Comedy for Hire

1. A Delta airplane dumped jet fuel on a playground full of children. Who knew there was a place you could take your kids that was dirtier than a McDonalds’ ball pit?

2. Cory Booker suspended his campaign for president this week and while he has yet to endorse any of the remaining democratic candidates, all of the remaining candidates endorse his departure.

3. General John Raymond was sworn in as the first commander of the newly created space force, which is great because it solves zero of the real current problems facing our country like Iran or climate change.

1. As more states legalize recreational marijuana, the environmental mantra of #GoGreen is taking on a whole new meaning.

2.  DNA tests have revealed that a body which was found in a cave 40 years ago is an outlaw who was killed in 1916. So for those of you out there missing loved ones, just know that people are on the case, but they might not find out what happened for 104 years.

3. Disgraced former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich sent a letter criticizing House Democrats for impeaching President Trump. Given Blagojevich’s experience with being charged with multiple political corruption charges, the letter comes as a ringing endorsement... of Trump’s guilt.

4. Former NBA commissioner David Stern died at age 77 over complications of a brain hemorrhage.  One might say that when it comes to taking care of his health, Stern dropped the ball.

5.  Wildfires are raging in Australia as a result of climate change. In order to help combat the fires, citizens of Australia are praying for rain and thunder, down under.

1. Former Vice President Joe Biden is currently at the top of the polls for the Democratic nomination in Iowa, while all of the women he’s given back-rubs to are at the top of his poll.

2. A hotel in Michigan is offering free lodging to women looking to get an abortion. It’s nice to know that the women will have a place to stay even if the zygotes don’t.

3. Speaking of the drastic abortion laws being implemented in several states recently, many artists have called for the movie industry to boycott Georgia 

4. Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger got married this weekend and despite this new relationship becoming official, people predict that Pratt’s relationship with his ex-wife Anna Farris will continue on in an Infinity War.

5. The hit NBC comedy “The Good Place” will end after season 4. Upon hearing the news, the show’s main actress Kristen Bell was left Frozen.

6. Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk have officially broken up, proving that unlike Cooper’s film, their relationship was not Limitless.

7.  A resident in Arkansas recently said “We owe Al Gore an apology” after climate change recently caused record tornadoes and flooding in the area. With regard to the vote count in Florida however the person had no comment.

1. There are new reports that groups in Virginia are pushing back against Amazon’s headquarters the same way New York pushed the company out. After getting more details about the exorbitant tax breaks Amazon is receiving residents decided to cancel their Prime Memberships, permanently.

2. An Amazon cargo airplane crashed in Texas the other day, showing that successfully landing aircraft is apparently one area where Amazon can’t deliver.

3. A comedian who plays Ukraine’s president is currently leading polls in the country’s presidential race. If this is any indication of global politics, the next person to announce their candidacy for President of the United States will be Alec Baldwin.

4. R. Kelly posted bail today and is now awaiting trial. Meanwhile his victims are awaiting Kelly’s sentencing and hoping to see his next rap opera, Trapped in the Clink.

5.  Speaking of R. Kelly, while a friend of his posted bail for him today, several campaigns were removed from GoFundMe after fans tried to raise money to get Kelly out of jail. After the campaigns were removed, they popped up on another crowd-sourcing site called GoFundPee.

6. A new study found that annual stool samples may be just as effective as a colonoscopy, which led women everywhere to say “even doctor’s agree that it’s better for stuff to come out of butts rather than go in them.”

7. Walmart announced that it is eliminating its greeter positions, many of which are filled by workers with disabilities. When asked about the decision, Walmart said, “we’re sad to say that today our prices aren’t the only things we’re rolling back.”

1. The Halloween reboot, starring Jamie Lee Curtis made more than 77 million dollars its opening weekend. Curtis is now promoting the movie as an alternative to Activia, insisting it will scare the crap out of people.

2. Speaking of poop, a recent study found micro plastics in the stool samples of people from several countries and believe it or not, the plastics are affecting everyone, not just people who have done a TidePod challenge.

3. After ordering just two waters, a man left his female server a $10,000 tip. Authorities are now investigating why Donald Trump is paying her to keep her quiet.

