Felix

Idk why people say eating right before bed is horrible for you, if I don’t eat right before bed I will be lying there trying to fall asleep and The Hunger will start to creep in and then I can’t go to sleep until I’ve eaten something. Or sometimes I’ll wake up at four a.m. and my body will be like Hey did you know if you don’t have food right now you’re gonna die?

Coming up on a year in recovery. WOW.

I’ve been hearing a lot about the fitness app Strava recently and I’m feeling conflicted as to whether or not I should get on it. It seems like a fun and supportive community, but I’m also worried that I’ll fall into the trap of comparing myself and only exercising for other people’s approval. Actually, when I put it that way, it seems like the risks far outweigh the potential benefits.

Ok so being home is definitely hurting my recovery. Idk why, there’s just something about it that makes me want to relapse. Seeing all those people again, going back to being a kid in my parent’s house…restricting just feels like the natural thing to do. I don’t know if I’ve struggled this much since starting my recovery almost a year ago. I started counting calories again today and I feel so bad, I went so long without doing that. And right now I’m so hungry and miserable but I can’t get myself to eat anything an none of my usual strategies are working :(

The feeling when you’re trying to enjoy your dessert but your mom is hashing out her marital issues at the table

Sometimes I forget what a genuine addiction an eating disorder is. It sounds silly but the thought of counting calories is so appealing right now, it would just feel like such a relief. But I know it would only lead to more anxiety.

I signed up for two races this summer! They’re both 5ks, one of them is on June 20th and the other is on the 4th of July. I’m running the first one with my uncle who is a really good runner so I’m a bit scared lol. But I’m proud of myself for signing up for these events cuz I haven’t done any actual races in years. Just another reason to stay in recovery so I can actually run and not die :)

Im back home now which always makes me feel weird. On the one hand I have a lot more time to relax, and consistent access to good food. On the other, I spent so many years in this house struggling with an eating disorder that it feels like it’s creeping up on me through muscle memory. In college it’s easier because I’ve only ever been in recovery there. I have better habits and being in recovery is part of my identity and something a lot of people know about me. Here, I keep feeling like I’m the same person I was a year ago, which is scary.