Memoirs

I screamed and begged for him to hit me, to make me feel anything. I needed solace, but my words spit chaos. His pupils were dilated, and I knew the storm had already come. I knew that the clouds would weigh heavy and wouldn't dissipate until sunrise.  My heart was cracking under the pressure, my ribs were cranked open, and ever so carefully he put the scapul to my skin and drug it across my chest. I felt life seep out of me. I felt everything, and nothing. And all he had to say was, "you turn bright skies grey and you'll never understand what it is to be whole"

I used to believe that the ocean would take me where I needed to be But now I'm lying here tangled up in these sheets This place was a home until I let you walk through the door I've been left to sit and wonder when you'll be back but deep inside I know that you're never coming back.

Battles of the heart have slowly turned to battles in the head, even the most romantic hearts can become dead.

You could care less about losing me, yet I’ve lost almost all of me in your devilish stare..

I am sorry for what I did to you in the past, but using it as an excuse to hurt me is not sufficient. It is weak.. It is powerless, and I don’t hold you to the standard I once used to because hurting me has become one of your favorite games to play. And I’m done with it, I don’t want to be done with you but if you’re unwilling to change.. I might have to be. This does not measure my love for you or how badly I wanted to own puppies with you and travel the world with you… this does not amount to my feelings for you, but it does amount to my worth and I’m worth more than that. and if you don’t agree then walk out the door.

My minds grown tiresome, I've begun feeling less, therefore writing less.I am tired, I am somber.

True heartbreak isn't sobbing on the bathroom floor hoping the love that existed will return. It is not the heaves over the kitchen sink, it is not the dried out tear ducts or the red burn of the eyes. True heartbreak exists after these things, It is truly heartbreaking. It is silently crying and wiping away tears to hide any emotion that might indicate something is wrong. True heartbreak exists when the silent screams are constantly heard but often ignored, it is dark, it is lonely. Imagine it something like a broken vase beautiful and intricate; special. The glue that once held everything together is starting to seep from the cracks that were created with every fault and ditch which existed in our relationship and I was trying to keep everything together but slowly watching it fall apart. Heartbreak is trying to make things right and hold together what is left only to be forced to watch it fall apart. It is that extra space between the last step and the floor when you think another step is present ... It is absolutely terrifying .. It is absolutely empty.

For the first time in my life I have nothing to write, all I can do is cry.

Here's your chance .. Tell me everything ..tell me every gory detail of your life. Tell me how you only love me when you're in my presence but in my absence I am nothing but a figment of your imagination. Am I present or am I simply the past? Are we nothing or are we everything?

Man I wish I could sleep but I can’t til I tell you this… I love you, I am in love with you. I know that I can be a gigantic pain in the ass, overbearing, and annoying. I’m trying to work on those things but know it all comes from love. I give you space because you need it and I get that .. I understand, and I know I'm kinda fucking that up right now but after this piece I’m out and won’t bug you until you want to talk to me. I get that things upset you and you hate me sometimes ( trust me the feeling is normal) and sometimes you want nothing to do with me and that’s totally cooll, but I will let you know that there isn’t a day or night I will let you go to bed without me telling you I love you. I don’t care if you hate me or want to smack my bitchass..I just want you to know that you’re loved entirely and completely and when you’re mad I want you to know that I love you. If you’re sad I want you to know I love you, if you’re plagued with anxiety I want you to know you are loved. I want you to feel it in your bones.. I want you to feel loved regardless of the distance or the anger that might be between us. I just want you to never go a single day without being told you are loved inside and out. So yeah I love you even though you’re being a brat and won’t say it back right now I just love you now, tomorrow, a month from now , and forever.. I love you baby and even though you’re upset I never once fucked you over today. I never stopped thinking about you .. Even when you were upset or being mean to me..I still loved you regardless.. I guess I’ll be here waiting for your next move. Take your time.. I will always have time for you.

Sometimes no matter how hard it may be we have to distance ourselves from the people we love to allow them to heal. We have to allow them to be angry or frustrated. We all have storms brewing in us and sometimes it takes a hurricane to realize how beautiful the sky is after the storm.

We met 17 weeks, or 3 months and 29 days ago.. Or 121 days ago. I didn’t think that it was going to be anything serious I didn’t think I would fall in love with you 121 days ago .. I fell in love with you 93 days, 4 hours, and 48 minutes ago.. I fell hard and completely .. I realized about 8 hours ago that I really want to make this work more than before ..I remember our first kiss, I remember our first I love you’s, I remember the first time we had sex, I remember our first real fight and I remember the dates and times of all of these things .. I haven’t done that with anyone else that’s how I know I truly love you.. I don’t care about anniversaries I care about the firsts and the memories we have shared no matter how little I cherish you everyday not on a given day … Anniversaries are meant for people who exist ..not live.. And I am alive when I am standing next to you.

I let you walk away..You wanted out...you don't love me anymore. So, I did the hardest thing and let you go...I sat in silence and watched you walk out the door.. I  promised you I'd never make you stay the next time you wanted to leave.. I kept that promise. Iloveyou, please come back.

Well he has a lot of tattoos I think the last time we counted it was 30, long glorious hair that is sometimes dyed pink, He is smart and witty and a lyrical mastermind.. Give him two things he can work with he can do it guaranteed ! He is gentle and warm and he loves so much.. Its ridiculous how much this kid fucking loves and cherishes the relationships he has. A lot of people don’t get to see who he really is and I am so blessed that I can say I know him inside and out. He is everything I have ever dreamed of in a boyfriend and he is so amazing I can talk about how he holds the universe in his hands and how we a connected like constellations when I am here and he is there.. The beauty of the storms that rage in his head and the galaxies he keeps locked within his eyes. He is so special and amazing and I love him entirely and completely.. You wanted a description heres a paragraph that could’ve turned into pages.