce my intake and make sure to balance it out with some healthy home cooked stuff too (Ya know... fruits 'n stuff. I drink a soy banana smoothie with chia seeds daily). 

6. Exercise. I've been cheating a little bit, but getting a little workout in daily, plus doing leg presses to strengthen my weak knee has made me feel better and less sluggish too. 

And last, but perhaps most importantly... 

7. A shift in mindset. Asian Efficiency has quite a few articles on mindset shifts, but a few of them really resonated with me: 

Inbox anxiety. I'll go to sleep with a clear inbox... then wake up with 53 emails that pile on throughout the day. The article tells you that the desire to get to zero emails and stay at zero is what causes that anxiety. Just accept that you won't reach zero, prioritize what you need to read first, and save the least pressing ones for later, chipping away at the number bit by bit.

They also suggest splitting up inboxes. I already have a personal email, and an email for my organization. I'm going to split things up even further, separating coupons and newsletters into another email so important things don't get lost in all the spam. 

Time anxiety. I always panic about how many things need to get done rather than doing them. Needless to say, it was a vicious cycle of non-productiveness. Changing my mindset to the idea that everyone has 24 hours a day, and each minute can be useful from "holy crap I only have this much time to finish this," has done wonders. 

Inevitability mindset. They title this as "achieving what you want without willpower." The idea is to make your success inevitable by putting yourself in a situation where you have no choice but to do the task at hand. For example, eating healthy - if you have no junk food in the house, then you inevitably will abstain from eating it. For me, having Wunderlist is apart of this. It bugs me so much, having stuff on the list that I absolutely must check things off. It's that perfectionist part of me. Because the list says I have to do it, I must do it.  

To sum it up, simply having a system, staying positive, focused and calm, and taking care of myself have done wonders for me. It'll take work to keep things going, but with the results I have thus far, I'll want to keep this up. While I'm just back from the library at an ungodly hour, I finished everything I needed to for today, and then some, when before this epiphany, I would've still been dilly dallying and internally panicking at this hour.

Tandaan XIV: Rise Above

Typhoon Haiyan tore its way into the Reyes family's lives, changing them forever. Forced to deal with the devastation and destruction the superstorm left in its path, they thought the worst had already come to pass. They thought all that was left to do was pick up the pieces. 

They thought the storm was over.

They were wrong.

This year's Tandaan will explore the issue of human trafficking in the Philippines, in the context of Typhoon Haiyan. In the superstorm's wake, disorder and chaos have led the masses to resort to any means necessary to survive. What better time is there for the corrupt and powerful to take advantage of weary and vulnerable citizens? 

Following the Reyes family as they deal with the aftermath of the typhoon, Tandaan XIV: Rise Above is a story of the importance of family, and the resilience of the Filipino spirit. The play will give a perspective on how the storm has affected the Philippines, and insight into the lives of typhoon survivors, while shedding light on the crime of human trafficking.

Typically, Asian college cultural shows are fluffy and showcase little cultural nuances through a love story, or something comedic and light hearted. Or, the show takes a "showcase" format, with several performances, and maybe a five minute skit illustrating folklore in a light hearted way. 

While there is absolutely nothing wrong with this format, the Philippine Cultural Society of GW breaks the mode there - it has  since my freshman year. We have focused on prevalent Filipino and/or Filipino American issues, aiming to both educate and entertain our audiences. 

This year, Tandaan XIV: Rise Above focuses on the issue of human trafficking in the context of Typhoon Haiyan. As mentioned in a previous post, where I summarized past culture show themes and topics, we found this issue to be very timely - especially considering the fact that human trafficking rates tend to spike about 6 months after a natural disaster in countries like the Philippines.

The play will follow a family of survivors and how they deal with the aftermath and one of the worst consequences of this natural disaster. It is ultimately a story about family and the resilience of the Filipino spirit, no matter how dark the times get. We hope to make the audience laugh, cry, and have a better understanding of the issues we have decided to tackle. 

This Tandaan will follow the format of the previous years - cultural dances interweaved through the play's story line, each dance saying something about the previous scene - whether it embodies the emotion, or juxtaposes it in an eerie way. 

Tandaan mo kung bakit nandito ka

(Translated: Remember... why you are here)

So practices for PCS's annual culture show have been underway. 

In the weeks between now and when I last blogged about this, so, so much has happened. The script has undergone a heavy makeover.

Everyone's feeling the heat. It's less than a month left 'till showtime and there is so much left to do. While there is excitement in the air, there's more a sense of, "Okay, things need to get done... TOO MANY THINGS, like, now."

