Ink

Sure! This is mostly in response to this post and the tags on this longer one. I'll admit that it's very vibes-based and personal, but the signature tell of obsessive compulsive disorder is whether a character seems to have invented a Special Rule for themselves that Must Be Followed, a rule which usually doesn't necessarily apply to everyone else but absolutely applies to themself. Sayaka Miki seems kind and selfless at first glance, and she does display kindness and selflessness, but her actions are very reckless and thoughtless; even if she believes to be acting in the service of others, she is first and foremost following a Special Rule that she made up, which is that she needs to be the one who can save them or protect them from harm. Failure to follow this rule is met with severe anxiety, fear, and self-loathing. If she cannot save someone that she cares about, she has not just failed by her own definition, but she has broken her Special Rule. This absolute and obsessive adherence to this Special Rule is what first compels her to save Madoka by becoming a magical girl, what compels her to spend her wish on saving Kyosuke, and what compels her into pursuing Familiars so devoutly (because she wants to save everybody, no matter what, even if it's to the detriment of her soul gem as Kyoko Sakura points out). And of course, when Sayaka Miki is obviously unable to prevent any and all possible harm from befalling those around her, despite those powers, and when her strict adherence to her Special Rule isn't necessarily rewarded in the way that she would hope, the despair is so immense that it corrupts her soul gem into a grief seed. I can't imagine what that's like. Haha. hah.haaaha.

I think that this despair goes even further beyond the feeling of foolishness that Kyosuke didn't necessarily reciprocate her romantic feelings-- it is a despair at realizing that even if she did Everything Right, she still cannot control for the outcomes that she wants or the outcomes that she feels certain "should" happen from trying her hardest. Like I explain in the posts above, Homura's time loop is possibly the single best and most succinct depiction of what obsessive compulsive disorder feels like to me that I've seen in fiction-- the difference between Homura and Sayaka is that Homura is actually literally in a time loop whereas I think Sayaka just feels like she's trapped in one metaphorically and mentally. Yknow, like I do.

In short, this specific scene made me have to get out of my chair and stare at a wall.

nightmare foxy 🦊