duppy gyal

All of my favourite characters died

Gold, Silver, and Bronze!🥇🥈🥉

When I saw that scene in the theaters with my father, I was pretty shocked at first, but glad that James Cameron showed this scene, and I'll explain why after.

I still remember, I saw my dad's eyes were shining, and I teasingly asked "you crying ?" cause seeing your dad cry over a movie isn't something you usually see, though my dad doesn't hide himself much when he does so. He seemed to say yes, and then the scene crashed me too.

I did, because I went through suicidal thoughts. When I was 19, I had suicidal thoughts, ideas of me getting hurt or dying, at least once a day, for over a year. I imagined all the ways I could die, from sickness, from getting killed in the streets or doing it myself.

Did I try ? Yes. Twice. And the second time was after a huge argument I had with my mother. We were on vacations, and I ended up in tears on my own, and tried a dozen of times to cut myself but the knives were (fortunately ?) not sharp enough. Though I went back for more and tried again many times. All I can say about it is that I felt dissociated from reality. My body was acting on his own and my brain was in so much pain, its only goal was self-destruction to stop it.

I ended up crying in the theater because it suddenly reminded me of that dark day that still lingers in a corner of my head. I'm talking about it now because I feel like I need to, and this scene is the push I needed.

I can't talk about it to my mom, of course, because I don't want her to feel guilty, or believe I want to make her feel guilty. Talking about it with her would most likely not do anything good at all, so I'd rather talk about it somewhere else, and what better way than to share it here on the internet, right ?

I thought maybe that could help people. Because when you're in that state of mind, you're convinced you're alone, so having someone talk about their experience may help. And I know, even if you know people live the same, you still feel alone cause it's you against yourself, but to know it's not your fault and that many, (too) many people live that can make you feel less lonely nonetheless.

I'm grateful for James Cameron to put this scene because I felt seen, I felt less lonely, and I felt like this was me for a second, shown to a million people, and maybe having a tiny bit of their compassion. Maybe it sounds self centered, but you know how it is, when a character is representing something about you that you can't talk about.