That's a feeling we get every year of course, but this year is more intense than ever. The times truly have changed. When I was a Freshman, this org was what I lived, drank, breathed. Culture show was my thing to look forward to. I didn't have a job then either - this was my job. Doing the art and PR and such for it. And it was exciting because everyone around me was so excited about it too. 

Nowadays, all these younger kids are crazy involved with things outside of the org - which is encouraged, of course. But it makes things a tad harder when people show up to practices or meetings beat up and already burned out from juggling school, a job and other organizations.

Well, my stress level is kinda through the roof. With an ambiguous post-grad plan and picking up the slack on this show, trying to work around everyone's schedule on this time crunch, I may just pop a vein.

But we will pull through - I will pull through. It's the homestretch now. 

Promotional stuff will be in my next blogpost as graphics are getting finalized and whatnot! I'll be posting about meme-ish graphics we are likely to share to promote for this event.

(4:00 and on is my favourite part)

Okay, so this is really random, but I developed this weird obsession with Fleetwood Mac this past week (I promise this all relates to the topic). 

I'd always known about "Go Your Own Way" thanks to Guitar Hero/Rock Band - since high school. But that was my emo pop punk phase (gross, right?) so I wasn't too into that 70's-ish sound, though the song was admittedly catchy, and clearly iconic for a reason.

Then, I remember hearing "Dreams" for the first time, during my Freshman year of college. My friend group at the time was sitting in Crepeaway, and it came on. Stevie Nicks' voice was unique, enchanting. The pulsing, repetitive baseline was entrancing, and the lyrics made your heart swell a little bit.

I added the song to my music collection shortly after, but didn't really dig further into the rest of Fleetwood Mac's music.

At the beginning of this semester, I rediscovered the song and played it into the ground - let's just say the lyrics were very relevant. Then I watched American Horror Story: Coven, where Stevie Nicks makes appearances and is actually a witch (as herself. It's hilarious). 

This past week, I randomly got curious. I remember my friend who liked the band from Freshman year told me that they had an awkward history - people were married to each other in the band and there were breakups that in turn were the inspiration for the music on their most successful album.

I looked into documentaries on them, and was fascinated - mostly by Stevie Nicks' story.

And, to digress, I just watched a bunch of random music-related documentaries. A few on the history of jazz, Carrie Underwood: Behind the Music (don't judge okay she's awesome), etc. 

But chyeah. 

Watching all of these documentaries (most especially stemming from random Fleetwood Mac obsession) led me to the following conclusions: 

The music industry is cruel. So cruel. These greats worked their butts off, to get where they are. Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, Buckingham-Nicks (before they joined Fleetwood Mac) were originally signed with labels, but were dropped! it was only after more perseverance and work that they got signed to the labels that would give them their fame.

So, you have to have really thick skin if you want to get into industry. Because apparently, you're gonna lose a lot of times before you get to the top - IF EVER you get there, because I'm sure there are others who have gone through the same strife, without ever entering the billboards.

I love music. As I singer/songwriter on the side, it's my way out there dream to make it one day... but looking at these stories is scary. The fact that I'm a minority that's not exactly "in demand" in the industry would mean I'd have to work 10 times as hard... with the risk of failing too. 

That said, you have to really, really want it. Like, badly. It has to be your thing and nothing else can be your thing. You have to let the obsession with having this career consume you, make it your daily, and your one and only goal as a career (unless you, you know, open a clothing line/perfume line after you've amassed extreme fame and fortune). 

That's scary. 

Gah. 

Chills. Because as much as I love music, could I do that? Would I have the unconditional support of my parents? Would I have the willpower to push on, even after a sequence of failures, just as Swift, Underwood and Nicks and Buckingham were? And what if I didn't make it? Then I'll have spent my life working towards something all for nothing. Scaaarryyyyyyy.  i feel like some people are just made for the stage. I watch Nicks in that Rhiannon video an am just blown away by the artistry and passion I see. And that didn't happen over night. 

Anyways, stuff to consider for those really thinking of getting into the industry. You have to be prepared for the possibility of getting booed offstage, never getting signed to a label, getting dropped from a label, being poor for quite a while and working really hard, and the possibility of not succeeding, period. And, if you do succeed, you have the challenge of staying relevant and always catering to the masses and what is popular (hence Swift's "progression" from singing about teardrops on her guitar with a country twang, to having dubsteppy features in her latest music). 

