&& ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴏ ɪ ᴀᴍ

i decided to make a meme out of all the shit i say regularly. enjoy!

GENERAL SHIT. 

❝ I’M GONNA MCFREAKING LOSE MY MIND. ❞

❝ I’m going to shove an entire baseball bat down my throat and smash my insides. ❞

❝ *aggressive finger guns* ❞

❝ *high pitched screeching* ❞

❝ That’s where you’re right, kiddo. ❞

❝ I AM THE ONE THAT WEIGHS A TON DON’T NEED A GUN— ❞

❝ HECK. ❞

❝ GOTTA FUCKING BLAST. ❞

❝ That’s my cue to blast outta here. ❞

❝ GOT ME MOTHERFUCKING MCSHOOK. ❞

❝ Thoroughly shooken. ❞

❝ LISTEN— ❞ 

❝ Trust me, I’m a professional. ❞

❝ I’m gonna throw myself off of a fucking bridge. ❞

❝ I’m convinced I was a cat in a past life. ❞

❝ Inject caffeine directly into my veins, please. ❞

❝ I literally have a ‘white people voice’ for when I’m being polite. ❞

❝ I sound like a fucking twelve year old. ❞

❝ I got a tiny ass head. It’s like a fucking golf ball. ❞

BITTER SHIT.

❝ _____ is the literal bane of my existence. ❞

❝ I hate you. …I’m kidding. ❞

❝ Yeah, well, he’s/she’s/they’re a manipulative cunt, so. ❞

❝ I’m gonna punch you in the fucking mouth. ❞

❝ I’m small and bitter like an espresso. ❞

❝ I am Denatonium benzoate, aka the most bitter substance on the planet. ❞

❝ *facepalm* ❞

❝ *frustrated groaning* ❞

❝ I hate _____ with every fiber of my being. ❞

❝ I will kick your fucking ass. ❞

❝ Don’t you fucking dare. ❞

❝ I get it, I’m fucking short. ❞

LOVEY SHIT.

❝ You mean a lot to me. Like, seriously, a fucking lot. ❞

❝ I do it because I love you. ❞

❝ *fondly* Fucking nerd. ❞

❝ *fondly* Dumbass. ❞

❝ You are my absolute favorite person. ❞

❝ *heart eyes* ❞

❝ Don’t even fucking think about leaving without giving me a hug. ❞

❝ *whining noises and grabby hands* ❞

❝ There he/she/they go(es), the love of my life. ❞

❝ It’s literally unfair how attractive he/she/they is/are. ❞

❝ Look at how pretty he/she/they is/are, I’m gonna fucking cry. ❞

❝ I just wanna smooch his/her/their face. ❞

❝ JUST LOOK AT HIM/HER/THEM! I’M GONNA SCREAM. ❞

MOM-FRIEND SHIT.

❝ I am mom-friend. ❞

❝ You best not be fucking texting and driving. ❞

❝ Do you want ____? ❞

❝ Please don’t do that, you’re worrying me. ❞

❝ Listen, my job is to make sure everyone else is okay. ❞

❝ ‘Drink water kids!’ I say as I am severely dehydrated. ❞

❝ ____, that’s not good. ❞

❝ Who do I have to fucking fight? ❞ 

ANGSTY SHIT.

❝ I hate myself with every fiber of my being. ❞

❝ I’m just really fucking scared. ❞

❝ I’m sorry that I love you. ❞

❝ I’m sorry that I’m like this. ❞

❝ What’s wrong with me? ❞

❝ God, this happens every fucking time. ❞

❝ I loved her/him/them. And she/he/they fucking abandoned me. ❞

❝ I don’t know what I’m doing. ❞

❝ Why the fuck am I crying? ❞

❝ I’m getting bad again. ❞

❝ It’s like everything goes in one ear, out the other with you. ❞

❝ I’ve told you time and fucking time again that it makes me feel like shit, and yet you still do it. ❞

❝ I look and feel like absolute shit. ❞

❝ It’s nothing, I’m fine. ❞

SLEEPY SHIT.

