Dysfunctional Roommates

Scene - Roommate is playing Stardew Valley. Topic of conversation is Sebastian, one of the characters in the game.

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Me: He looks like you! Purple hair that's more on one side.

Roommate: No he doesn't - he has black hair!

Me: Your computer is black, compare that against his hair - his is purple!!

Roommate: Noooo, anyway my hair is blue! *holds up a lock of her hair*

...

*looks at it*

.... okay so this bit is purple but at the top I'm blue!!!

When you plan to go out to be social and end out acting like an old couple

Roommate: Are we going out for a meal or drinks

Me: Meal!

Roommate: Is it just going to be us or are we going to invite people?

Me:... *pisses self laughing, and we share a look acknowledging the couple-ness of that sentence*

Me: ... Do you want to go to Yo Sushi?

Roommate: I was just about to fucking say that! ... Or we could be more interesting.

Me: What about Wagamama?

Roommate: *didn't hear properly* Wagawowo?

Me: xD!!!!!

Roommate: Wagamomo?

Me:.... *typing this down*

When you still get surprised about how much you actually know about each other.

Scene: On another group chat a friend broke her toe and I (text on right) said how AD had also broken her toes before... then this msg came through:

aries: jumps into bed and hurts a part of their body, promptly asks "did you see that?"

taurus: labels everything in the shared fridge as "mine," shares it anyway

gemini: accidentally slams door at 3 in the morning, apologizes loudly

cancer: is never home due to how many things they are involved in, is only home to eat ramen and binge watch netflix

leo: rearranges everything in the shower according to how much soap is left in the bottle

virgo: does homework due in a month, questions your work ethic

libra: orders a pizza with everything on it to make sure they didn't miss your favorite topping

scorpio: falls out of bed in hysterics and complains about all the cute people on campus

sagittarius: spends the time they should be studying watching old youtube memes

capricorn: is silent for hours, and suddenly screams "FUCK" about forgetting something that they were supposed to do two hours ago

aquarius: looks up from laptop on a sunday night and shakes their head silently before getting back to whatever it was they were doing

Today in one of our lovely conversations, my roommate asked me where Birmingham is, as she’s “never been” -

Me: ... You’ve been to Birmingham - we went 2 years ago to that photography convention.

Roommate: did we?!

Me:.... did you just get onto a train with me, without actually knowing where we were going?!

Roommate: You seemed to know what you were doing so I just kind of followed you!

Roommate: Yeah... or we can just go to the same care home.

Me: God no.

Roommate: I will put that in my will.

(Moment of silence)

Roommate: *makes happy noise*

Me: What?

Roommate: I thought I ate all the porn but I've just found another one!!

Me: EXCUSE ME?!

You at some point stop finding things to talk about.

Me: So have I told you about the time I broke my broth-

Roommate: Yes

Me: Or when I got stuc-

Roommate: Yes

Me: O-