BlurryLeftVision

Hello!

I'm Blurry. I'm 20 years old and a trans boy. This blog is an ed recovery blog. It'll contain what I ate in a day or my thoughts on my ed. Might contain mentions of gender dysphoria aswell. Feel free to interact, as I love my moots!

Fandoms: rdr 2, mlp, httyd, furry

I love drawing/painting, cross-stitching aswell as baking!

Attaching a picture of my little paintings I recently did with gouache aswell as one of my favourite foods, plus a sketch of my gf's puppy<3

DNI: pro 4n4, n4zis, homo- transphobes, truscum etc

today on pe my pe teacher asked a girl how much she weighed. 43 kg. my stomach clenched at the mere mention. she was only slightly shorter than me, maybe by 5-6 cm. i weigh 56 kg and am around 165-166 cm. the weird thing is, she didn't "look the part". i feel so... jeaolus. so envious. and i know i shouldn't, because theres nothing to envy. that overheard conversation made me want to stop eating for the rest of the day, but somehow i pushed through.

i have been eating rather okay recently. even enjoying a sweet treat in the form of a slice of cake or a macaron. it's definitely gotten better. still, when situations like these happen, i get intrusive thoughts telling me to restrict, and to restrict heavily.

attaching a picture of today's breakfast, im a big fan of tuna x hummus combo

i wanted to eat dinner like i usually would today, basically i was sitting and searching for some recipie and i was searching for vegetarian ones bc well i dont have meat at my disposal for dinners usually

me, under my breath - vegetarian recipies...

mom - vegetarian? are you vegetarian? /hj

me - no but i dont have any meat right now do i?

mom - do you not?

me - ...?

mom - meat? i mean... and she slid a hand on my thigh and squeezed it a bit

wiat in recovery

today was a win 💕💕 managed to eat all my planned food! i started doing more recipies 'for kids' - dinner was made from a recipie from a site like that. i feel like they're easier to prepare plus a bit easier on my ED, since they ususally put veggies into those recipies "= healthy" (in my EDs eyes)

breakfast: bagel with two eggs, avocado, hummus and tomato

2nd breakfast: overnight oats and chia seeds with protein powder, strawberries and yoghurt

lunch: baked fish with veggies and baked potatoes

breakfast: millet groats my beloved

snack: baked oats with orange and raspberries and pb

lunch: curry chickpeas and rice

dinner: avocado toast with 2 soft boiled eggs

WOW TODAY I MANAGED 3 MEALS AND A SNACK, god bless i managed to break the cycle of skipping dinners 3 days in a row. apparently dinner is still too small according to my gf but i am rather happy i managed to eat 'properly' today. i'm gonna be baking an apple pie tmrw aswell, hope my ed will let me eat some of it, as the last 3 days were rough as hell when it comes to my ed.

wiaiad (another one thank you)

tw ed, weight mentioned

breakfast - banana, egg, oats, strawberries and yoghurt

snack - apple

lunch - quinoa with chicken, veggies and red beans (leftovers from yesterday). didn't eat all of it

definitely underate today aswell, but oh well. i didn't pass one of my exams and so my ed took that as a chance to make me not eat as a way to punish myself, and ran with it. i'm back at one of my lowest weights again (gave in to weighing today), and i feel like i'm spiralling back into the whole ordeal again. i don't know what to do, i'm starting to feel helpless.

tw ed vent, disordered thoughts, calories mentioned!!

wiaiad in recovery

today didn't go well either 💔 ended up skipping dinner but at least i got to eat 2 proper meals. my girlfriend says the chia pudding is not a meal (counting the calories together it was max 200), but a snack. i don't know what to think. my ed wants me to eat less and less and hunger started feeling comforting again. i really don't like where this is going again but i feel like im helpless against it.

one thing i noticed is i eat more when i wake up at 6 for uni, compared to if i wake up at 9 on weekends. the thought makes my ed tell me it'd be the best idea to sleep the hunger away. i hate him so much for giving me those thoughts.

