goblin's first blog

Step 1: Where Will You Shred?

Y’know how there are beach cruiser bikes, and mountain bikes, and racing bikes, and BMX bikes? They’re all bikes, sure, but if you buy an expensive racing bike with super narrow wheels and try to ride it on a sandy beach, you’re probably not gonna have a great time. Rollerskating is sort of a more extreme version of this—getting it wrong will lead to more falls and greater risk of injury. Before you buy anything, figure out where you’ll skate.

Is the climate/geography/infrastructure in your area conducive to outdoor skating for most of the year? Do you live near a really great skate park with halfpipes, or a paved asphalt trail system? Do you wanna hit the local indoor roller rink with your friends and dance? Are you planning to skate for transportation/as a bike substitute, or just for fun & exercise?

Step 2: How To Look SEXY While You Shred

There’s like a 50/50 shot you’re reading this because you want me to tell you which brand or model of skates you should buy. We’re gonna get to that. The truth is that for a beginner, the skates don’t matter nearly as much as padding and a helmet. “But safety gear is dorky!” First of all, have you seen roller derby players?? They look incredible, and they’re wearing all the gear:

Second of all, rest assured, you’re not gonna look cool for a while no matter how recklessly you go about your new hobby. You’re gonna spend a lot more time falling than flying at first—and that’s okay! Learning to skate as an adult made me so much more resilient in general!—but that’s why you need the padding, at least in the beginning. Padding is the difference between hitting the ground and thinking, “Huh, okay, guess I shouldn’t lean that far backward next time,” dusting yourself off, and popping back up totally unharmed vs. hobbling home with bloody knees and elbows (or worse) to hang up your skates and never touch them again.

Once you’ve developed your balance and awareness enough, you'll be able to shed the padding at your discretion. I haven’t worn any in years, because falls are very rare for me and I’ve mastered the life-changing magic of landing on my ass instead of my knees. You can also choose to continue wearing all the padding forever, if you want! But either way, if you’re skating outdoors, the helmet is always non-negotiable. Things can and will happen that are completely out of your control, neither the pavement nor your skull give a damn about how skilled you are, and a traumatic brain injury can completely alter the course of your life (or end it).

Does safety gear make you look sexy? Depends on your perspective, I guess. Tbh, I don’t really care—I just needed a catchy heading to make sure you’d actually read the safety briefing. Sorry!

Step 3: Gearing Up To Shred

There are two main taxa of rollerskates: Quads, and inlines.

Quads are what you probably picture when you hear the word “rollerskate”—a slim ankle boot with four small, wide wheels arranged two in the front, two in the back. Sometimes they have a toe stop on the front, which is a removable kickstand-like knob you can lean forward onto to remain stationary at rest. While they’re more maneuverable and offer better lateral stability than inlines, the wider spread of the wheels also means you’re gonna go flying over every little bit of junk in your path. More lateral surface area = more opportunities to hit an obstacle that halts your momentum.

On the other hand, inlines (sometimes colloquially called “rollerblades”) have a bulkier, mid-calf-high, ski boot-like construction with 3-4 narrower wheels all in a line from front to back. These won’t have a toe stop, but some have a removable heel brake, which is a little doorstop-esque thing that hangs off the back of one skate. You can drag this along the ground in front of or behind you to slow down or stop (instead of dragging the wheels themselves, which grinds them down quicker).

Inlines generally won’t maneuver quite as tightly as quads, and they’re a little trickier for lateral balance when you’re just starting out. If quads handle more like a child’s bike with training wheels on either side, then inlines feel more akin to an adult bike with narrower tires. But they’re faster and more efficient than quads for distance skating—like, a lot more efficient—and the wheel arrangement allows you to roll right over most debris and pavement unevenness with ease.

I started out on quads—and I would still recommend them if you know you only want to do rink or skate park stuff—but as someone who exclusively skates medium-to-long distance on an outdoor asphalt trail with sticks and rocks everywhere, if I could do it over, I would 100% just start with inlines. You’ll already be falling all the time in the beginning, so a slightly steeper lateral balance learning curve isn’t actually going to make an appreciable difference, and once you get your bearings, you’ll fall way less than you would on quads.

One more thing: If you’re looking at inlines, you may notice that some models have four shorter wheels, while others have three taller wheels. The main difference is that three-wheels roll faster and farther with every push than the four-wheels do. That’s a good thing once you know what you’re doing—in fact, my go-to pair has 3 towering 110mm wheels—but until you’re experienced enough to reliably control your speed and stop, stick to four. The taller wheel height also requires you to keep a lower stance, which takes a little more stamina; think holding a 1/3-depth squat for most of your workout. You won’t even notice it after a while, but in the beginning, you’re gonna be sore enough in all your lower-body muscles as it is 🙃

SO, WHAT SHOULD YOU BUY?