4. Donald Trump said the GOP is planning to give middle-income people a 10% tax cut. If Trump keeps up at this pace, he’ll be cutting more than an emo teenager listening to My Chemical Romance.

5. An intoxicated passenger who was filmed fighting with Jet Blue staff at an airport. The man said that he felt intimidated by the staff and although he wanted to get on the plane, he had to trust his fight or flight instincts.

6. President Trump is in Texas campaigning for Ted Cruz and after calling him “Lyin’ Ted” on the campaign trail, Trump has given Cruz the new nickname “Beautiful Ted” which instantly led to Trump unofficially nicknaming himself “Deceitful Donald.”

I wrote these on the 14th and never posted, my bad.

1.  Bill Coors, former chairman of the company that makes Coors light, passed away this weekend. Despite the rumors, it was determined that the cause of his death was not silver bullets.

1. The spin-off of Roseanne killed off her character saying she overdosed on opioids. People liked that the plot was realistic since it wasn't too far off from how Roseanne killed her career.

2. A new study suggests that climate change could cause the price of beer to double. Economists are warning that the increase will significantly increase the government budget now that Brett Kavanaugh is on the Supreme Court.

1. It was recently discovered that photos from Donald Trump’s inauguration were edited to make the audience look larger than it actually was. Rumor has it Trump has used this trick before to make things look bigger... like his tiny, tiny... hands

1. After the recent op-ed detailing how White House officials are actively trying to stop the president, Senator Rand Paul suggested the president use a polygraph test to find out who wrote it. Since the president won't know how to read the results, the officials trying to stop the president are planning to use the tests to convince the president that he wrote the op-ed himself.

2. Whole Foods workers recently revealed plans to unionize after Amazon bought the company last year. After hearing about the plans to unionize, Amazon is now giving Whole Foods employees who plan to unionize same-day delivery... To the unemployment line.

1. Big and Rich singer John Rich, in protesting Nike's choice of Colin Kaepernick as the new face of its #JustDoIt campaign said "Reebok here we come” which is obviously a lie, because we all know the shoe of choice for doughy white guys like Rich is New Balance.

2. A Russian space agency says that a hole was deliberately drilled into the International Space Station. If this is true, experts believe that it could lead to... Star Wars! And now Space Force doesn’t look so dumb after all...

1. A district attorney in L.A. County declined to charge Kevin Spacey amid allegations of sexual abuse. The DA said he refused to press charges because building a case against Spacey would be a House of Cards.

2. Nike recently announced that former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick, who is known for protesting the treatment of minorities during the national anthem, will be the face of its new ad campaign. When asked why they chose Kaepernick a Nike official said “he’s exactly what we kneeded.”

1. A new study suggests that 83% of the world’s tap water contains plastic fibers. Finally, you don’t have to be a real housewife to fill your body with plastic.

2. Apparently after drinking too much four-loko a couple in Florida had sex on the beach near children . While Hurricane Irma may be storming Florida’s beaches in a few days, hurricane sperma was hitting that day.

3. The manufacturer of Legos is cutting 1400 jobs. While deeply saddened by the event, the company plans to make millions of dollars on the Lego Movie about the firings.

4. Jon Legend is casting Trump supporters for a music video and when asked what types of actors he was looking for he said “the fatter the better.” After hearing this request rumor has it Chris Christie is number one on the callback list.

5. Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes are in the news after the couple was seen holding hands on the beach. The couple was later photographed drinking four loko…

1. Ten Freshmen had their admission to Harvard revoked for sharing offensive memes. While this is bad news for the kids, things are looking better for them already as they’ve announced that they’ll all be running for president in 2020.

2. Today Apple announced its new Siri-Enabled smart home speaker the Home Pod which will be available in December for 350 dollars. If you can’t wait until December or don’t have 350 dollars don’t worry, because you can go to Starbucks TODAY and they’ll say your name wrong for just five bucks.

3. A man in Canada was photographed mowing his lawn while a large tornado was just a few hundred yards away. When asked why he didn’t go inside given the looming threat the man said "my in-laws were in town so I figured I had a better chance outside!”