My music professor told was going on about the tiers of musical success, and the true outliers. That there are tens of those in the legendary league of Beyonce/Madonna/Michael Jackson/Fleetwood Mac, there a hundreds in the tier of Sara Bareilles/Kesha/Bruno Mars, and Jack's Mannequin/Nickelback (lol sorry had to, but they do count), and thousands of great but not broadly known artists (like popular YouTube artists such as Kurt Schneider, Sam Tsui, Christina Grimmie, Clara C, David Choi, etc). 

In any case, I'm sure artists with at least some degree of success are happy - some struggle to get noticed, but I guess loving what they do is the driving force behind sticking to it. I've noticed, from my excessive documentary watching, that those who stopped loving what they did, worrying mostly about staying relevant and developing extreme anxiety about that ended up actually going crazy/dying. 

So yeah. There's the music industry for ya.... seems like a minefield... but could be potentially very rewarding if you're willing to take the risks, experience the failures, and put the ungodly amount of work in. 

Yay but future nay :(

(Regarding the source material… I don’t remember taking this video…)

(what a cheesy title)

As a leader, one must be rational and practical, true. But I think what prevents the "well-oiled" machine types (see previous post) from having the inspiring quality the "explosive passion" types have is this: they lead with their hearts.

There's that difference between going through the motions and doing something because you truly want to, and your heart is fully in it. 

Self doubt: the silent killer of passion

During my first semester, I was pretty lost in terms of how I felt about leadership. Before the school year began I thought I had a pretty clear idea about where I wanted my org to go, and what I wanted to do. I was as organized as I could be, tele-communicating with my executive board. 

Truth be told though, I was scared. It didn't help that my significant other at the time, while supportive of me in relation to my org in some ways, always had something negative to say about my plans. I started to doubt myself and my ability to run the org. 

So when school started and it finally came time to do things... I got lost. I was not innovative, I was no longer running a tight ship. And a huge part of it was because my heart wasn't fully in it anymore.

My focus was redirected elsewhere, and I was thrown into a spiral of ongoing anxiety about so many things. I lost sight of why I was doing what I was doing. I don't ever remember another time feeling so confused. 

The thing is, I knew what I had to do and what I should be doing.

Duh, I should probably reply to those emails on time. Duh I should probably plan this event already. Duh I should probably brainstorm this. Duh I should probably check in about this event/this eboard member.

But I, for the life of me, could not get my body to do these things. 

Each time I looked at the disappointed faces of friends and eboard members that knew me, and trusted me, and even voted me into my position, my heart broke a little more.

They knew what I was capable of. They knew how passionate I used to be. They were probably just as confused as I was as to why the hell I seemed like I didn't give a crap anymore. 

But I did. I cared so much. I hated myself for being unable to do the things I needed to.

A friend asked me, "How can I help you? What can I do?" and I said, "I don't think there's anything you really can do... it just has to come from me." And it was true, but I imagine it was frustrating to people who were trying so hard to help.

I think what ruined me even more was just thinking about all the things I had done wrong - org related, and personal life-wise. I blamed myself for so many things, focusing on only the negative. I spent the semester trying so hard to dig myself out of a hole, but inadvertently continued to bury myself somehow.

Bottom line: I knew I was doing such a poor job, and I was kind of a hot mess. 

Re-focusing

When my external life circumstances slowed to a lull, and my vision was a little clearer, I was able to grasp why I was in the organization in the first place. 

I thought about it. Let myself feel why I wanted to dedicate my time to it. 

I scrolled back through past blog entries and memories of my time with the organization earlier on - back to freshman year, and I saw the fire I used to have.

I stopped thinking about everything I had to do as a chore. It was not "ugh, I have to plan this event, and do this task, and do that because it says so in the constitution." 

It was, "I want to, and am looking forward to planning this event, and doing this task, etc, because I believe in the org's mission statement wholeheartedly and am committed to making this a full experience for myself, my eboard members, and my org members."

It reinvigorated me, the change in mindset.

And it made me sad that I didn't wake up sooner, because if I'd had this fire at the beginning of the year, I can only imagine how different things would be. 

I've learned a lot through this experience though, but the most important thing is this: It is absolutely not enough to do things just for the sake of doing them. To achieve true excellence, you must lead with both mind and heart.

Here are other lessons learned. These apply to being a leader, and just life in general:  

1. Don't think yourself unworthy, and do not be self-deprecating. It'll only make you worse. 

2. When you are starting to have doubts about why you are doing what you are doing, dig deep and try to remember why. The true why. Be honest with yourself. 