❝ I’m so fucking exhausted. ❞

❝ I really wanna just sleep. ❞

❝ I need to just sleep for like 17 years. ❞

❝ I could literally fall asleep anywhere. ❞

❝ I’m gonna pass out in the middle of the hallway. ❞

❝ I’m already fucking tired. ❞

❝ If I sit still in one place for like 30 minutes, I will fall asleep. ❞

Who is a night owl:

Who is a morning person:

Are they cuddlers:

Who is the big spoon and who is the little spoon:

What is their favourite sleeping position:

Who steals all the blankets:

What they wear to bed:

Who likes seeing the other wearing their t-shirt:

Who falls asleep mid-conversation:

Who wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares:

Who accidentally punched the other in their sleep:

      PREGNANCY -

❝ We’re going to be parents! ❞ ❝ Did you feel him/her/them kick!? ❞ ❝ Do you want to feel the baby? ❞ ❝ I’m pregnant…and it’s yours. ❞ ❝ Do you think I’ll make a good mother/father? ❞ ❝ What are you hoping for? ❞ ❝ I feel so nauseous today… ❞ ❝ What should we name him/her/them? ❞ ❝ How many diapers do you think we’ll need? ❞ ❝ You’re crying over a puppy? ❞ ❝ Is just strawberry okay? They didn’t have strawberries and cream. ❞ ❝ I’ve read this book four times I’m basically an expert by now. ❞ ❝ Boy or girl? ❞ ❝ Wait, do we have everything on this list I found? ❞ ❝ Can you put the crib together? I’m so tired. ❞ ❝ This kid can come out anytime it’s ready. ❞       ❝ You’re glowing. ❞ ❝ How far along are you? ❞ ❝ Please don’t freak out…but I’m pregnant. I SAID DON’T FREAK OUT. ❞ ❝ Hospital. Now! ❞ ❝ I think that was a contraction… ❞ ❝ The due date’s not until next week! ❞

     NEW BABY -

❝ S/He’s your kid before five in the morning. ❞ ❝ We need to go on a diaper run again. ❞ ❝ We’re out of formula–where’s the other can!? ❞ ❝ Ugh, s/he spit up on my good shirt! ❞ ❝ S/he won’t stop crying, I don’t know what to do. ❞         ❝ Please take him/her, I’m going to go crazy with the screaming. ❞ ❝ Is it even possible for a baby to scream so much!? ❞ ❝ Should they be breathing like that? ❞ ❝ I need to go check on the baby. ❞     ❝ If you never put him/her down you’ll spoil him/her. ❞ ❝ Daddy/Mommy’s little girl/boy! ❞ ❝ Good morning, little spawn of Satan! ❞ ❝ Shhh, they’re finally asleep.  ❞     ❝ Dammit, I just got them to sleep! ❞ ❝ Be careful, s/he’s a hair puller…. ❞ ❝ Where’s the pacifier!? ❞ ❝ I can’t find his/her blanket, please help me. ❞     ❝ I’ve been up since four this morning, it’s your turn. ❞ ❝ I found you and the baby sleeping in the recliner at six am and it was so precious. ❞ ❝ Stroller, diaper bag, playpen, blanket, bottles, what else do we need before we go to your parents? ❞ ❝ A babysitter!? Are you insane!? ❞     ❝ You’re going to spoil them. ❞     ❝ We can’t go out with the baby, that’s just asking for trouble. ❞ ❝ Baby’s awake… ❞ ❝ S/he’s so precious…. ❞ ❝ This is our son/daughter…. ❞ ❝ We make damn beautiful babies. ❞ ❝ Look at his/her little feet… ❞ ❝ S/he has your eyes. ❞ ❝ Do not dress him/her in that! ❞     ❝ Be careful with him/her! ❞ ❝ Did you remember to pack his/her toy? ❞ ❝ His/her first tooth came in today. Already bit me.❞ ❝ Did you hear that? That was a cough.❞           

        CHILDREN -