Reddit is probably going to be a much better resource than me for this, but purely from my own personal experience:

HELMETS

I’ve tried Retrospec, Thousand, and Triple8. All are fine. Triple8 is the priciest, but their Certified Sweatsaver is the most comfortable helmet I’ve tried for summer, and the Deep Cover is the best fit. That said, any (properly safety-rated) helmet is better than no helmet. If you already have a bike helmet that fits you properly and is comfortable, just use that—there’s no need to buy a helmet designed specifically for skating. Triple 8 has a good video about how to check whether a helmet fits you properly (and how you can adjust if it doesn’t).

PADDING

I almost never wear it anymore since I fall so rarely, so I’m not the best resource for padding recs, but I’ve heard good things about Smith Scabs and 187 Killers. You can also find padded compressive shorts you can wear under your clothes to make falling on your ass hurt less. In my experience, there’s little difference between cheap and expensive padding sets. The most important thing is that you’re actually wearing it. Elbow and knee pads are usually sold as a set. Make sure you also get wrist guards that offer coverage for at least the lower half of your palms—you’re gonna need it.

SKATES

Powerslide has the best balance of quality and color/design options—they’re my current skate of choice—but the price point is high enough that I probably wouldn’t recommend them for a first pair. Unless you can find them on sale for a really good price, wait until you’re sure about sticking with this hobby. Rollerblade brand is a solid middle-of-the-road option for a beginner; I had and enjoyed their Zetrablade model. Impala and Moxi are…eye-catching, and god knows we need more of that in a sea of boring black-and-gray options, but I found them to be uncomfortable and cheaply constructed. I’ve also heard good things about Flying Eagle, but never tried them myself; the price point falls somewhere between Rollerblade and Powerslide, but the colors for the adult sizes are a little too dull for my whimsical ass (actually, wait, I just looked and they have now added a couple of pinks and lavenders. I stand corrected.) For more info, Inline Warehouse has a good guide to choosing skates.

MISCELLANEOUS

You’re gonna want some calf-high or knee-high socks. No-show socks won’t cut it here; your ankles will chafe and blister as you press and rub into the boot with each step. If you’re planning to skate in the dark, or even just at sunset, you will need a headlamp to ensure you can see and be seen. Some kind of shatterproof or impact-resistant eyewear is a good idea, since sometimes you’ll kick up a rock or a stick as you’re rolling. Some helmets include a visor for this reason. And once you get to the point where you’re kinda just ~cruising~, you will want a handheld bike bell, air horn, whistle, loud ass kazoo, etc to let people know you’re coming through—trust me, this does more to prevent falls than pretty much anything else.

MY CURRENT GEAR

*This is NOT a shopping list! See the above for my equipment recs for beginners. Just putting it here in case anyone’s curious about intermediate-to-advanced gear.*

Triple8 Deep Cover Helmet - Barbie Patin

Powerslide Phuzion Argon 110mm Inline Skates - Berry

Luminous LED Light Up 110mm Wheels - Black Pearl, 85A hardness

Bombas Performance Targeted Compression Calf Socks

Powerslide Finger Bell

Brightside Helmet-Mounted Headlamp

Pit Viper Admirer Sunglasses

Step 4: Hold On, Pal, We're Not Quite Ready To Shred Yet

You thought we were done with safety tips? You fool. We're NEVER done with safety tips. I’m not gonna discuss every conceivable scenario and maneuver here, just the ones that gave me the most trouble in the beginning, but for everything this guide doesn’t cover, I really recommend this playlist by Howcast. The videos are short, fluff-free, and the skater explains and demonstrates things in an approachable way.

AVOID OTHER PEOPLE

When you're first starting out, if at all possible, try to go someplace where there aren't a ton of other people around. This reduces the damage to your ego from all the falls you're gonna take, but it's also important from a safety standpoint. Safely maneuvering around other people, especially children and pets, takes practice and skill. Remember, while you have accepted the inherent risk of injury that comes with shredding, those around you have not. You have a duty to be courteous, responsible, and avoid collisions with others at all costs. Even when I've given someone every possible warning that I'm about to pass through, if they dart in front of me, I will never even hesitate to take myself down hard on the pavement and fuck up both knees rather than run into them. You should not be skating unless you are prepared to do the same.