3. Admit weakness. If you find yourself faltering, remember that you are human and you are allowed a moment of weakness and confusion. 

4. Haterz gonna hate. Don't let them get to you. There will be some extremely unsupportive people that neglect you because you're a hot mess - people you thought you could count on, but ditch you when you need them most, and even judge you for being weak. Focus on bettering yourself rather than these external, negative voices. 

5. Realize who your true friends are. Understand, you don't need those people that only "love" you when you're at your best. They will most definitely only give you the time of day when you get your crap together. So get your crap together, always play nice, but do not forget how they treated you when you were at your lowest. 

6. Realize the effect you are having on others. Truly understand this. Are you hindering their progress because of your behavior? If you care about these people, you will dig deep and figure out how to make decisions that will benefit both you and these other people. 

7. You uplift others when you uplift yourself. So do what you must to be happy and productive. 

8. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Seriously. You're dumb if you think you can do everything alone. 

9. Acknowledge your mistakes. Do not blame others for your wrongdoings - yes, they contribute to how you feel about yourself, but in the end, you control how you react.

10. Do not dwell on your mistakes. Learn from them. But stop beating yourself up about them. You will for a while, because, you're human, but after a while, quit it. Stop the self-deprecation, you're not helping anyone by feeling sorry for yourself. 

11. Do. Do not say. Actions speak louder than words. Act on your goals and promises more than you talk about them. People wanna see and feel progress, not hear about it. 

These are all cliche, but they're all so true. 

I've realized though, learning to dig yourself out of a deep depressing hole has to come from within. The desire to be better, and to improve cannot be told to you and absorbed via other peoples' words. I learned that the hard way, but man am I glad I learned at all.

Being involved with PCS, I've been exposed to a few different styles of leadership and many inspirational humans. The prominent leadership styles I have found are...

1) "Explosive passion" leadership where that leader makes everything about the organization their priority and is able to inspire his/her colleagues to further his/her vision.

2) "Bare minimum" leadership, where the leader gets the job done, but not without several hitches.

3) "Well-oiled machine" leadership where the leader gets everything done administratively but fails to strike a flame in the hearts of those that he or she is leading. 

Some leaders are a combination of these styles, leaning more towards one style than another.

Either way, all of these styles can work. It depends on the people you are working with and who is receptive to which style, but in my opinion, "explosive passion" with a side of "well-oiled machine" has been my favorite to fall in line with. 

As an aspiring student leader back in the day, I looked up to people who really had their stuff together outside of PCS. They had fairly written out life plans that they were truly planning to follow through on, and they were doing well in school.

My PCS "big," or "kuya" (means Big Brother in Tagalog) is the guy I look up to most. Admittedly he burned out a little bit towards the end of his college career when he came down with a case of senioritis, but man was he a sight to see when I first worked under his leadership. He was full of fire, and a 4.0-type of student. Work hard play hard was his motto - that is the general motto of PCS. But he juggled things so well. I don't know how he handled acing school, maintaining a relationship, having an on campus job, and doing his job on eboard like he did.

I thought I could do that and live up to that, I really did. But when I tried to be him, I was sorely disappointed. I learned the hard way that everyone has their own capacities when it comes to what they can handle, and how they tackle situations, and even what leadership styles they employ. I am not him, and I never will be. Trying to do things his way was a learning experience, to say the least (that was my whole Sophomore/Suffer-more year haha). 

I'm now a student leader. I thought I would know what to do, and who I would be when the time came around to take my place as a leader. But if I'm honest with myself, I'm still not completely sure.

All those before me were extremely competent and rarely let their personal lives brush the face of the organization. I wasn't strong enough to wear the mask and be a machine and go through the motions when things got hard for me last semester - it made me feel extremely weak as a leader. 

Although I don't have much time as part of this organization left, I've taken to doing a lot of introspection and just thinking about who I am and what I want to do, and what kind of leader I am/want to be. I have a lot to make up for. I realized I need to assess what is feasible, and what is getting in the way of me performing to my full potential, and what to do about it.

The people that came before me made everything seem so easy. But when you're finally the one wearing the shoes, and all eyes are actually on you, things are way, waaaay different. 

Well, I've been looking to external resources (Leadership Quizzes, other leadership-related literature, etc), to help remedy my situation and give me a little more focus. I feel quite late in the game, but it's better late than never, right? 

Anyways, I'd love to hear your stories/anecdotes on leadership - what is the greatest challenge, or greatest success you've had as a leader? How did you overcome this challenge/achieve this success? AND/OR What qualities do you think make a good leader?

#halpme