sorry for my lack of posting! been low on energy lately qwq

today was difficult, but i still managed to eat 2 consistent meals. i guess being on my period makes me want to skip meals more? idk, but im happy i ate something at least. i didnt have the mental energy to fight my ed when it came to dinner :(

breakfast: millet groats my beloved with banana and mashed strawberries

lunch: pasta with chicken and veggies

breakfast: toasts with tuna and tomato. i like mine crrrissspy

lunch: rice with sour and sweet shrimps + some of my homemade carrot cake

dinner: a few waffles (more than on the pic!!!)

today i also went swimming, and i do have to admit, since i started at least trying to eat more i feel like i am getting physically stronger. it was rather easy to eat today, as it was a free day = more time for myself = less chances of skipping a meal

my dad misgendering and deadnaming me makes me want to skip meals so much :( i hate how he makes me feel, i feel so disrespected and my stomach clenches when he bursts out with rage when i ignore him (it takes so much energy to react to my deadname). i feel cornered, because i don't want to ignore him but lords is it difficult.

tw disordered ed thoughts

today was rather difficult, at least the dinner part. but, i did have an excuse to go out shopping for stickers bc i made this lil system (inspired by a wonderful tumblr user that reccommended this) where for each time i eat i get a sticker. so, that did motivate me a little to eat (⁠*⁠˘⁠︶⁠˘⁠*⁠)⁠.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡

breakfast: oats with carrot

2nd breakfast: chocolate smoothie with protein powder

minibonus: macaron

lunch: my beloved coconut milk spinach curry tofu

dinner: deeply frozen spring rolls, definitely one of my fear foods (as anything prepackaged or predone is)

i figured i couldnt eat just plain yoghurt for dinner, and i already ate oats that day. after calculating how much kcal the spring rolls would be (unfortunately i gave into that :<), i decided to give them a try. told myself even if i didnt eat all of them, i tried. i did them in the airfryer, thats why they're so pale. ended up rather liking the crispy texture but the taste was a solid 6/10 (esp bc the exterior tasted like paper). i left one on the plate, i didn't feel like finishing

eating for me is easier when i dont have tasks to do. so, naturally, weekends are the days i will eat most 'like a normal person should'. following, im happy i have 3 day weekends this semester because of my uni plan, because it helps me to eat (however weird that sounds)

breakfast: sweet omelette with apple and a bit of protein powder topped with chia seeds, yoghurt, raspberries and banana. oh, and maple syrup

lunch: baked fishy with sweet potatoes and some other veggies + salad

dinner: i like to call this dish a pseudocookie. its basically 80 g of chickpeas, a big spoon of peanut butter, a banana, an egg, cocoa and maple syrup to taste mashed all together. plus dark chocolate (promise it wasn't burnt it just looks like that 😭). i airfry this for like 25 mins and its sooo good for some reason

i had a few thoughts about skipping dinner because of my 'big lunch' how mr. ed calls it, but i figured even something small would suffice. overall im pretty proud of myself today, because these were 3 proper meals.

food been so hard both yesterday and today 💔 but i managed to eat 3 meals today, so im rather proud of myself

breakfast: omelette with banana, peanut butter and maple syrup

lunch: fried chicken with spinach and carrot and pasta (i improvised this one because as I was making this dish, the things i wanted to add turned out to have gone bad, and so i found myself grating 3 carrots with inhuman speed while the chicken fried.)

dinner: half a pinsa with pizza toppings, unfortunately i didn't manage to get a pic :(

and as a snack ill eat this mini yoghurt cake, its still baking hence the picture of it being in the oven :3

i did end up skipping dinner yesterday after postponing lunch for a few hours more than i should. its so easy to give in to what mr. ed tells me, but what i found helps is just distracting myself for a moment, and then eating/preparing food.

lunch was SO difficult today

my parents argued and there was a very awkward atmopshere at the table. usually i would just wait with my food on the plate till they ate, eat a tiny little bit and as they're gone just throw the food out. today i did tell myself i am in recovery so i should eat, even if it's small. i started with plain noodles which my mom already put on my plate, i ate maybe 5. then i added the sauce and very slowly ate, forcing back my tears. only as they left was i able to physically finish the meal in a slow pace.