In time, you will develop the ability to perform near-instant calculus on available leash slack to determine an oncoming dog's AOE radius. You will learn the exact height range that corresponds to the age at which children transition from carefree little worshippers of l'appele du vide hellbent on creating disturbing new bowling strike animations by waddling directly into your path to sentient beings with average situational awareness. You will learn that when passing by any creature that moves unpredictably, you should slow to just above your stall speed and get low enough that if you have to perform a controlled ditching, it won't hurt much. You will learn to eyeball a downhill grade and anticipate precisely how it will affect your speed, informing your decision about whether you should wait until that family up ahead gets further past the corner before you descend the hill yourself. You will learn to look back over your shoulder like you’re changing lanes in traffic every time you’re about to go around someone. Until then: Slow down, then slow down some more, keep your eyes open, and make absolutely sure everyone knows you're coming through.

FALL WITH STYLE

The first thing you should practice before you take a single step in your skates is falling. Getting the first one (or ideally, several) out of the way on your own terms inoculates you a little against bruised pride, but more importantly, you wanna start learning how to safely handle a fall ASAP. Falling is also, ultimately, your last-ditch emergency brake. Learn where it is now to ensure you won’t hesitate to pull it when you find yourself out of control. Your body won’t go where your mind has never been.

In order of fragility and capacity to fuck up your life if damaged, your impact points from best to worst are ass -> knees/elbows -> wrists/hands -> head. To minimize your injury risk, the best case scenario is to take the impact ass-first, keeping your hands, arms, and head up. To do that, you're gonna have to learn to override that catch-yourself reflex. Depending on the type of skates you have, you may also be fighting those—in quad skates, your natural tendency will usually be to fall forward, but sometimes it'll be backward. In inlines, you will tend to fall sideways. In either case, overcoming all of this requires you to, counterintuitively, lean into the fall as it starts to happen, while you still have some control of it. Don't try to fight gravity, don't be a hero, just pick a cheek and lean.

Finally, whether it's a real fall or a practice one, get back up immediately unless you're hurt so badly that you physically can't. It sounds messed up, but when you fall down on a bike path or indoor rink, you become an unflagged track hazard for other skaters, cyclists, and runners. The longer you sit or lie there, the more likely it is for someone to accidentally hit you or have to swerve to avoid you. Get out of the way before you start dusting yourself off or assessing any injuries you might have.

Falling is one of the hardest skills to learn. It's also one of the most essential, especially early on. Practice makes perfect! And hey, thanks to the padding you're wearing, you'll barely feel these falls anyway.

STAND UP AND BRAKE

To get up or stand still without rolling around, all you need to do is bring your feet perpendicular to one another, heel to inside arch. This is called a T-stop. You can employ a similar technique to brake, shifting most of your weight to one foot while holding the other one perpendicular behind you and gently dragging the wheels along the ground. I say gently because if you try to stop too quickly, the inertia will send you flying forward into the ground. The goal is to bleed the speed.

STAIRS

Approach slowly. Slower than that. Good. If there's a railing, face it and grab onto it with both hands. Always keeping your wheels perpendicular to the direction of travel, step up or down, moving one hand over the other like you're climbing a rope.

If there's no railing...just sit down and do the kindergarten butt scoot.

HILLS (UP)

Bend your knees and get low. Lower than that. Stick your ass way out. Good. Now turn your toes outward and walk like a duck. See? That’s all there is to it.

HILLS (DOWN)

Until you can reliably brake to control your speed on level terrain, I would recommend you just avoid skating down hills entirely. If you have no other choice but to go that way, you can always sit down and scoot your way to the bottom. That said, if you’re anything like me, you’ll probably end up bombing a hill by accident and not realize it until it’s too late. If that happens and you can’t get a handle on your speed, see above re: using a controlled fall as your emergency brake…but honestly, as long as the runway is clear, smooth, and plenty long enough, you may be better off just riding it out. Bend your knees deep, keep it as steady as you can, and get a little high on the adrenaline rush.

TRAFFIC INTERSECTIONS

Come to a complete stop, even if the intersection appears empty. Step off into the grass or dirt if you must. Note that the path you’re on probably has a slight downhill grade as it approaches the street, so you may need to hold short of the actual intersection. Once stopped, assume the T-stop position and angle your wheels such that even if someone were to shove you, or a car backfiring were to startle you into jerking forward, you could not possibly roll into traffic. Proceed when clear.

Step 5: Go Forth And Shred

That’s all I’ve got. Have fun! Be safe! Bend your knees! Bend them more than that! All the time!