Dulcis Memoria

“Forgive my fingers for when they find your body they will lose themselves.”

“The other day, you walked by me with your friends and I could feel the pity in your stare. Don’t you do that. Don’t you look at what I had for you and call it weak. Not when you were the one afraid of it.”

“I read a poem the other day about how our liver replaces itself after 5 months, our lungs after 3 weeks and our skin after 27 days I laughed about how absurd such facts were because it has been 7 months and I can still feel your presence in my body your kisses on my hips and your breath on my neck and trust me I tried to kill as many cells as I could after you left to try to get you the fuck out of my veins I poisoned my liver nearly every day with cheap alcohol and smoked so many cigarettes I heard my lungs begging me to stop the other night and I let too many boys undress me and touch my skin with their dirty dirty hands simply because I hoped their presence would force your ghost to get out of my bed out of my life and out of my mind but still I can hear the echoes of your footsteps as you are running in my brain and it is driving me insane because when I was 7 years old my father took me fishing and made me promise I’d never let anyone get under my skin yet here I am 13 years later destroying myself to try to forget how you destroyed me after telling me for a year how much you loved me and I can’t help but imagine how horrified my father would be to see his baby girl killing herself slowly but what he could not understand is that if I drink too much or smoke too much it is only to stop your ghost from growing and growing like the cancer that took him away.”