e~rosewood

They had tried to grope me before but I told them no. They are a lot bigger and stronger then me.

When I said no before they immediately sat upright and ignored me. My poor metal health forces me to need approval from everyone. My fear of rejection caused me to tell them that this last time was okay.

My words may have been "okay" or "yes", however I froze. I did not move, I sat there while they did what they wanted, I didn't let them into my pants but.....I still felt extremely violated. I never reacted, I didn't reciprocate, I sat and tried to watch TV and ignore what was happening.

At the end of the night they smiled and told me "Its fun and exciting, it's what friends do."

I drove home in slience, I took off my shirt and bra and still can't wear them. I stood in the shower and cried not wanting to touch any part of my skin.

I know what I should have said, I wish I was strong enough to have said no. To have gotten up and had left. I also wish that they noticed I was afraid, that I was frozen in fear.

Maybe things would have been different, maybe we still would be friends.

It has caused me to second guess any physical contact with people, it affected the way I let my ex touch me. The way I want to show affection to my partner. I am afraid, I am confused.

It has made me lose faith in the fact that people are just being nice to me just to be nice. I'm worried that they want more, that they'd rather grope my chest then to enjoy time with me. Rather stare are my nipples and claw at them then speak with me.

I should have known years ago

I should have seen it, noticed it,

I did, but I ingored it, which wasn't fair to you

I pushed because I wanted to be happy, that was always my end goal,

You made me so happy, then it shifted, it changed

I should have seen it then

I should have known

I could see it but I ignored it, because I had no where else to go.

You were it, the one, my soul mate and here we are, me alone, my heart busted into a billon pieces.

I need to know how to pick it up, I know you hurt too. I just hate how you have someone to help, I was always there to help, to pick you up.

I do not

It hurts because it was you who held me, who made me believe

Not anymore

I had a future, a plan, a life to live and share together

I no longer do

I have to start over and you do not. It hurts so fucking much. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm heartbroken, I feel used and discarded.