; Day 58: recovery is hard
Not gonna lie, Iāve had a very rough few weeks mentally. Today especially I felt like I was gonna blow and do something stupid, like relapse.
I didnāt! But I really fucking felt like it.
My treatment team cancelled an appointment and didnāt bother to tell me, so I hyped myself up to talk about all the things bothering me, and then had no outlet. So I sulked for 6 hours about how I always get let down in the end, yada yada. I hate how my body looks, I hate myself for ācausingā it to look like this (by fucking recovering???), etc.
Then I went to a recovery meeting and chaired (led it) because the usual lead didnāt show and we had a newcomer, and I wanted him to feel welcome and like our group collectively has itās shit together. It ended up being a great meeting, and what do you know? After 2 hours of chatting with people who share the same problem as me (our silly brains), I felt good again.
I feel silly for wasting the day being miserable, and bringing othersā moods down with me. But equally I have to be gentle and remind myself that the day wasnāt a total waste, and that this is another learning experience. Wallowing makes me feel like shit, and talking to other addicts pulls my head out of my own ass.
I get to play a solo acoustic gig tomorrow. The first time I think Iāve ever done that, actually, in 6 years of studying music and writing. Iām not as excited as I could be, but Iām not going to bed miserable, and Iām going to make damn sure I have a good day tomorrow. I donāt need to feel like shit to validate my frustrations with my team. My feeling shitty doesnāt hurt or punish them. I can send them an email and explain my frustration calmly, and I can get on with my fucking life in the mean time.
Sure, Iām struggling. I feel like I canāt do this alone, and right now I do feel abandoned by my care team. But that doesnāt mean I get to give up on myself; or sabotage the things that make me happy.
Iām gonna play a great show tomorrow, attend a writers group too. I donāt have to do uni work for it to be a productive day. Fuckās sake, I finished my Final Project today - thatās a huge achievement! And fuck me from 3 hours ago thinking I deserved to feel miserable for any reason.
Weāre trudging the road to happy destiny here. And Iām not letting some punk like me get in my way.














